The answer is: No, I have not.

Are you going to sign up for an anger management class?

You come off as a very controlling and manipulative person.

This is crucial.

Yup!!

By Ernie's DW's account of the situation, he refused to answer her question and told her he wouldn't because of x, y and z reasons.

Now he's making it seem like he wouldn't answer due to preventing an AO. But wouldn't you have just said nothing and left?

This, to me, isn't adding up.

And if it is true that you were really going to have an AO and had to leave immediately without answering the Q, then your W is in danger here. Because what's going to happen when something more serious happens than a remote being lost?

Hi Ernie, what would you feel about us practicing with you here?

When you pointed out that we all need to understand that truth, it bothered me.

I would like it if�.in the future you could just mention that you are at work and will be back in touch with us later.

****
See�.that is the way that you and Elaina could learn to speak with each other. The way that I just typed above, with the underlines as a suggestion for how to express your thoughts and wishes.

You see, when you told us that we all need to understand that truth, that felt like a demand. We understand that you are at work, but so are many of us, and we aren't getting paid to help out on here.

Next time the remote incident plays out, how about saying "Honey, this constant chaos with the remote bothers me. What do you think of us spending some time tonight to see if we can come up with some solutions regarding the remote that will work for both of us?"

Actually you DID want to talk it about at that point because you told her you wouldn't tell her because she didn't deserve to know. You were mean to her, in other words. Do you think that "being upset" entitles you to be rude and hateful to your wife?

How do you expect her to have any feelings for someone who treats her so shamefully?

Do you understand that truth?

Why the oversized font? Do you mean to shout at us? Are you getting agitated by this discussion?

Ernie, we are just some anonymous folks trying to help you see things the way they are, so you can figure out how to help yourself. If this angers you, you are proving the point that anger management is a real need for you. I hope you get help with this before it's too late.

No, I wasn't shouting - it was more of an admission,that in hindsight, I really wish I had thought of saying it at the time but truly regret not finding those words to say at the moment.


I clearly recall having NOT said anything so disrespectful as this. I swear to God almighty "don't/didn't deserve to know" are words that never left my lips. I would not ever say such a spiteful thing.


If I had decided I do not want help from anyone on here... I would not be here. Simple as that. I find it very disrespectful towards me that you would put words in my mouth like that.
If you want to know how I feel about something, then please just simply ask me: "How do you feel about the help you are getting from this Marriage Builders forum? Do you find the advice is beneficial?" etc. etc.

I get knots in my stomach when I think about doing the online program. I told Elaina I don't know why - - but it is just a gut feeling I have. I think it stems from the feeling that in order for someone to be really, truly able to help me, I need to feel as if they really care about me first. The feeling I have concerning whether the contributors to this thread "care about me or not" is a low percentage. It follows logic: Would I be more inclined to follow the advice of someone who wants to see me succeed? Or should I follow thew advice of someone who is harsh towards me and doesn't place any stock in what I say? I think the answer is clear.

One other thing: It is actually sometimes very difficult to keep coming back here.

I know that some of you have stated you are interested in helping. However, I do not appreciate the manner in which certain things are said to me. If you believe that what I say or think looks & smells like what falls out of the south end of northward facing bull, then that's fine - you can tell me that you feel that way - - - but you don't have to be cruel, spiteful towards me, disrespectful or impolite. I believe you are all capable of doing that.

Or impatient. If I don't answer each post individually, it isn't a slam on you - it is often because I have a limited amount of time to answer only a few posts, and I try to prioritize which to answer next. I don't mean any disrespect if I have not directly addressed yours, and I apologize if you think I was trying to ignore you when I was not.

I understand that some of you think you need to be overly stern with me, but I often dwell on the thought that if Dr. Harley were reading this thread from front to back, he would be really disappointed with the approach some of you taken with your responses towards me. Would you say the things you say to me in the same manner if we were sitting at a table having a cup of coffee?

Consider the comment:
How is it beneficial to me, to phrase this comment in such a way? Is it respectful towards me? If you feel it isn't respectful, than wouldn't an apology be appropriate at this time? Do you think a more appropriate response would have been to simply (and politely) inquire as to why I had not yet answered this question? Maybe my reply would have made sense (time constraints, etc) and it wouldn't have needed to be said the way it was (in an accusing manner).

I expect a higher level of professionalism from those who volunteer to help here on the forum. The acid test is this: If Dr. Harley were sitting next to you as you type your response, would he be pleased with what you said before hitting the "submit" button?

Yes, Ernie - Dr. Harley is quite aware of how his forums are run. I received the same help from him to overcome my abusive tendencies as I am giving to you.

Do you want effective help to stop abusing your wife and start making her happy, or do you want to straighten out strangers on the Internet? Because I guarantee you my friend, you cannot achieve both. If you are going to argue with us, you are probably going to lose your marriage.

If you can learn how to stop arguing with us, you might eventually be able to learn how to stop arguing with your wife. And your marriage cannot afford any more arguments.

Ernie, you are the cruelest, most spiteful, rudest, and most disrespectful poster on this thread. I don't think you get that, and I definitely do not believe you are taking your marriage problems seriously enough. You keep complaining that you do not have time to do the work that is necessary to save your marriage, and yet you have time to write paragraph after paragraph arguing with us.


I don't think any of us care if you slam us or not. We point out that you aren't answering questions because when you fail to answer those you are missing the valuable insights you need to save your marriage.

I don't care if you answer the questions or not. It's no personal offense to me - but the people who are lazy like that and don't answer questions are the ones who end up losing their marriages.

It's about high time to take the cotton out of your ears and stick it in your mouth, son. A wife abuser like you or me is the last person who needs to be lecturing other people about being rude. You don't have to accept the help that is offered here, but you are abusing the hell out of your wife and making her life and her marriage miserable, and it sure sounds like we care about her pain a whole lot more than you do. All you do is argue with those who are trying to help you - those who actually know how to help you, because we have used the principles here to recover our marriages and to help others do the same.

Marital recovery is not for those who are too lazy to answer simple questions. It requires work - not debate.

I was a lousy abusive husband when I came to this board, and you are currently a lousy abusive husband. Your best thinking has ruined your marriage, my friend. You need to stop dispensing wisdom and start looking for help here.

Dr. Harley points out that when you have an angry outburst you are insane and do not remember everything you did.

Well, good night, Ernie - why should we place a lot of stock in what you say when you are ABUSING YOUR WIFE and don't seem to care and don't take the problem seriously?

How do we wake you up, my friend? You are destroying Elena, plain and simple. She can't continue to go on like that. And instead of acting like this is a deadly serious subject, you argue with everybody. You are just here to justify yourself, not to learn, so of course we do not put any stock in what you have to say. We have heard the same excuses and justifications before. Some of us have even offered them ourselves.

Quit acting like you got a speeding ticket and start showing some empathy for your wife and desire to change your actions. Why should anyone take you seriously when you ignore hard questions, dance around the issue, and argue with us ALL. THE. TIME. ?

It doesn't matter WHO or WHAT you were angry with. If you cant control your anger at whatever/whoever while being asked simple question you need help.

You attack your wife and you attack posters here. If you were really were concerned we were posting contrary to Dr H's methods you would contact him or the mods.

For you, the best form of defence is attack.



Well I don't care about you one bit. I might if you did something, anything, worth caring about.

I care about the wife who is being abused far more than you.

You don't need people who 'care' about you because you learned long ago how to manipulate such people.

You need objective people who see through you.

Believe it or not, the answer to your question is yes. You are receiving very solid MB advice, and Dr. Harley has dealt many people in exactly your situation. We are mirroring the advice he gives.

Much of your post is, in essence, a complaint that you are a victim of disrespectful judgements. Disrespectful judgements are a lovebuster that needs to be avoided when dealing with those that we want to love us. We do not care to make love bank deposits with you. We do not care if you love us. We will tell you the truth. If that seems disrespectful to you, so be it. You are a man with very serious anger management problems. While you might have success gaslighting those close to you, it doesn't work with us. We have seen it too many times.

Ernie, do you understand that what you are doing is abuse? Your wife should separate from you until you realize and correct your abusive behaviour. You are too angry to live in a home with another person. A person should not be treated in this manner. Good luck, but only you can fix this.

We are not being paid to tell you what you wish to hear. You are being told an unbiased view, based on your own account of what happened.

And we expect a higher level of seriousness from someone who professes to be trying to save his marriage. All we see here is a glimpse of the reasons your marriage is falling apart. Instead of addressing the points made in the posts, you deflect, deny and blame. A distraction strategy designed to take the focus off your abhorrent behavior.

Your marriage is hanging by a thread and here you are wasting valuable time criticizing and scrutinizing your volunteer's posting style. Has it occurred to you that the posters you are condemning have solved their marriage problems? ..................and you have NOT?

I will tell you what they told me when I joined AA in 1985 and was doing the same thing you are doing here: take the cotton out of your ears and put it in your mouth.

If you want to make it, that is what you will do.

Bingo, ML.

Ernie, I was 9 weeks pregnant with a 20 month old. I packed my bags and was ready to buy a plane ticket back home. You were my husband. He smartened up and realized what he was doing. Your wife WILL LEAVE YOU if you do not stop this abuse. Women leave men for two reasons - another man, and abuse. You are in the second category, which fortunately for you, is something you can fix TODAY.

So, while you have time to argue us for paragraphs, why not take some of that time to follow the program? This thread is from October. You don't watch TV and you can argue with us, you have time to do the program. You don't want to change, that's why you said no, isn't it?

Ernie, I was your wife 2 years ago - I'm not afraid of you - so I'm going to tell you how serious this is.