Husbands, please take note of this radio show:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=04236

According to Dr. Harley, to have a really good marriage, you need to be in contact with your wife all day long. Not just the 15 hours of UA time. Listen to how he describes his daily contact with his wife during his career.

If you're having trouble getting your wife across the romantic love threshold, try this.

Personally, I'm reachable to Prisca by phone, text, and IM pretty much all day. We are chatting constantly. If I leave my desk, I let her know. And the result is we are integrated, and happy.

This is a major cause of my marital loss, because I was a workaholic and would often go all day without speaking to her....

Common sense says that if a spouse in unreachable, or shows no interest in talking...there are plenty of toxic people will are willing to fill that void

Genius!

The contact-ability is a good litmus test for whether the marriage or the career is #1.

I think there is societal misconception that career comes first. You are there to WORK, and your personal/family life can be taken care of when you get home.

In my case, my H's job is the one that feels he is there to WORK and that, while he's there, work must come first. They limit and filter his ability to go on the internet and check email while he's at work. They don't allow texts or phone calls while he is working, unless it is a true emergency. So, if I need to reach my H, technically, I can, but it has to be a true emergency, or he will risk getting fired. He has a one-hour lunch and two fifteen minute breaks during which he can contact me for non-emergency purposes, but other than that, it is pretty limited. He sneaks in short emails during the limited time he's allowed to use the internet, but it isn't much.

So, it isn't always the man choosing to not take an interest in his family while at work - sometimes it is the work environment itself that limits the possibility of such interactions throughout the day.

Men compartmentalize. They can always find a way to let their wives into their work compartments if they really want to.

When I am chatting with my wife if people want to interrupt I ask them to wait a second and tell them I'm talking with my wife.

Carrying a phone to text you on might be a great option for him.

For years I have watched people texting and doing business during meetings. So I do the opposite: I text and talk to my wife.

He has a phone. He isn't allowed to use it though while he's at his desk. If he gets caught texting on it, he gets in trouble. They love handing out "incidents" at his workplace for every little infraction. He has snuck a text here and there, but he works in a cubicle that is pretty out in the open, so he has to be very careful.

writer, he should stand up to such bullies or get another job.

Please don't threadjack my thread to encourage people to tolerate such an intolerable situation.

I would never encourage anyone to tolerate a situation like this. I'm here to illustrate how much it truly sucks. I have built up a great deal of resentment towards my H's place of employment because of this situation. It's really difficult to believe that any modern American workplace could still promote so many anti-family policies. I can't recommend married people NOT work for a company like this strongly enough.

I certainly never meant to thread-jack. I think keeping in touch throughout the day is imperative to the success of any marriage and whole-heartedly support doing so.

No worries - that is a great testimony there.

I think more people should stand up to their places of employment about things like this. It makes it easier for even more people to do so.

Often, when I am on the phone with kiss while he is at work, he will interrupt ME and start talking to other people. It drives me nuts! I don't call him often because I feel like I am bothering him.

So true, Mr. Eureka. That is what I finally said to my husband. And guess what?

He found a way to stop compartmentalizing and to incorporate me into his day.

He would set his timer for every hour and either text me or call me. After several months, this became a habit and now he does it naturally because we are more integrated.

To add-

I didn't complain that it was perfunctory or unnatural for him. I just tried to appreciate it and reward him when he did this. He balked at first, but over time, he realized that he COULD do this and that it COULD be a good thing.

I would not say an employer is a bully because they require the employee to remained focused. There are high risk jobs that do require focused attention to facilitate a safe work environment. My husband works in this type of environment and I work and manage employees in this type of environment.

I appreciate our wider culture has become accustomed to being digitally connected constantly and many work environments find employees more engaged from 'staying connected' and even recreating while on the job, especially in more creative environments. Still some employers can't allow for distractions while on duty and have been forced to set policies against texting, use of cellphones ie while operating equipment and so on.

I agree with the notion its important to remain connected through out the day. It seems being able to connect with your spouse about anything and at anytime through out the day would rack up more love units then delaying gratification and waiting until a given break period subject to the employers discretion.

Like Mr Eureka mentioned its more a matter of figuring out how to stay connected and not compartmentalizing the relationship. This is the task at hand and perhaps sometimes this means getting creative while working within the parameters of the job (ie committing to connecting during breaks rather then doing something else) and sometimes it might help to get a different kind of job if indeed maintaining a steady stream of love units this way is a couples best practice.

I just don't think the employer should be degraded or labeled unsupportive of marriage or families for setting policies that actually respect life and ultimately support marriage and families.

In the years I've interacted, listened to and read Dr.Harleys writings he talks about working conditions that create increased risks of relational disconnections that lead to affairs. Everyday we read about AP's affair starting when separated overnight. And we know compartmentalizing and not keeping one another informed about our day is another highway to a secret second life.

Dr Harley was fleshing out the radio show callers failings in meeting his wife's needs to come up with possible action steps he could take to meet his wife's EN. Some guys seem to go to work and focus attention on the job all day and shut off the rest of their lives then show up at home at the end of the day. From my experience, the worst part of this type of focused attention on at work and disconnect from spouse throughout the day makes one spouse such as myself too much of an expert about our domestic world. The so called division of labor is screwed up. And I don't just mean chores around the house. Its everything except the tasks hyper focused spouse is relied upon to perform at work and how he had decided to be independently happy. In our personal recovery we have worked hard to change this awful dynamic. I've fought it by helping to keep my husband informed through out the day and more importantly my husband is slowly finding his way even under the challenges of a need for focused attention. Problem arises when he is consumed (compulsive) by the habit of focused attention and gets positive feedback on the outside for this ability while leaving me behind.

Its this type of needless habituation I personally find threatens our marriage. I am OK hearing from my spouse in between procedures. If its not an emergency for me I can delay my gratification. I've spoken to Steve H about this subject and as he commented I just need to know I can call him up anytime and I'll be the priority. But in my case I use discretion because I respect what he is doing and I respect he wants to give his patients the best outcome. Used wisely this focused attention at work is a strength. Used without thoughtful regard towards my feelings and needs its a threat.

My phone broke, so we dug out an old cell my H had when we first met. It was hilarious to read how much silly texts we sent back and forth those first few weeks!

Not much has changed really, we do talk at least 1-3x a day while he is at work, it means a lot to me. We're not in recovery (no affair) but I'd say it certainly hasn't hurt either!

I understand certain occupations require a great deal of focus and attention. If my H were a surgeon, I wouldn't expect him to drop the scalpel in the middle of a surgery and run out into the hallway to call me.

But my H works in an office. He's a customer service rep. He answers phones and inputs orders into a computer all day. It isn't the sort of job that requires all of someone's attention. And yet, his company still doesn't allow for any personal interactions with family while at work, unless he's on break. To me, that does not qualify as very family or marriage friendly.

And it isn't the only policy they have that bothers me. He's given a week of sick leave every year, but each time he calls in sick, it counts as an "incident." Being late, even by one minute, even if there was a bad accident on the freeway or something, counts as an "incident." Too many "incidents" in any given 6-month period of time and he could get fired. The whole thing just feels so much like elementary school to me. It's a very punitive environment and it drives me nuts.

I believe that we can all agree that Dr. Harley promotes the concept that the career/job should compliment the M in all situations.

Not the other way around.

POJA in terms of access to each other during the day would apply in reference to the job itself..such as restrictions/liberties etc..

W-1,
Argh! Sounds like a really weird employer. I doubt this employer could justify the micro managing and their fear mongering to an employment law judge. Too me the example of sick days or personal days respectfully allow employees to be human. At least for us, we are all about creating a 'healing' environment for our patients and this is what we ask of our staff to carry out. How can we offer this to patients if we do not give them room to heal as well? There are better methods to figure out when an individual employee is taking advantage of the employer and that would also be seen as reasonable in most rational minds. In your husbands case I wonder what kind of customer service they are expecting for him to deliver? And how does this impact on your relationship w/him?