I cannot stop thinking about the ow and I really want to see her. I also would like to talk to her but I think I am afraid of what I would find out. Even though he says he has told me everything, ( and believe me I asked lots of details) I still cannot get past that not only is he a cheater but he has also become something he has always hated. A LIAR.<BR> I still am finding out new things all the time, cause I keep buggin. Anyway so is it better to never see or talk to OW or should I ????????

DON'T DO IT!!!!<P>You won't get "the truth" from the OW either. Everyone has their own agenda and all you'll get is hers. Besides, she can't know what your H thought or meant by his actions -- only he knows that. All she knows is what she thought.<P>If you go to her, you'll probably get a mass of totally different details and a story that bears no resemblance to that which your H told you. Then you'll be in the unenviable position of having to choose which details are "true" -- and if you're anything like me, you'll believe the worst. <P>Again, please don't seek out the OW. I did it and her lies caused me an additional 6 months of pain and confusion. I've only recently found out that my H was telling me the truth all along (with a few minor details left out). Imagine my chagrin to find out that I suffered needlessly because I believed OW's "blown out of proportion" story all these months -- not to mention the outright lies she told me to break up our marriage and hopefully get ahold of my H again.<P>Put the OW out of your head and concentrate on you and your H. Mulling over the OW and talking to her only prolongs the agony, and is totally misdirected energy you could be applying to your own situation.<p>[This message has been edited by Cristalle1 (edited November 07, 1999).]

I looked at your profile and see that your H is not currently trying to rebuild your marriage. I am basing this on the fact that he filed for divorce. Under these circumstances I think Christall1 may be right.<P>My H stayed with me throughout the whole process and it was suggested by a friend that had dealt with a lot of couples in our situation that my H go with me to meet the other woman. The idea was for him to be there with me and for me to hear him tell her it was over. It was supposed to be a form of closure.<P>We also lived in a small town, I knew where she lived, what kind of car she drove, etc. I just knew that every blonde in Walmart was her or atleast eventually I was bond to run into her.<P>I will repeat something I have said on other threads. Keep your self-respect. Always be the better woman. Yelling and screaming at the OW will only fuel her fire and put her in control of your life. Keep your dignity and you will always be the better woman.<P>I did contact the other woman on my own on several occassions in the beginning, but I never played her games. I had a game of my own and I controlled the situation. I wanted her to know that I was a strong Godly woman. I never lost my temper. I even apologized to her for getting her involved in our lives.<P>I also never believed anything she said unless I had confirmation from other sources. I also never told my H the things she said because she may have been telling me things that she knew would cause strife between me and my H.

JJM<P>I really don't have time to post much right now. <P><BR>I too have wanted for a very long time to see OW. I plan on doing it someday. I am just affraid too still. Dumb I know. It has been over 8 months for me.<P>There are other posts here on this very same subject. I started one and I will look for the other for you. <P>Think hard because you will have to live with what you decide to do.<BR><P>------------------<BR>God bless you and all of us.<P>Samantha<BR>

oh I guess I need to go change profile, we were getting back together when I found out abnout ow. and we did move right back together, He is trying very hard. It is like a different man. He says he never cared a thing for her and does not know what made him make the biggest mistake of his life. So yes he is trying I would say it is me who is not giving anything. I just don't seem to have energy for anything but this pile of pain I seem to be stuck in.

JJM,<P>I never met the OW or talk to her and now I am really glad. Tomorrow it will be a year since my H flew out to meet her..they were together for 6 weeks and then carried on long distance for another 2.5 months. I discovered her web page and looked at it a lot in the first few months. But now that it has been over for 8 months and we are rebuilding...I am really glad I never gave her the time of day. I guess I feel like I never gave her the chance to make her claim on him legitimate. She is a sad, messed up little girl who keeps making bad choices in her life. She wants to be married...though my H would leave me and marry her...well...I just keep thinking what goes around comes around and while I once said I wouldn't wish this pain on anybody...well..since my H was her second MM...I'd say she is asking for it.<P>Don't go to her level...you are rebuilding with your H...look forward..not back!<P>Hang in there..it WILL get better.<P>Jodi

JJm, I'm pulling up a recent post on the same subject<P>I am Liz Smith/POGP<P>His Pearl<P>(I did call her later and give her something to think about, but I was A LADY. I waited for the appropriate time and told her that she was as safe from me as my family was from her. I also said--I don't hate you.<P>If you haven't reached the place where you will be proud of what you say and do...WAIT.<P>Hugs, <BR>His Pearl of Great Price<P>------------------<BR><BR>"I have found the Pearl of Great Price"<BR>

Please DO NOT do it.I did it on several occassions and it was a huge mistake.This woman tried to convince me for over a year that her and my husband were still seeing each other.We had long conversations over the computer,on the phone,and face to face.I guess I was scared of what she was saying and I had to prove he was doing something.<BR> <BR>To this day I really do not know for sure if she was ever telling me the truth or just doing it to try and split us up so he would go running to her.(so she thought).But the thing is all the doubts she put in the back of my mind caused my husband and me a lot of difficulty and major setbacks.There was a real sense of tension between us all the time.And like me you probably won't know if what she says is true or all lies.<P>The other problem I had is that this woman was down right homely looking and had the personality of a doorknob.It's not always the gorgeous blonde that we picture our husbands having affairs with.This brought my self esteem to an all time low.I thought my god............he would rather be with THAT than me?After 2 years I still have a very poor opinion of myself.<P>So take it from me.Stay away from the OW and concentrate on yourself and your marriage.Know that you are a better person than this bimbo and hold on to your self respect and dignity.Something I wish I had done.I was dumb enough to let this woman lead me around like a puppet.The more she saw she was getting to me,the more she did.<P>I know this is a hard hurdle to pass.But believe me,once you are over the hurdle you will be much better off not having met or talked to the OW.<P>Take care and good luck!!<BR>Tammy

JJM, I'm glad you're back together.<P>Meeting the OP isn't a big mistake if you go into it knowing what you're doing.<P>I knew my H OP was a husband collector. I knew she would lie to me hoping I would relay the info back to my H. I knew she didn't want my H for keeps, that was never an issue.<P>I also know that the game is completely over for her. We are the first marriage she has assaulted that hasn't broken up.<P>She has approached my H in the past 6 months with her sweet little "how are things going, is there anything I can do to help" act. That is her way of saying, look, your wife is bombarding you with lovebusters, I'm here when you're ready.<P>I am luck though. I have been able to anticipate her actions and proven to my H through my accuracy of her actions what her real agenda is.<P>I will note that not all OP are like this. My H had an affair with a Husband Collector. Sometimes the OP is just another very hurt person needing to find someone to meet their needs.<P>Meeting the other person worked out good for me because I summoned all the strength I could and made myself appear to her to be together, strong, and of a wonderful character. <P>She told me and I quote "You are one H**l of a woman, what was your husband thinking cheating on you"<P>She also said something I still find interest. She told me that I didn't have to worry about her anymore because she now knew I didn't deserve it. For some reason that is one of the few things I believed, maybe it was wishful thinking.<P>She is still trying to stay in my H's mind, that is obvious, and my H has never actually told her to go away. He knows now that he really needs to do this. A husband collector doesn't want to be embarrassed or rejected.<P>I really think he would tell her this now, a few months ago I don't think he could.<P>My H has been very surprised by the way I have acted toward the OW and I think it may have earned me some love points. It took a tremendous amount of strength and determination though and went completely agains my "run her over with our truck" attitude that I really had.

JJM, I pulled up another post on this topic...see the difference a few days makes in ones thinking when they are in all this emotional mess?<P>Be slow and cautious.<P>Blessings,<P>Pearl/Liz<P>------------------<BR><BR>"I have found the Pearl of Great Price"<BR>

The night my H confessed, the OW phoned our home. At that point she wanted the three of us to get together to discuss things. "Not in this lifetime" I told her.<P>2 weeks later I ring her, to find out if she is pregnant. She isn't, but ends up keeping me on the phone for hours. It was good in the sense that I wasn't taking things she said to heart...all with a grain of salt. After all she did have her own agenda, but so did I! <P>I was able to tell her that my H had lied to her, and to pick certain events to prove this. She, on the other hand, was able to tell me things, private things, things only a man and wife would know about my own marriage. This really showed me the light, showed me the extent of my H's disloyalty and betrayal. It also pointed to, or highlighted the area/s that, in his mind, were suffering in our marriage, and I belive, the areas that I would need to work on to make reconcilliation possible.<P>Having said all this, she still didn't belive me and my version of the facts, and she arrived at the family home later that night for a confrontation. But H had moved out to his mothers. So together we go to MIL house. H is out for the night (catting around?) but MIL confirms my version of events, and politely tells OW to find another life/love, and to stop wrecking this marriage.<P>The telephone call was good, and it was done on my terms. The home visit was bad, and it was done on her terms. In addition, the home visit resulted in my comparing us, and allowed me to vividly picture the two of them together....and once that happens, it's hard to get rid of.<P>I guess my advice would be: if you're going to do it, make sure of your motives. Don't do it for revenge, or to find the real truth, or for an accurate explanation. But do do it if you're after a better understanding, and if you are sure it won't be a Love Buster. And if you still want to do it, make sure you're calm and collected, not angry or sad. You don't want to show any weakness.<P>Also be prepared to hear things you never thought you'd hear.<P>Wishing all the best, Rainbow.

I agree with everyone else. Don't see her unless it's on your terms and you have an agenda. I have to see OM everyday at work. Trust me the pain just comes back everytime I see him.

Just pulling up a few links for you that might help <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/003495.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/003495.html</A> <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/006891.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum1/HTML/006891.html</A> <P>

Just my opinion....<P>I needed to talk to the other woman. It was important to me to say a few things and to hear a few things from her. But that was in my situation. My H's affair was mostly emotional - he only kissed her - never anything further. Therefore, I needed to hear that from her as well. She didn't lie to me - she told the straight out truth - and as much as I hate what she did - I appreciated her honesty. My H and I are almost 1 year into our rebuilding stage (Nov 27 will be 1 year). We are doing great - looking to have baby #2 hopefully soon. It can work out! I completely feel my H loves me and we will be happy forever. I will never forget what happened and I still have occasional flashbacks - but I deal with them when they happen.<P>Good luck to you!<P>------------------<BR>To err is human<BR>To forgive is divine