Yes, I have a problem!!! But I WANT to succeed!! I really do!

I understand this, when I was trying to make changes but we were just crashing into one crisis after another, it was hard to get momentum to keep going. What helped me was to make a list - RC, FC, UA, whatever was my goal, and post about that. What is a step you can identify this week, so you can check it off, add something else next week, and see positive change building over time?

Some suggestions would be the paystub thing or anger management, or maybe there is something else you two are working on this week that you would like to share?

What is discouraging to us is that you are not focusing on changing the bad behavior. The benefits of the "good" are all wasted when you commit Lovebusters like you did in this instance.

You cannot afford ANY Lovebusters so of course that is what we should be focusing on because if you don't knock it off, you are not going to be married for long.

Ahhh, yes - - several weeks ago you had asked if I had been through from beginning to end. I need to do that and post a really long post concerning all points brought to my attention.

Prisca, I am not enrolled in an anger management course.

So will you sign up for anger management?

I REALLY TRULY do want to stop all lovebusters from ever occurring again.

I just struggle so much at times to be 100% fault-free that is burdens me mentally to where I feel like I am always on eggshells hoping to never "slip up". It's a lot of pressure to deal with.

What's wrong with hoping never to slip up?

"Yes, I understand that I have been... to a HUGE (not shouting) degree in the past, and I feel like I work (and have been working) really really really really really really really really really really hard to not be abusive anymore.

I feel the remote was an event that was just the last straw on the camel's back" of a greater number of other stressful events that have been occurring recently. I am terribly sorry and I have apologized to Elaina, and she says she forgives me."

Your behavior over the remote was inexusable so don't try to excuse it. There is no excuse. And she might have "forgiven" you (which is a terrible idea) but her forgiveness does not replace the massive damage you did to her lovebank.

Being upset does not entitle you to behave like a jerk. A person who is really sorry does not cite the alleged wrongdoings of others because they understand they are solely responsible for their own business behavior.

You say you get it, but when you continue to point to the behavior of others in conjunction with your own Lovebusters that tells me otherwise.

Good, you've admitted it.

Stop minimizing and you need to remove "in the past".

How? Have you signed up to anger management? Are you going to take Markos' suggestion and start responding to other questions on this thread?

I heard this a LOT from my husband. He just wanted to "move forward", which meant, "come on Strongerme. I've told you I'm sorry and I'm going to "do better". Let's "move forward" (but I don't need to go to anger management or work the marriage builders program.)

Visualization is good. I can visualize that I am at my goal weight and goal fitness level too, but I actually have to DO something to achieve it!

All about you...guess what? Your wife can't deal with your abuse. Maybe she's about to give up. Step up!

You're blinded by the forest instead of looking at the trees. We're not threatening or advocating your wife leave you. We're telling you if you don't make changes, she will.

Those of us posting to you have been in the same boat. We're no longer in that boat.

I would start with 2 things. Look up anger management courses to start learning how to deal with frustrations. And read a chapter a night in the Love Busters book.

It is even more pressure to lose your wife.

Once you get into the habit of behaving respectfully, no matter what, it will come naturally. Walking on eggshells while you are retraining yourself is not a bad thing.

I owe a huge apology to everyone for my behavior when posting this morning; I acted in a very undignified manner.

I was involved with a situation at work where an employee responsible for an area (even though another employee committed the actual infraction) was facing his "third strike" and it was my call to push him forward towards the termination process. It would have had a negative ripple effect (not just at work, but most assuredly his home life) and it was an amazingly stressful and difficult situation which took incredible effort to resolve without violating corporate ethics policies. I am glad it has been resolved, and I am sorry to all for my emotionally charged, irrational, and unprofessional posts.

Wow, I really need to advice on how to wind down from stress. A ride on the Harley does wonders but I can't leave work just yet....

So will you be signing up for anger management?

Ernie,

I wish i were ad fortunate as you where the faults that are under your control were discussed with me by my Wife.

You are being given a multi-step instruction manual, BUT you need to follow it to make your marriage happy, which means both you and your Wife.

How about one simple task to get started?

Did you give your wife the paycheck stubs yet, or any bank account information?

If yes, then say so and when it was accomplished.

If No, then what prevented you from doing something so simple?

Will that be done today?

That is already a several week old issue that seemed to be agreed to.

Actions speak louder than all of your words, rants or excuses.

It is mind boggling to watch and see that you don't get it.

LTL

Markos posted an article to you yesterday that covers this topic.

It is a shame that he quit posting to you. Having been where you are, he is probably the best person on this board that can help you.

Yesterday, markos posted an article to you about staying calm in stressful situations:

However, as with every single piece of advice given on your thread in recent days, you have not addressed the advice (or the article) but have quarrelled with the poster about their "rudeness" towards you or about how you are not as bad as all that. It seem very much to me as if you come here to defend your behaviour in your marriage, because you know Elaina posts here about how unhappy she is with that behaviour. When you are given advice, you debate the advice and the tone of each post but never focus on the substance of the advice.

The constant calls from markos and Prisca about anger management are the clearest examples of this that I've seen. You yourself have just admitted that you dealt with the stress caused at work very badly, and your stress bled into your responses to people here, but despite being offered valuable stress-management advice from Dr H and the "poster boy" (pun intentional) who used it to turn his marriage around, you continue to argue and deflect blame.

Now markos has had enough of getting nowhere with you and has decided to stop posting. That is a crying shame. As someone else here said, he was you not long ago, and he endured a separation from his wife and children because of his angry outbursts. He was forced to see that he could either defend his position (in his own mind) that he was not that bad a husband and his anger was usually justified, or he could kill his angry outbursts dead, and stop doing the thing that had already lost him his wife and family.

So far, you have absolutely refused to see where this is heading, because you think you are not that bad a husband and for some reason, Elaina comes to this board to seek help for her marital problems where no serious problems exist.

You've lost markos, Ernie, because you refuse to listen and act upon advice. You are going to lose Elaina, too, for the same reason.

I just looked back on Page 1 of this thread, dated 10/14/2013, more than four months ago.

You were told nothing was going to improve so long as you continued committing lovebusters.

Rather than having a discussion about how to stop your marriage-wrecking behavior, you got angry with posters (large bolded font and all) and lectured them about their "disrespect".

You "vented" about your problems and why things were so tough for you.

Prisca asked you if you would attend anger management, which went unanswered (as far as I had read anyway, which was up to Page 4).

It's four months later and what has changed?

Nothing.

The situation at work has nothing to do with your angry outburst here on the forum, which you would know if you had studied Dr Harley's works on this topic.