This is exactly the problem I tried to describe in my last post.

Your "logic" leads you to debate and argue with the advice, and to dismiss Elaina's descriptions of your behaviours. You focus on arguing rather than asking what should be done to solve the problem. When posters address the points you raise, you argue even more, and the whole day is spent arguing about posts to the point that the focus on improving your marriage is completely lost.

As an example: Elaina gave a clear description of the lack of financial transparency she experiences while living with you.

Your response was (essentially) to counter claim that she spends money in ways that you did not like, so she has financial faults too, and while she keeps those up you are not going to budge.

You argued about the advice rather than listen to how your financial secrecy was being described and felt by Elaina. And where are you now on this? Have you approached Elaina on this? Have you been transparent? Are you working on this issue at all with her?

It would have been relatively simple (not easy, but a clear strategy) to have focused on this issue with Elaina and negotiated an agreement on your income and her spending, but instead, it seems to me, you defended your financial behaviour( which I have to say absolutely sickens me and is the antithesis of how to behave in marriage) and continued it.

Then we had to argue with you for an entire day about the remote control behaviour - a whole day before you could address the fact that you hurt your marriage with that behaviour.

A whole day here and a whole day there, posting here only to argue with us and contradict Elaina.

You are not being attacked, Ernie, but your behaviour is being attacked. There is nothing good to say about bad behaviour.

Yes, you are being pushed to submit to the board - or rather to the marriage-building advice of Dr Harley. What you are doing now is not creating a successful marriage; it has created a wife who is miserable living with you. You need to give up your defence of yourself as not that bad a husband, who has a few "moments" but who is getting better, and yes, you need to start walking on eggshells. You need to watch what you say and what you do in every second of interaction with your wife, if you want your marriage to succeed. That is what is will take to turn around a marriage that has made a wife as unhappy as you have made Elaina.

Translation:

"What, you mean that I need to do this 'not lovebusting' stuff, and this 'care and consideration' malarky, all the time?

You mean it is not enough to be nice on Tuesday morning and hope that will last me the rest of the week?

You mean - all the time? Seriously?

I'm not sure I want to start showing love towards my wife, because it leads to a slippery slope where I'll be expected to be loving towards her all the time, and that's just unreasonable!

http://xkcd.com/1332/

That's OK and we don't care, but this illustrates the nature of your problem. The things you excuse yourself with were very upsetting and frustrating to be sure, but your expression of that as anger here was your choice. Your anger is your choice. You need to own your anger and not try to excuse it. That is why you need anger management. One of these days, you are going to find yourself standing at the side of a hospital bed trying to apologize for why you maimed your wife. That's where this bus takes you if you don't get off.

I am open to suggestions on an anger management program.
Please provide several options if possible.

Thank you, Markos.

I am reading it right now.

Find a group in your area that meets on a regular basis. It's focus needs to be on relaxation techniques. Do not join an online class. You need accountability.

I'll ask my husband tonight how he found the program that he attended. I don't know because we were separated at the time.

You don't need us to find a group for you, Ernie. Take the initiative.

VERY good point Prisca and true! I retract my previous post.

It's a cycle that works well on his wife and he doesn't understand why it does not work here. Be nice, then nasty, then apologise (while blameshifting / attacking the need to do so) and start the cycle again.

Because we do not 'care' about Ernie, we can see the cycle as it goes round. We don't care that he is playing nice at the moment and the lack of action shows it is just a step in his usual cycle.

Any action to report?

Signed up for anger management?

Signed up for the online course?

Made your finances transparent?





This is just laughable, Ernie. Since we don't care about you, you can't manipulate any sympathy from us like this.

Most people face stress at work without abusing their wife or others.

What kind of apology lays the blame at someone else's door anyway?

Not convinced. Truly frightened for your wife.

This is a shell game, and there is no goodwill in a shell game.
The way to start showing the good will that is indispensable for a marriage to work is to leave that game behind, the one where no matter what shell is chosen, your feelings and your complaints are the only ones that are of importance.

No, I was looking for suggestions and reviews.

I used a credit counseling service 11 years ago that I found out later to be a poor choice. I had difficulty discerning which companies were effective and which ones were not in the searching process.

I was more hoping along the lines of a "review", if you will. many places offer much, but don't "deliver the goods", per se. I am looking for suggestions on how to maximize the return on my investment.

I did not realize there was a disparity between online and locally based programs.

Deja Vu

your marriage is going to fail and is failing if you don't take the initiative to and do the leg work yourself. Expecting others to provide suggestions and reviews when you can do that yourself is just pure laziness.

My exwh expected everyone else to do the work for him. I am now divorced.

The post you made seems just like another stalling tactic and diverts from the only goal, which are: What ACTIONS Have You Started?

Please reply to the following, which has been dismissed or ignored so far.

Any action to report?

Signed up for anger management?

Signed up for the online course?

Have you made your finances transparent?

Did you share your paycheck stubs with your Wife?

That last one is so incredulously simple to have accomplished, that, if you have not even done that minor task, it feels like you are not truly serious about your Wife's feelings and request to know information that would make her begin to trust your efforts.

LTL

What's so sad Ernie, including that you're going to lose your DW and marriage, is that you had one of our best posters posting to you and you lost his help. All to your own doing.

markos has turned himself and his marriage around completely and now has a fantastic marriage with Prisca. You want reviews?? Shoot all you had to do is listen and answer his questions because he was giving you a proving path that he, himself, followed after many times of doing it wrong.

So sad.

Agree x 10000000

I looked up on the web the places in our Texas city that have programs available. There are only a couple. I haven't called any of them yet.


Yes, We discuss together verbally (and with texts) and we talk about which bills get paid with what money, how much, and from which accounts.


We aren't getting paper stubs anymore... it's some new payroll system called EMPower and I haven't figured out all the bells and whistles of it yet. It is only accessible from work computers. I want to finding time to learn it, but when I am at work it's like drinking from the firehose since there was a 50% reduction in my dept (meaning I am working twice as many jobs) and I get distracted and forget. As long as the direct deposit still works we can pay the bills, but I definitely need to get this task accomplished.

When you access it from work, do a print screen and email that image to your wife. Problem solved.

Ernie, I don't post every often but have been following your story because I was married for 30 years to someone just like you.

The emotion that is giving you so much trouble is fear. You obviously love your wife or you would not be here but you are terrified that she will exploit you if you put trust in her even though part of you wants this more than anything in the world. The idea that someone else would put your needs ahead of theirs is almost impossible for you to imagine. Yet this is what you have to do. Step off into the abyss. Harder for you than for most of us because you hate to be vulnerable. I bet that even reading those words has brought tears to your eyes.

Everybody has trouble with feelings because expressing valid feelings in a mature way is something we are not usually taught to do. The result is that many people have a hard time talking about their feelings, either expressing them childishly (AOs) or as a teenager (sulking). The grown up version is to calmly state what is troubling you. That is particularly hard for you because you have to trust your life partner to help resolve it in a way that works for both of you.

The miracle of Dr Harley's technique (POJA) is that it really does work. If you can let yourself be honest and trusting, you will find that negotiation will bring you solutions that will make you happier than you can imagine in your wildest dreams.

Can I give you an example of how this works in practice?

You have a television in your house. I can see how awful that must be. What a nightmare; a television (I have never owned one). Then in addition, the choice of programmes is a source of conflict between your step children so a double whammy.

What you have to do is swallow your fear and sit down with your wife to negotiate this. Best after a nice meal so everyone is in a great mood. Tell her about your feelings. Don't be afraid, be very direct. Complaints are good in a marriage. Tell her that the television is making you feel xyz and that the child conflicts are troubling you. Keep the complaints to your feelings, don't stray into judgemental territory. Then let her present her view on this. After that, the two of you brainstorm solutions that make both of you happy. One of my friends who owns a television solved that problem by requiring the children to research what they wanted to watch and agreeing it before being permitted to turn on the machine. That definitely could be one of the ideas.

Then, once you have a solution, make it stick (very important). If the negotiated result starts to break down, quickly address the issue. Important not to ever go down the road of temporary solutions. Keep each other honest. Best of luck to you.