OK, honey.

In an emergency situation we deal with the basics like eating and sleeping, first right? We look after ourselves, because without health we cannot make progress.

The reason I asked you to expose is so you could get support. Ask one of your parents or your sisters to make sure you eat. Instruct them to bring you a banana or something at regular times and that you at least take one bite out of it, when they do.

Find something that doesn't make you nauseous. For me it was bananas, for others pretzels, nuts or milkshakes.

Sleeping - it's normal for this to be hard. It won't be the same for a while. However try to rest even you can't sleep. Breathe deeply and maybe focus on relaxing music.

If you really struggle to do any of these things and are not functioning well consult a doctor about anti depressants.

We've all been where you are and we are happy and well today...

Hi Maggie, I am so very sorry for what you are going through. You WILL make it though. We all have experienced exactly what you are writing about, and the pain lessens gradually. Definitely not fast enough for us, but it does lessen!

Yes, MB works. In fact, Dr. Harley says over and over that when both spouses will follow the program and make the necessary changes together, that it is guaranteed to work!

I was like you and could not even stand to look at my husband's face. I wanted him out. Anywhere else but near me. I knew though, that I could NEVER go back to our old marriage, and so the only chance that I saw of perhaps saving the M was to continue living together and working through this.

I want to share something with you Maggie. After about two weeks of my commitment to live with him, the most bizarre thing happened�I actually felt BETTER when he was around!

YES, everything that we knew of our purpose in life has been smashed. I had previously centered every decision around my husband (yuck to say that now). It kind of felt like I'd lost my purpose in life. I bet that it is similar to what hospice caregivers feel after the death of their loved one. BUT as for a plan�NOW we learn to take care of ourselves Maggie! We learn to put ourselves first and eat and exercise and do general self care (that we somehow sacrificed and gave up before).

Dr. Harley teaches that sacrifice is horrible for a marriage. I had sacrificed for the entire time that my H was in an affair, and I truly did not know it Maggie. I had just kept picking up the slack as he had gone further and further away from our family. It is SO INVIGORATING to be able to be done with the sacrifice now!

My husband and I learned to work together to get rid of triggers. We can help you with that Maggie. If you can let your husband in at all, there is a chance that he can put you first now and help you to heal. That doesn't mean that you have to decide to stay in the marriage. It just means that you are willing to give it a try.

We have been forever changed by this whether we stay or whether we go. In either case, it is going to take us time to heal.

[quote] If my plan is to heal in the best way possible.... Then I have no clue how to make it. I am here crying, wonderring around, hiding, but I am completely blocked for an action that would actually lead to something constructive. I am shipwreaked, lost seanse of direction and strenght for making any move.

This is not a plan, it is not even close to it.... I guess i need some time, or better some guidance.

What is the first step to take? Where to start from. How to start?[\quote]

You are too close to D day to have the strength or clarity to work on a plan. For now focus on stabilizing your mind and body from the shock and trauma. Hard as it is good sleep,is necessary for you to function.
A forum like this is a great place to voice your feelings and soak in the support.
I was never a journal writer but in the days after I purchased a cute pink leather journal ( it looked pretty made me smile ever so briefly) and wrote my heart out. It's completely illlegible in pages cause the tears were dripping on the pages and the words were coming out faster then I could write. In the later days it was interesting reding to see the progress that me as a weak shattered girl had as I progressed along.
I wrote a letter to ow in it, I wrote how I felt shattered and could not believe it could happen to me.
I married an amazing man ( thankfully still happily married to him of free will ) and like you I never thought a guy like him could do that.
But guess what he did .....
After a while and very unconsciously I wrote less and less and found other things that helped me move along my path to recovery.
You dont need to know and process what the entire road map to recovery is Today.
Today what you need is to believe that there is a road to recovery and when you are strong enough again ( soon ) you will be able to walk it and come out the other side.

Thank you, thank you thank you!!!
Your words help a lot.
Last two days there's been in me a tsunami of anger, I cannot control it, cannot stop. I wish to spit it up, but have no idea why.
As long as this anger eats me I have no chance to feel better, I know. But the world has been so unfair to me, I cannot understand why, i did not deserve it and yet I have plenty of it....

I signed up for a Silva Method, it's mind and body training for healing myself.... We'll see....I sm doing it for myself and exclusively for myself, cause this miserable Maggie i see everyday at the mirrow scares me a lot. I have always been optimistic, smily, positive person.... I liked myself for it.... Now I'm wreck... What a dissaster....

My H just yesterday had a first appointment with dr Harley, came out of it very enthusiastic.... Oh well, it's easier for him to be this way. Someone told him - you are a selfish idiot, you hurt the person you love in the most aweful way, but there is a chance you can make it up.... Who wouldn't be enthusiastic? Someone gave him hope....

I see it from a different side though, I am not motivated cause in my H the only thing I can see now is a face of cruel monster, that hurt me, took from me everything I was and everything I believed in and left me in the darkest and coldest cave without the map how to escape.

I have to move.... Just have no power....

Look at it this way, his enthusiasm exists towards the goal of making it up to you.
So let him try . Whether his efforts will overcome your grief and help pick up your shattered pieces only time and actions will tell.

You will see flickers of light out of the darkness once the dust from the explosion settles.
Signing up for the Silvia method sounds fantastic. Kudos for you for taking a step towards healing you.

You mentioned your h spoke to the Harley's, are you at a point where you would consider having a phone call with them 1-1 ?

Dr Harley can do a better job then us keyboard shrinks. You should call him.

Everything is going to seem like a deep dark cave while you don't eat or sleep. The luckiest person on earth would feel pretty bad without these basic things.

You make the present happy and healthy and keep walking. That's how you get out of the cave. Happy to hear you are focusing on your happiness.

since the dday my life has shrinked into, try to eat something, try to sleep a little bit, try not to think and please try not to cry.... Every morning i wake up with the stone in my chest and the "WHY" question that is printed everywhere. so every day, step by step, hour sfter hour i am trying to rebuild my balance with "tryings", just to survive till the evening.....
This morning my balance has been shased again....cause my H decided, without telling me about it, asking what would i think of it and hwo would i feel, that he would come to try to see me!!!!!!!!!!!! But I am nit ready tonsee him.... I am terrified of the pain that it will cause me. At first I said no.... But he bough the cheapest ticket so he could not change the dates..... So my parents convinced me to go to see him.
We will be meeting alone, no kids, in a different city.

This whole plan if his shaked as well my own plans of how to tell about the affair to my sisters, that still don't know. Now i have to do it, cause one would have to take care of my kids and the other will be the one where i will live while being there.

I really do not know what to think of it.... Deep inside me I am totally not ready for this meeting, i am in pain, didn't get the chance to help myself yet, so i could face him while being stronger.... And then.... What can we talk about???? What different can he tell me???

I am so scared....

Lots of hugs! He would've needed to come see the kids even if you hadn't agreed to meet with him.

I would advise you to go and have a nice time, and not yet talk about the important stuff. Do this several times. After you have some pleasant interactions under your belt, then make a time to sit down and talk about the A.

Or better yet, schedule your first serious meeting as a joint session with the Charleys. That way you'll have an experienced referee.

The more people who know, the more support. That is logic. Don't give in to fear and what if's. Dont second guess their reactions. Just tell them and say you need them.

Yes your life has shrunk to basics, to baby steps. But that's ok. We did it too. It is just like getting better from an illness.

A chat with someone neutral like the Harley's is probably a good idea. Steve Harley has done this may many times successfully and he can show you out of that cave.

Even if your H is near you don't have to do anything you don't want to. But the very fact he is near in case you do need him is probably a good idea and affectionate of him.

You and him being in the same physical location is a good idea on so many levels.
First off you don't need to have a plan to face him.
You don't need to be ready or strong to face him .
Why should he be spared viewing the pain and suffering you are going thru ( especially when his choice to have an A is causing it .
I'd even go do far as to give him credit towards taking the initiative to coming to face it/you as a man instead of ducking away sheepishly!

As far as the pain in the chest , my dear I'm afraid there is no quick fast cure any one can point you to. If there was believe me every BS and every poster with any knowledge of it would be doling it out to you. What we can offer is the re assurance that there is a way out ( a long road where u will need strength to walk ) . We can send you hugs and support and lend a listening ear. Share our stories and shine the light on the path to recovery but you are going to have to do the walking.

Try to eat, try to sleep and try not to cry all the time is a pretty good plan for the day- for now !

Have u given any thought about 1-1 with the Harley's ?

I have an appointment with him tomorrow morning.
I really hope he will give me some hints to get out of this place.....

My H has arrived, I shall meet him the day after tomorrow.... Shen i think of it my hands are shaking.... I really don't know whether I can do this....

Maggie;

Yes, you can do this.

Believe me, I know how very awful it is to have your life foundation kicked out from under you. It will get easier as time goes on, and as your wayward husband continues to demonstrate his love and care for you. This really is the hardest time.

I encourage you to keep touching base here, and keep posting. It is great that you are going to counsel with Steve Harley. My former wayward husband and I did, and it was a very useful resource for us.

Sending you hugs from here....

so glad to hear that you are doing the phone session.

Yes you can do this ! I don't know you, but I know your pain and I can tell you from having lived thru what you are experiencing , you can survive this .
You need to read the plan, hear the plan and most importantly follow the plan.

You're going to get through this. You're going to be stronger and more beautiful than you've ever been before. Your beauty will radiate from the inside. It won't always be like it is now.

Wonderful news on both fronts Maggie. Let us know how your appointment goes, I really think that you will begin to feel some hope after speaking with the Harleys.

You will get through meeting with your husband also. You will be okay. You're in pain and it is okay to let him see that. He can help you.

Hugs to you.

Hi Maggie,

How did your appointment go with Steve Harley this morning?

It hurts to be put in this position, which we all have felt from our own Spouses too, but you do seem to have a repentant Husband, so you will need to work through this pain, either with him at your side or without him there.

I would have given anything for my W to have even shown the slightest bit of remorse. I really believe you will get through this and grow from the negative experience.

Keep taking care of your health and lean on your supportive friends, plus those of us who have been where you are today.

The initial shock lasted about 2-4 weeks for me, but i had to contend with repeated betrayals with no remorse and continually being left in the dark. The Not Knowing what was going on was the worst feeling for myself.

LTL

Hi,

....when the A news bumped on me so unexpectedly I wa so ashamed that I did not want to share it with anyone. and it was so hard to get through the day dealing with it all by myself. I did not want to tell anyone of my family trying to protect them from the pain. But then I reminded myself of one thing that my dearest friend, priest, told us on our wedding day " the happines shared with a friend is doubled and the sadness is cut in half"....Now, that I have exposed to my closest family and friends I feel so much better. I can openly talk about it, have someone to cry with, to yell with, someone to lean on....
And i have found all you that is really comforting. Thank you.


Yesteday had my session with SH. He did not give me hope, did not reduce my pain. But he ha a plan.... And I need something organised, steady and logical to grab and hold tightly.... So I will go on, have to go on.

Today saw my husband too.... It was akward and hard, painful and emotionaly devastating. We talked for long. No anger, no harsh words, only truth, good and bad, painful and sad. Snd it was going well - if well could exists in such a critical situation- till the moment I found out about important, very painful, selfish and difficult to understand fact....and I left.... Literaly took my stuff and left, could not neither talk nor look at him anymore. Could not stand the selfishness of his behaviour in this A.
How many times I will be finding myself in such situation?

So we are again at the same place we were this morning before meeting.... Or even worse, cause this morning i was not so angry anymore and now I'm boiling again.....

I feel so powerless and so tired....

Maggie, I know it is hard to believe right now, but if you will follow this plan, you will not be angry and hurt anymore. It is a long process, but you will end up with a marriage much happier and much SAFER than what you had before. But you have to walk through the steps. Don't allow your feelings to dictate your steps because your feelings will not always be like this.

If you follow Steve Harley's steps, you will have a happy marriage and you won't be thinking about the affair anymore. I promise you. Many of us have gone through this and have happy, peaceful romantic marriages today.