Very briefly - wife just told me that she isn't happy and hasn't been happy for over 3 years. We havnt had sex in three years (we both realise it was miscommunication). She also feels I am a bit controlling and don't care and has used numerous situations going back 5 years to prove it ( some of it true, others miscommunication but things were brought up that I don't remember).

I apologised and have since January tried to be a lot more supportive and not do anything to cause her pain.

Today. I found emails to the builder next door expressing her love that she sent him in January. I confronted her and she says it was never physical and she had ended it. We then went through everything that was wrong again, and then I asked what she wanted. She doesn't know. I have finally managed to persuade her to leave where we are (we are renovating the house so can't leave entirely) and she has agreed to go to counselling/coaching. She has said she thinks coaching is a waste of time but still has agreed to go.

She views us as just friends and doesn't know how we can get back to where we were.

My biggest concern is quickly getting away from the builder next door as I don't think we will achieve anything if he is still around.

The sad thing is I thought we were happy until last October when things started going wrong.

Any help/ advice / support greatly appreciated.

Welcome to MB. I am sorry for the events that have brought you here. However, you are in the best possible place to recover a marriage after an affair.

Hopefully, you have read the first thread in this forum, "Start Here". If not, read through that.

How long have you been married? Do you have children? I am curious why you characterized your marriage as happy until last October when you have not had sex in three years.

Your instinct to get your wife away from builder neighbor is a good one. Is the OM married? have a family?

AM

Hi, thanks for the reply AM. In answer to your questions:

Married nearly 4 years, no children.

Not having sex was an issue but one that neither of us discussed, just some things she said made me think she wasnt that interested, clearly I was wrong.I meant that although we did not have sex, I felt that we enjoyed life together ( she admits it wasn't all terrible just felt like roommates which I agree with).

I learnt that OM split from his 14 year relationship just before Christmas. At the time It didn't set off any alarm bells. Clearly now it does. He has grown up children.

I want to make it work with all my heart. I have found a relationship coach (counsellor as well) who I hope can help.

Does anyone have any advice on how to make sure the coach is any good?

Also after our discussion she says she feels totally numb ( gone to bed now). I don't know what more I can do but am feeling scared and sad for the future.

Hi Charlie, the best thing you can do for your marriage is to expose the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposing it will be ruinous. Dr Harley calls it the most important first step towards recovery. Please go read the exposure thread linked in my signature for ideas. In your case, I would put the OM's wife at the top of my list and work down from there.

Hi, thanks for the advice.

Unfortunately think he is single now but have told her sister, her mum, my dad and brother. Plan to tell the OM's work colleagues tomorrow.

My concern is that she doesn't see a way back - she brought up all the old issues when I discussed the EA.

Things are very tense in the house now, does it get any easier?

I would contact his girlfriend that he "broke up" with in December. Tell her all about the affair and ask what she knows.

After you expos� the affair, I would confront him and tell him to leave your wife alone or there will be hell to pay.


What EXACTLY did you tell them? And what have they said to your wife? Are these people talking to her about the affair?

Hi, I don't know how to contact his girlfriend. He is working next door no living there.

I told her sister and Mum that she had been sending emails saying she loved him to the builder next door and that I wanted their help as I wanted to make the marriage work. I don't know if they have contacted her as i told them this afternoon.i also told my wife i had told them.

I plan also to tell the builders client (he is a friend).

Am I doing enough?

I would go to his house or call there and see if there is a woman there.


Did you tell them she is having an affair? I would use the talking points in the letters in my exposure thread and be very specific and state she is having an affair and ask for their help. It is real important that you ask them to use their influence to persuade her to end her affair.

Does the OM have a facebook page?

Hi, yes managed to find his facebook page but looks like he is single on there.

When I spoke to my wife this evening she said it had stopped weeks ago. She has also agreed to go to counselling. My worry is that If I go in too hard she will move out (she has already threatened to do this).

What do you think?

I have now using the template sent facebook messages to two of her closest friends. I will carry on exposing tomorrow.

I would find his family members and expose to them.


If you don't go hard enough on the affair, it will thrive and grow and then you won't have a chance. Don't fear her moving out; you should FEAR an ongoing affair. And the affair will be ongoing if you don't expose it and expose it properly.

Our goal here is to save your marriage, not to avoid her anger at all cost. Avoiding her anger won't save your marriage.

I don't see how you can tell that from looking at his facebook page. If he is a playah, I would expect his facebook page to look like he is single. The way you find out if there is a girlfriend is go by his house or call there and see who answers.

Hi, an update and question.

Confronted OM last week, he got very angry and threatened me with violence (he is a big guy).

Went to counsellor/coach on Friday. My wife used this against me, saying that he supported her view of the things that are wrong in the relationship but she dismissed other parts of the session. She is not comitted to the counselling so dont think there is value going again.

I have not exposed enough and am going to do that today.

I still think the affair is going on, she has changed her pass code on her iPhone. One question, I am reading conflicting advice on whether it is best to ask her to move out if the affair continues?

Finsh exposure today.
Also post OM on www.cheaterville.com. Explain that he is a builder and not a friend to marriage and recommend that any married clients be very careful around him.

If he threatens you, call the Police. Then he can explain to a cop or judge why he is making threats.

If she refuses to end the affair, you should ask her to leave and carry on her affair out of the marital home.

When you send messages, you will need to pay a small fee if you are not facebook friends. Otherwise they will not see the messages.
Make sure your Facebook profile pic is a married pic of you two happy

Good advice here. Get the FB exposure done and all other exposure targets done today. Then report the OM to the police for threatening you.

Please don't waste your time and money paying a counselor or relationship coach unless they follow MB plans. You can get help by contacting the MB founders, the Harleys, or phoning in to the radio program.
Your wife is fogged in. Stick to the Plan A, exposing her affair, and work on yourself. And post here. You will get excellent support and advice.

just another update. The OM has sent a message threatening to sue me for slander as I put in messages that people should watch their reputations if they work with him.

Can I be done for slander?

NOt if you say because he is an adulterer. That is true, slander cannot be committed by telling the truth. As long as you have evidence you are fine. He is just trying to scare you.