A few weeks ago my husband told me that he was no longer in love with me, that he loved me as a friend or a family member but nothing more.

We have been together for nearly 13 years but we only got married 18 months ago. We have a daughter who'll be 8 in a couple of weeks.

I know that I haven't been as good to him over the years as I should have been and consequently I've made massive withdrawals from his love bank. I realise now that I have been demanding, disrespectful, judgemental, unsupportive and other such love busters. He's tried hard over the years to make me happy but he has been focusing on the wrong things, so he hasn't been great at meeting my emotional needs either.

I found this site soon after he told me how he felt and I immediately tried to make love bank deposits, but after a couple of weeks we talked again and he told me that I had to stop being so nice, that it was making him feel bad and guilty because he didn't feel the same about me.

His number one emotional need is not on the list of ten on this website, the one thing he wants above all else is to be by himself. He's always been this way, in fact he warned me of it when we first started dating. I was ok with this, I made sure he had time to himself but we also shared a certain amount of time together but eventually things changed, we had a daughter and I started to demand more of his time, she needed his time too and so the whole thing spiralled down from there.

Now, I can't make love bank deposits because I've been trying to do that and it made him feel bad and guilty, he's not open to my deposits, he doesn't want affection or sex or anything, so I'm guessing he's in the withdrawal stage. The other problem is all he wants is to be alone, I can meet this need and let him be alone but I'm aware that this will lead to independent behaviour which will be even more detrimental.

He's not having, nor has he had an affair.

He does turn 40 this year, I'm wondering if that may be having some affect?

I'm desperate, I just don't know what to do, I love him deeply and I don't want to lose him but it feels like I've lost him already. We get on ok, we chat and are nice to each other, we don't argue but there's no intimacy, no affection, as I mentioned above, he said he loves me like a friend. How can I make love bank deposits if whenever I try it makes him feel bad and guilty?

Hi User, welcome to Marriage Builders. Being alone is not an emotional need in the context we use it here. Emotional needs, in this context, are things that create romantic love in your relationship. His being alone will create the opposite of that end. He might like being alone, but that is not an emotional need in the context we use here.

I do suspect he is having an affair because he is not looking for solutions. When someone rejects solutions to their alleged problem that usually means there is more to the story. When a spouse says he is no longer in love, it usually means they have a new point of comparison.

What makes you think he is not having an affair?

Does he have any addictions? Porn? Narcotics? Alcohol?

Does he spend the night apart from you?

I realise that being alone will not fill his love bank, this is why I don't know what to do. If I let him be alone then I'm giving him what he wants, he enjoys his own company above everything else, he always has done, he's aware this is selfish and is almost apologetic about it, but he is genuinely at his happiest and most content when he's just by himself.

I think the reason he's not really looking for solutions is because he's doesn't believe that there is one, that he feels what he feels and there's no changing that. I think perhaps there's also a touch of laziness thrown into the mix, he likes life to be easy.

I know he's not having an affair.

Welcome to MB

Has he said the dreaded "I love you but I am not IN love with you?"

MNG

No addictions, it's rare for us to spend the night apart but occasionally one or the other of us goes away for work for a night or 2, but not regularly.

He's a nice guy, he doesn't want to hurt me or make me unhappy but his feelings are not the same now. I think it's been building up for a long time.

How do you know? Did HE tell you he's not? Waywards lie. No one is going to admit they are having an affair. When red flags begin to pop up its time to snoop to rule it out. Don't ask him. VERIFY yourself.

MNG

User,

he was no longer in love with me, that he loved me as a friend or a family member but nothing more.

That is virtually the same as I love you but am not in love with you.

User, is there some other woman, OW, who your H is emotionally close to? Check your cell phone bill for a number your H is contacting all the time.

God Bless
Gamma

Yes, and I had the 'it's not you it's me'.

He doesn't want to break up our family, he said he won't just walk out and when I asked him if he wanted me to move into the spare room he said 'no, I don't think so, I don't think that will help', but then there's no affection from him and he doesn't want it from me, he really just wants to be by himself. I'm at a loss as to what to do.

Well. Don't take his word on anything he says right now. Its time to go "James Bond" on him and get to the bottom of it.

Put a keylogger on the home pc. If you can get his phone put some spyware to gather the incoming and outgoing texts. Put a VAR (voice activated recorded) in his car under the seat or in the dash (stick on velcro works well or a velcro strap).

If ya wana fight for your marriage you got some work ahead of you.

When did you notice him pulling away his affections?

MNG

User, how do you know he is not having an affair? And is he using porn?

Where does he spend this alone time? In a room in your house? Where exactly? And what does he do?

Hi 1221,

Please don't ignore the instincts of all the vets that have suggested snooping to see for sure that there is not another connection with an OW.

I have seen it time and time again where one spouse believes there is no possible way for their spouse to carry on an extramarital relationship outside of the marriage.

If you snoop properly, maybe you could truly rule out that possibility.

Then, one way or another, the vets can guide you as to what the next steps should be.

Would your H like to have a more satisfying marriage?

After you rule out an affair, then you could invite him to this site to improve the relationship for both of you.

LTL

He spends his time in the lounge in our house mostly watching TV/movies, sometimes he reads or writes.

I have suspected a few times over the last couple of years that he may have been having an affair so I have randomly read all his text messages on his phones (he has 2, one for work and one personal) on a few different occasions, only once managed to get into his emails, I've never found any evidence to support my suspicions, not even a tiny bit. This plus his response over the years to other people cheating on their girlfriend/boyfriend, right from when I first met him this behaviour disgusts him, he's very morally sound.

No, he doesn't use porn, sex has never been a big thing for him.

User, your story sounds much like how mine began.

A couple of years ago, my WH started acting very strange. One night, he was supposed to meet me at my parents for a birthday celebration but when I texted him, he was at a local bar. Supposedly by himself and for no good reason. The next 2 weeks, he acted very cold to me, wouldn't touch me and wouldn't even say "I love you". I thought he was going through a tough time about something and was giving him space while also trying to get him to talk to me. Finally, I said to him that you have to stop traeting me this way and tell me what I did.

It was a surprise to hear that he wasn't happy, that we both were miserable and that we should consider a divorce. I was devestated, to say the least and was begging him to go to counseling and that I would be a better wife. I realized that I had been neglecting him and took a lot of blame that wasn't mine to take.

He spent the following few days staying out late and coming home at 3am. But after a few days, we talked and he decided to try to make it work. Within the next day, though, I snooped his cell phone records and found that he had been calling and texting a co-worker. He was in an affair for over a month at this point.

Snoop! All of the red flags are there. I'm sorry

I have snooped a little, but not very deep, however he has very little opportunity to fit in an affair, he rarely goes out, he works full time and yes I know he's at work when he says he's at work. He almost always texts me back instantly when I text him or answers if I call. He's never late anywhere if we're meeting somewhere or if he has to pick up/drop off our daughter anywhere. Sometimes when he's not at work I've come home early and unexpected and he's there, at home watching TV. If he is having an affair then he's keeping his tracks very well hidden and it would be almost impossible for them to be meeting in person. I think his affair is with himself, he would rather spend time with himself than anyone else.

Unless he is with you 24/7, he has plenty of opportunity to have an affair. People have affairs at work all the time. It is very common. So we need you to rule that out because the reasons he has checked out of the marriage don't add up.