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Clearmind, you are not just going to sweep this under the rug, are you? Are you planning on following the advice given? Prisca, I have written a letter to my parents that I will have 20years review. It has incorporated ideas from 20years thread.
me 43 fww
spouse 44 bh
DS 9
DD 7
On the road to recovery with 20yearhistory
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Clearmind,
Have you told your parents that you will not tolerate the disrespect your parents shown towards 20years?
What complqint exactly is it that your parents have? What complaint is it that 20years has? Brainhurts, Yesterday I wrote an email (but did'nt send) to Dr. Harley regarding my parents. It was tough to write because it had to refer to a lot of things in the past. It brought back many painful memories to me and to 20years. We decided it was not the path to take right now. I have read 20years thread and the advice that was given. Very good points were made. It is something that I need to work out with my parents. I really appreciate everyones concern and help. This forum has helped me in many difficult situations. I'm sorry Brainhurts that I am not answering your questions at this time. I will have to type again many things from the past that is too painful right now. It is an extrememly sensitive topic. Thanks again for your concern. clearmind, I don't think that the past should be referred to at all in solving this problem. And I also don't think that it should be yours to solve alone without your husband. There are a lot of ways this can be addressed. It sounds to me like your husband is open to a continued relationship with your parents if they will be respectful to him. It sounds to me like the ONLY way for that to happen is for everyone to agree to leave the past in the past. My suggestion is that after a day or so to calm down and recover from the trauma of reviewing the past, that you write another letter to Dr. Harley about the present problem, not mentioning the past other than perhaps as the reason you guys can't go to the city where your parents live. It sounds like there is a massive history of details of the past here. As I mentioned in your husband's thread, this is never going to be resolved by going over all of those details and establishing what the "right" interpretation of the past is. It sounds like your parents were offended a very long time ago and an effort was made to talk them out of being offended. I don't think efforts like that will ever work - instead I think the need is to call a truce on the past and establish a new future that is acceptable to both sides. Marcos, I'm not sure how this problem can be addressed to Dr. Harley without referring to the past??? Wouldn't he need all the information to know what is going on? 20years is extremely open to a relationship with my parents. And I love him even more for it. He has been great and supportive. You are right about trying to convince my parents to change their thinking. I have tried over and over to do just that and it has gotten no where. I agree with calling a truce on the past and establishing a new future. That is a wonderful idea. Now how can I convince my parents of that?? 20years and I are definately on the same page as to leaving the past in the past. It is my parents that want to re-hash everything. I don't think anything good will come from that. My parents think it needs to be addressed. I have written my parents a letter with ideas from 20years thread. Need to have 20years review it before my next step.
Last edited by clearmind; 03/06/14 12:00 PM. Reason: error
me 43 fww
spouse 44 bh
DS 9
DD 7
On the road to recovery with 20yearhistory
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20years is extremely open to a relationship with my parents. That is a very good sign. It is possible that your parents will not have to do much of anything to restore the relationship, other than to drop their own demands (the demand that you must meet them in their city) and disrespect. If 20years is open to this and enthusiastic, an apology for the past may not even be necessary (although it would certainly be nice). 20years and I are definately on the same page as to leaving the past in the past. It is my parents that want to re-hash everything. I don't think anything good will come from that. My parents think it needs to be addressed. To some extent I think you have to lead by example. You invite them to meet you somewhere and add in the message "We love you and want to see you and don't want to talk over old hurtful events of the past. We just want to see you and be with you again, soon." Then if they bring up the past in response, you end the conversation and try again later. If they ambush you and meet with you and bring up the past, you leave. (Come prepared to leave if necessary.)
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I'm not sure how this problem can be addressed to Dr. Harley without referring to the past??? Wouldn't he need all the information to know what is going on? I would outline the problems of the present and only fill in detail from the past where it is absolutely necessary. The main problems I see are: * your parents are demanding (they demand you meet them in their town) * your parents are disrespectful toward your husband (expressing judgment toward his motivations) * your parents won't stop talking about the past If those three problems were gone, I think this whole thing would be resolved!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Marcos,
We have several times asked to meet halfway at a restaurant. They declined with the reason they don't want to discuss emotional issues in public. The last few times we have offered with no serious talk, their reason was my dad's health. (had quadrupple by-pass about 5 years ago and started having more heart releated issues the past few months). They said they don't want to go that far from home. We offered to meet a little closer to them and they still declined. Maybe offer to go a little closer??
I will talk with 20year about your suggestion with the email to Harley. Sounds like a good idea.
Thanks for all your insight and suggestions.
me 43 fww
spouse 44 bh
DS 9
DD 7
On the road to recovery with 20yearhistory
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I would keep offering, and if they mention they don't want to discuss emotional issues in public, I would respond cheerfully that you don't want to discuss emotional issues - you just want to see them. Make it clear this is getting together as friends/family, not getting together to talk over issues. The goal is to NOT talk over the issues, because you will always see them differently.
I don't have any ideas yet to suggest about distance and your dad's health precluding them going farther. I was afraid that would be an issue. Maybe the four of you could start phoning each other regularly for pleasant phone calls? (Again, not to discuss issues - to have a friendly conversation.)
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Brainhurts ,
I have another favor/request to ask you. Could you post the link to the march 21st show? Thanks!
me 43 fww
spouse 44 bh
DS 9
DD 7
On the road to recovery with 20yearhistory
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Brainhurts ,
I have another favor/request to ask you. Could you post the link to the march 21st show? Thanks! Sure thing. They are really behind on the archives again, but as soon as they post it I will post it. Do you want all the segments from the 3-21st show?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Here you go. 3-21-14 Show
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Thanks Brainhurts! I was able to listen to the segment today. Appreciate you posting it.
me 43 fww
spouse 44 bh
DS 9
DD 7
On the road to recovery with 20yearhistory
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Joined: Nov 2010
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Thanks Brainhurts! I was able to listen to the segment today. Appreciate you posting it. You're welcome.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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