Copy of email sent to Dr Harley.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


I have a question.�
For a third of my marriage, my alcoholic mother-in-law lived with us.�
After divorce in July 2012 I allowed my children to continue visiting her for 2 hours a week at a local fast good restaurant.�
Lately she has accompanied us to the skating rink.�
Last week I picked her up and she smelled like she had been drinking.�
How should I set boundaries with her? Am I morally obligated to allow her to visit her grand kids?
Her daughter (my ex wife's sister) told me that she cut off all contact with this woman (her mom) and will not allow her any contact with her kids. Should I do the same?

Personally I do not like her. During my pending divorce she participating in my wife's concealing the whereabouts of my children, in violation of a court order.�
The children like her and she seems to show care for them but I do not want them to be emotionally dependent on an alcoholic relative, nor do I want them to listen to her lies.�

Can you please offer me guidance?
Thank you

Email from dr Harley:

I apologize for having not read all of the other posts you sent. �You are right that you can refuse to let your children see their grandmother, so take that problem off the table. �I suggest that you discuss the problem with the one supervising your wife�s visitation. �If the children are to be told by you that they can�t see their grandmother, you should have some backup from a respected person. �In the final analysis, the grandmother may be encouraged to clean up her act if she ever wants to see her grandchildren, which would be good for the grandmother. �If the supervisor feels that it�s okay for your children to be with their grandmother while she�s drunk, you have a problem greater than the grandmother.

I haven't contacted Dr. H. I had a session with Steve in 2006 and my ex and I each had a session with him in 2008 but somehow I didn't register my ex's drinking as the pressing issue at those points and neither of us mentioned it.

I do take Jedi's words to heart. Somehow it is coming off here like I have been just sweeping this under the rug, but this is something that I have taken seriously for quite some time. My OD doesn't currently drink at all, she has been passing the screens she gets in the youth program she is in. She's been dealt a rough hand not just the drinking, and when she first went to the IC it wasn't one of the issues she was asking for help with; she had some bigger mental health struggles. We have a session tomorrow and I can talk to the IC again then.

Jedi I was really surprised at what my attorney said, that I can go for custody modification for my younger one because he has been intoxicated when watching them, even though he hasn't been driving them intoxicated. I've been in Alanon for years and heard over and over that nothing could be done unless there is violence or DUI. Thanks for talking to me even when I'm hard-headed.

I still want to try to resolve this amicably, off to go talk to the IC together.

If the police observed it, they would call children services and take the child into custody. Most of the public knows this.

And Brain I'll email Dr. H.

Brain, I have the email ready, and was looking for the email address, is it mbradio@marriagebuilders.com?

Hi, I have been an active member on the MB forum since 2005, I post as NewEveryDay over there. I tried to save my marriage, but my ex's drinking made it impossible to resolve our other issues together. The posters over there gave me a ton of support and ideas trying to save my marriage, and then afterwords, and I am very grateful for that resource you have made available. In my first month joining MB, I was encouraged to try Al-anon, and that has been a big help too. When we divorced, I agreed to 50 50 shared custody, which is the norm here in Florida. BrainHurts encouraged me to write to you, because they said that you have cautioned folks not to leave their kids with someone intoxicated. My daughters are 12 and 18, so I guess we are talking about the younger one here.

I talked with a friend who is a Guardian Ad Litem, and she said it is very difficult to prove that one parent is intoxicated. He doesn't drive with them, he has my older daughter drive. He starts drinking in the evening with dinner, and my daughter is pretty self-sufficient with her evening routine. I am reluctant to go for modified custody because the kids don't think there is a problem and would describe it how he does, that he has a couple of drinks with and after dinner.


Thanks for reading,
[Ned]

Hi [Ned],

The study that BrainHurts was referring to was done in Iowa in the 1980s. They found that alcoholics that were intoxicated while being left alone with their children had a 70% chance of molesting at least one of them. I�ve counseled many women who were molested by their fathers while he was intoxicated, and he can�t remember any of it. While that study and my experience are not enough to prevent your husband from having them over for his share of visitation, your daughters should both be warned that when he�s intoxicated, they might be in danger, and to let you know if he starts doing anything �weird.� I doubt that he will let himself get intoxicated while he is with them, and a drink with and after dinner wouldn�t do it. There�s nothing much you can do about it until something actually happens.

Best wishes,
Dr. Harley

Jedi, I didn't leave out that he has OD drive for him. I said if you ask the kids, they repeat back the story they hear from their dad, even though when I was there I could see him getting intoxicated over the course of the evening. I am not trying to minimize the issue, just be realistic.