I have been here before, during the end of my first marriage. I found the community so helpful and I even had the wonderful opportunity to help a few others dealing with infidelity and divorce. Since then, I met and married a wonderful man and we will be celebrating 6 years in June. My H is loving, kind and good to me and my grown children from Marriage #1. All this time we have been very happy and described ourselves as "blessed". Then, two weeks ago, he shocked me with a statement that our personalities didn't mesh. It was only a small disagreement over something minor that turned into a huge deal.

This whole thing transpired without a raised word, but the effect was still painful. Since then, he has mentioned that he should leave me because he has a very low libido, and has for years, and that his chronic anxiety causes him to not want to go places with me. I mentioned once or twice that those are the ONLY problems we have in our marriage. I fell apart and that must ave scared him, because he said that he can't stand to hurt me. We went to a MC that night who told him these things are fixable and he told her that he wants to stay married. Being on the painful end of a divorce caused by infidelity, immediately brought all of those old fears and feelings back to me. I questioned whether he had strayed or wanted to stray and I believe he was honest when he said "absolutely not". The next day brought a doctor appointment and a visit with the staff Psychologist who both suggested that his chronic anxiety was not being managed with his current medication and recommended adding a new one. Both also encouraged him to give it time because most of the issues he is facing can improve. He agreed.

Last night, he told me that the anxiety is only part of it and that he doesn't feel that he ever gave himself a chance to prove that he could make it alone. Says that he doesn't want to hurt me and that he wants me in his life in any capacity but he thinks he should be alone and see if he can do it. I know that he has spent the majority of adult life married, but there was a 3 year space between his divorce and our marriage.

I tried to be strong, but I felt like my whole world was falling down around me. After talking a bit and listening a lot, he agreed to giving the meds a chance to work, going to counseling and giving it a year. I'm so much luckier than most here. I see that, but I'm scared that he will just leave and not come back.

Anyone familiar with this type of divorce request?

Welcome back. What was your original posting name?

Have you done any snooping to rule out an affair?

The story does not make sense. What is making him so unhappy that he would want to leave the marriage?


Is he agreeing to things that make him unhappy? It sounds to me like he is making reluctant agreements and sacrifices which has made him very unhappy and created an incompatible marriage.

Does he believe it is good for your marriage to go along to get along? Does he believe in the practice of sacrifice?

This tells me that he is so unhappy in the marriage that he would rather be alone. But if we could teach you both how to create a happy marriage, he wouldn't want to be alone. Being alone will not make him happy either.

Kris,

Did his first wife cheat on him, or belittle him for not having enough libido?

God Bless
Gamma

But if he were having an affair he wouldn't be expected to answer truthfully so this is not credible at all. I would quietly do some snooping to see if he is having an affair.

I'm not going to snoop. I did that the first time. I think that if he is cheating, it will come out and, if he's not, it will alienate him further and turn our home into a war zone. Better to continue being the wife he fell in love with and attend therapy, apart and together. He is also agreeing to a full year of working together to fix this. Usually, cheaters want out ASAP to be with the OW. I'll keep my eyes and ears open and discuss transparency at the counseling session.

It breaks my heart that he's unhappy. Right now, he blames his " messed up" head for all of this. He has been very sweet and affectionate since the last declaration. Very concerned for my wellbeing. I'm going to continue my goal of making our home and marriage a safe and peaceful place.

I don't remember my old posting name. I'll look it up

Gamma, he was cheated on while in Iraq and came home to a wife on her way out the door. Even his ex says he would never cheat. I think most of the negativity is coming from inside him. I'm currently praying for an improvement as his meds kick in.

If he is cheating, it won't come out if you don't snoop because cheating is kept secret for obvious reasons. If he is cheating, anything we tell you do will be worthless because the solutions will not apply. It is like trying to apply life saving measures to a cancer victim when the problem is actually heart disease. That is a waste or our time and yours.

And no, cheaters do not "want out ASAP to be the OW." That is rarely the case. So, we need you to RULE OUT an affair so our advice will not be for naught. It is not fair to ask us to help when you are not sure of the underlying issues.

Dr. Harley has some wonderful articles that he has written since the last time you were here.

Please read.
Snooping: Is it wrong? Or, is it the right thing to do in marriage?:

How will it alienate him? How will he know? Snooping is by definition secretive. If you do it properly he won't find out - unless you find evidence of an affair. If you find evidence you'll confront him about the affair, and yes, demanding that he ends an affair will alienate him, but it could save your marriage. Letting him have his affair (if there is one) in peace won't save your marriage.

Are you in fact saying that, if there is an affair, you'd rather not know about it?

That is a terrific article, Brain. Thanks. I hope Kris, and other spouses who suspect theirs is having an affair, read it.

Well, I did some snooping and I haven't found anything that makes me believe he's having an affair. Whew!!! So with that in mind, I have just been really focusing on meeting his needs and being the wife that I used to be before getting all caught up in other stupid things like Facebook. Yesterday, it was like a light switch had been flipped back on. He is happier, more at ease with me, and expressing sincere hope for the future as a couple. Perhaps his new medication is really beginning to work and perhaps my efforts to make our hope a more pleasant and safe place helped. We are still going to counseling and I will continue to keep my eyes and ears open for any signs of infidelity or other issues that could be affecting him and us.

One problem, now that the idea of infidelity is in my head, I can't get it out. He has friends at school that are females. There is NO record of phone calls and he is always home when he should be. He's not sneaking around with his phone. Our phone records are what I expected. So now what? I'm driving him nuts with my insecurity and I flipping hate that. He normally sees me as a strong capable woman and here I am becoming a pathetic untrusting nutjob. So he might have started the fire, but I'm throwing the gasoline on it with my needy pathetic behavior.

huh? first off, strong, capable women investigate their spouses when things don't seem right. It is weak women who won't take such steps to protect themselves. So I have no idea what you mean by needy pathetic behavior. And we did not tell you to drive him nuts, but to investigate to see if he is cheating.

I investigated. I couldn't find anything. Other than the sudden change in attitude toward our marriage, there is nothing to point to an affair. Now, stupidly, I'm acting out of fear of him leaving and it's making me panicky and emotional and seeking reassurance. Which I know is not healthy. I logically know these things but I'm having trouble controlling my desire to cling. Today, I am going back to my original focus which is making our home a safe and comfortable place for both of us. MC tomorrow night will be time to discuss issues. I will not discuss problems here with him unless he brings them up. I will discuss solutions and avoid LBs and embrace meeting his needs. I will focus on my emotional health and hold onto God with both hands.

I am stronger than this. I've survived the fire to walk out of the ashes a new woman. I don't want to do it again, but I can if I have to. I love my H very much and he has always treated me with such love and devotion. I'm praying that this is a symptom of a problem that can be fixed with the proper treatment, from me, his doctor and the counselor, and, of course, him.

Asking for prayers for strength as I know that this will be a one sided effort for a bit. Prayers for softening of my husband's heart and continued willingness to keep working.

Thanks for the tough words, I hate them, but I need them.

That is a normal, healthy reaction to a serious marriage problem. His actions are making you insecure because your world will be rocked if your marriage does not work out.

Thanks Melody. I finally found my former user name and will make future posts as such. I think you were here when I went through my own little form of Hell during 2003 and 2006. Here's a prayer that I won't be a return visitor.

Kris would you say he follows the policy of Radical Honesty?

I would suggest not. He waited until he was very unhappy to speak up. He is either dishonest in your PoJA agreements and agreing to things he does not want or it is an affair.

I dont see any major signs of an affair but you should surely rule it out. He isnt honest and wants out of the marriage.

They do not usually want out ASAP, I don't know why you believe that. A common tactic is to go to an MC (which no MBer would advise anyone to do as they are clueless and easily fooled) and drag out the period of having both wife and mistress for as long as possible. Basically to juggle until it comes crashing down.

My H gave me the 'I'm unhappy' speech while having a 2yr A. That is the more common scenario.





Not snooping is a very careless and unprotective choice. There is nothing 'insecure' about checking out your life investments. It is not YOU but your H's current behaviour making you feel the marriage is not secure.

Anybody would feel insecure being told stuff like that.

Who is this MC? Is it the MB program or is it just a talking shop?

What snooping have you done?