Everything about an affair is selfish!!!

One true way of knowing you are getting the Full Truth and honesty out of a wayward spouse is when they discuss and admit to things that they know will be very painful to you when you hear it from them.

But, the alternative is to be kept wondering and having your own mind continuously make up a thousand different "What If" scenarios in your mind because you do not get that full truthful honesty. Or, for them to Trickle Truth you which is an emotional torture and death by a thousand cuts.

Was he honest about whatever you needed to know?

Dr. Harley would say to not punish someone for being honest, because they may withdraw that level of honesty out of a misguided sense of not wanting to hurt you any further.

Eat and do something to take a portion of this off of your mind temporarily.

LTL

Listen to ML. She is speaking the truth. Many of us have survived infidelity. You can come out of this with a marriage that is *way* better than it has ever been before. That is what happened for my wife and me.

In time, you can build a romantic marriage that will allow you to leave the past behind you.

A plan with SH is a good place to be. Its a starting place to begin to walk towards recovery. Try to absorb as much of the plan and most importantly do the plan.
Kinda like a diet, most of know we need to do to loose those pounds but the kicker is that we actually have to DO those things in order for it to work

As far as your emotions with your H ,welcome to the roller coaster that you have stepped on for the near future. It will come in waves and some times you will be calm and collected and other times you will be bawling and paralyzed.
Know this that you cannot judge your recovery by your mental(or physical for that matter) status at any given moment.
It will go up and it will go down and it will go around and around until you are father along from D day and more importantly farther along in implementing the steps as outlined in the MB plan.
I can only keep re-iterating that many of us have been in your shoes , borne the same pain, thrown up on the same roller coaster, wanted to throw in the towel, felt too week to go on, too angry to care, too appalled at the selfishness of the affair and too physically exhausted to be able to continue .
And yet some how step by step, bit by bit, hand holding by hand holding have dusted our selves off picked up the pieces of our shattered hearts and marriages and made it to a place that made the entire journey worth while.
If you click on my user name (or any poster really) some where way back in time all their old posts and threads are connected. Click on any one and read their old old old posts from the days when they unfortunately hit their d-day and may be that will help you see where some of have been and where we are today, and where you can be in the future.

Maggie,
When my husband and I initially counseled with SH he'd use the analogy of piloting a plane to help follow the MB plan when its difficult to have perspective.

Apparently while flying a plane the atmospheric conditions can make it very hard to know what is up and what is down. This does seem similar to the overwhelming confusion that comes with the shock of a spouse being in an affair.

SH kept telling us to 'follow the instruments.' This is what pilots are instructed to do when they get turned around in the air. In other words, do not follow your instincts but do follow the MB principles. So these days you likely do not feel safe or trust in your husband. SH is saying shift your trust and trust the plan. There are no guarantees but be encouraged there is hope via the plan.

Steve plus us here can help you and encourage you and husband to follow this plan.

If you don't have hope yet, I have plenty for both of you.

As you have time, keep reading the stories here. When I couldn't see any hope in my own situation, I could see the healing that had taken place for others - far worse than me - and that gave me hope.

That is wonderful Maggie. I find your words really wise. No matter what you decide to do with your marriage, the important thing is that you don't behave like some sort of hermit with a shameful secret. I find it reassuring that you have faced this common fear of confiding in others and overcome it. You will need it for personal, if not marital healing.

Please may I ask that now you have this support you aren't still confiding in an Opposite Sex friend? I've been worried about this as you are quite vulnerable right now. He needs to spend his free time on his wife's problems, not those of other women, so I hope you will take my kindly meant advice and lean on family instead.

How goes the eating and sleeping?

Maggie,

How are you doing? Have you had anymore sessions with Steve Harley?

Hi Maggie, check in when you can.

Hello,

Haven't been here for a while....
It's been over a week that I saw my H. It was an extreemly painful time for me.
Managed to see him 4 times snd sll of them ended badly, in tears and huge pain in my chest.... Like torturing myself... And for what?
I also found out some "extra" infos that took me completely out, so for some time we were actually suspended with everything.
Now we are clear for talking, but I still find it so hard....
Actually it's been much worse after I returned home. This whole absurd hit me so strongly.... Everytime I was looking at my kids, everytime i was facing my family I could see the pain, delusion, disbelief.
I was so painful that i have stopped contacting him almost at all.... Just couldn't make it. I made up my mind that i will never come back to Kazakhstan, so what my H should do was to find another job somewhere else.

Only today my mom ( that is the wisest person on earth i would say) put some question marks on my decission.... She thinks i shall come back, cause the longer it takes the harder will be for me to come back to him at all ( I can see the point..... Recently have even started immagining myself my life without him, giving up without even trying).
It's just that I don't want to go back there, I sm so damn affraid of going back to the place where I've been hurt so deeply. I am affraid it would not help but make it even worse.

I need your advise.

It is very difficult for my H to move, mostly logisticaly, and either it takes few months, or it will be irrational and quick but it will completely ruin the minimum of stability that I've managed to create for our children and will be very stressful and unstable.
But still I don't feel like going there. Mostly because I am affraid...

Has anyone of you been in a similar situation? What strategy shall i take? I know you will not tell me what to do, This is my part, but some hints, advise, anything...

I am so sorry that you are having to live with this kind of pain. As I read your posts, I continually think, "She needs to have trust in herself." Your fear is paralyzing you. Understandably though!! I really hope you can close your eyes, take a deep breath (many actually), and think about the statement that you wrote above, "Recently have even started imagining myself my life without him, giving up without even trying." I want to ask you to NOT give up because of how hurt you are or because of how scared of all of this that you are. If you give up on your marriage because of hurt and fear, in a few years - when you are not so hurt and scared, you would realize that you just ran away from it. I implore you to find some inner strength, rely on yourself, rely on God, and at least try to see this through. You don't want to look back in a couple of years and realize that you didn't try everything you could try to save your marriage.

I really believe your husband is remorseful and wants to do whatever he needs to do to save your marriage. That is a fantastic thing to find at least a little strength in. People make horrible mistakes. Some don't care, others realize how bad their mistakes were and own them. From what I can tell, mane is trying to own his, and is trying to repair the damage he has caused. No one said it is going to be easy, but nothing worth it ever is!!

Try to look at it this way, through this horrible circumstance, your marriage and relationship with mane could actually become better than it ever was!!

Trust in yourself, Maggie. You can dig deep and try. If after a bit you realize it isn't what you want, you can always say so. You really are in control of things here. You do what you need to do!!

Being in the place where the pain was caused will be a huge trigger so I understand your fear. Unfortunately there will be many more triggeres , some that are conscious and some that attack you when you are totally unprepared.
Mine for example was Japan, cause that's where my DH found OW. For the longest time everything related to that caused me so much pain that I hated the entire nation. Now that's a lot of people to hold responsible for my pain, don't you agree.
Over time i had to do a lot of personal work in order to get over a lot of triggers, some easy and others that still lurk around that I still have push down every time they rear their ugly head. The point is over time and with skills thru the phone coaching I have a better handle on how to deal with them.
Whether you ever go back to Kazakhstan or not back, there will be triggers and you will need to be aware of them and have a plan to get thru them and the strength to overcome them.
The ones that you are able to identify you are already on your way to conquering cause you know that's what they are, what you need to watch out forward the ones that's sneak up on you and paralyze you.
Have you ordered and read the book surviving and affair. It was life saver for me in the early days. Gave me a road map and a plan on how to tackle everything that wa showing to be coming my way.

It's not an easy question, and you already have very good ideas about this.

Yes, it will be hard to be back with the triggers.

Yes, it will be harder to reconcile the longer you wait.

Yes, you all need to be out of K-stan as soon as possible, even if you do go back.

Brainstorm some ideas together. Relocating, jobs, what would it take to get you both someplace away from the site of the A, and having a chance to R? What would it take to make that happen?

Get wild and crazy with this. Think outside the box. Forget there ever was a box.

Pray that God will guide you. He will!

I can't improve on this advice. You both need to be together and away from K-stan within a short period. I doubt you could stand being there for more than a month.

As for being afraid to try recovery, give it six months. Then another six months if you want to at that point.

Where there is a will there is a way. Why is so hard for your H to relocate?

Maggie,


Do you have friends of the opposite sex?

I don't have many friends, few but good ones. And yes among the, there is one male friend that I've known for almost 20 years. And i believe it is beautiful to have such friends, cause their point of view can help you to understand your partner. and I believe it is possibile to have friends of the opposite sex without putting ourselves on the risk. It is just a matter of boundaries, limits and strong will, I believe.
My male friend helped me a lot during this whole absurd that I have found myself in. His wife was supportive too and i can only thank him to stay by me while i was feeling so awefully bad.

Have you seen these?

Are "Friends" a Risk to your Marriage?
The Risk of Opposite-sex Friendships in Marriage

Also, is your husband okay with this OS friendship? Do you text and email him?

This is exactly how affairs start. Married people who have opposite sex friends have poor boundaries and don't recognize the risk. 50-60% of all marriages experience affairs and this is exactly how they start. It is almost always with the people who say "it will never happen to me" because they have the poorest boundaries.

Hello there,

It has been a difficult time, I was struggling with so many emotions, cause i had to make a decission whether to stay far from my H and see us separating even more, or to get myself together, put my pain beside and go back there to try to work it out.

And yes, I have decided to go back, at least to give him a chance to put in action all those beautiful words he wrote me after i have left.
We are leaving on Tuesday. God only knows how will I make it. I am very scared and affraid of the wave of pain I will bump on once I enter my house. But there was no other way. ...
Funny.... betrayed, hurt, deprived of a trust, security, stability and femininity yet had to find strenght to face the increadible pain of coming back to fight for something that has been ruined....
I have never been good in math but counts don't match here.... Don't you find so???

The good thing is that i will not be coming back alone. I have MB program and Steve and you all. we continue to have appointments with Steve, and I have to admit he is really helping me to put some logic in this whole increadible mess. Not that it is easy, but changes the perspective...so hopefuly one day will change my feelings too.

Wish me good luck, I will need it SOOOOOO MUCH!!!!

Maggie,

there is one male friend that I've known for almost 20 years...And i believe it is beautiful to have such friends, cause their point of view can help you to understand your partner.

How does/did your H feel about this friend through the years? There are many opposite sex relationships which simmer in the background for decades and make spouses feel uneasy and distrustful of someone who seems waiting for an opening.

Although your H may never have said anything because no one want to break up a friendship, you might want to ask him about it.

One other point is that it may have given your H the feeling that it was ok for him to have female friends.

Were you ever romantic with this person.

My male friend helped me a lot during this whole absurd that I have found myself in.

Do you say things to this friend that "I can't say to my husband" if so this is another major way that affairs start. And even if it does not lead to an affair we should not say things to others we keep secret from our spouses.

God Bless
Gamma