Quoted for truth!

Blake, my wife posted a great suggestion to you - have you started listening to the daily radio show? This is how I saved my marriage.

BrainHurts posted a great link to a past radio show for you - did you listen to it?

You can save this if you get started following up on the suggestions, but not if you obsess over statistics. If you are looking for a reason to not try to save your marriage - well, that's easy; just don't try if you don't want to. You don't have to have statistics to justify it.

Brainhurts,

Yes I have been listening to the radio shows that you suggested.
Don't get me wrong I want to save my marriage and I will do anything to save my marriage... but the day to day uncertainty that I can save it is hard... and made even harder because I don't live with her and she has no interest in saving it. and wont even consider it... daunting challenge..

Your right I didn't fall in love I a day and I did break my marriage in a day.... so I shouldn't fix it in a day... I would settle for progress but I have not done anything to have that yet.. It difficult to do any love deposits when you have zero contact... and you still have 28 days to go with no contact... I do have this sense of urgency that if I don't do something very soon and she doesn't have a change of heart very soon.. the idea that this marriage is over will be well ingrained in her brain and extremely difficult to get her to change her mind.

Have you thought about mailing the handwritten notes every couple of days?

None of the MB experts here chimed in to say it was a bad idea.

Perhaps towards the end of the 30 days she will be warmed up enough to accept an invitation to lunch or dinner from you (during which NO verbal diarrhea will occur, right?).

I had a look for a similar case on the private forum where the couple were separated but one of them hoped to get back together. In that case Dr H advised not contacting the reluctant spouse during the period of requested NC. That would suggest that it would not be a good idea for blake to send notes during the NC period. If he wants to do a good Plan A he should respect her wishes.

Having said that about doing Plan A, blake, I will caution you about something that has not been dealt with on his thread.

It seems very likely to me that your wife married you for a visa. If she wanted a visa badly then of course she was able to act very lovingly towards you and persuade you that she loved you. That is what people who desperately want a visa are capable of doing.

That isn't to say that your angry outbursts were not the genuine reason why she broke up with you; they certainly were. What you had after she married you was an opportunity to make her fall in love with you and you blew it, big time, with that anger.

Since she does not want to divorce you for another two years, you still have that opportunity. It will be difficult, especially if my belief is correct and she did marry you to get residency. If she did, then not only was she not in love with you - you made that worse by your angry outbursts.

If you want to give this marriage your best shot despite the fact that she might have married you to get residency, then you need to get rid of all love busters, especially angry outbursts, and woo your wife. You've got two years to pull that off.

I got a call today to do the radio show next Thursday (7th) with Dr. Harley... I said yes...
They asked me to send my wife a email asking if she would like to list her concerns about the marriage. I sent her the email 1/2 hr. ago by phone txt... not a peep from her ... I told her to check her emails because I sent 2 ..... one was today about her concerns about the marriage and the other was yesterday asking for SS# for our joint tax filing ... nothing yet from the other side...

I don't think she married my for the VISA... I believe she married me because she loved me and I'm hoping she still does and that it will be enough to save this marriage.

She has told you that she is remaining married to you for the residency.

This might give you hope, or a chance, but it also pushes your personal recovery further into the future. She owes you radical honesty about her motives and intentions.

March 7 is a Friday

Itcangetbetter: when she first told me that we were separated and 1 1/2 months ago, she said that she would like to stay married for the next 2 years until she can get her permanent visa. When you say she owes me radical honesty I'm not sure what you mean... she has told me repeatedly when I have asked her to give this marriage a second chance (in my eyes / in her eyes 4 or 5th chance) that this marriage is dead. She has not given me any indication that she is willing to do anything to save the marriage. Last week I got a little spiteful and txted something that were not so nice.. we talked after that and she said if I wanted to divorce now that was Ok with her because she did not want me to hold this VISA thing over her head for the next 2 years...

Sunnytimes: I'm sure she will go out to lunch, coffee or something with me... I'll do my best not to speak about our marriage and I'm sure I will be able to hold off... but she will surely know that I still want to save the marriage .. and what do I do about that... How do you get your "wife" to have a change of heart, I know by my actions !!!... but the longer we are separated the more entrenched "divorce" is in her mind. and that is hard to overcome.. I just don't have a game plan that I feel confident in.. I just keep thinking that doing what everybody here has suggested (thank you) to just keep doing and giving to the Love Bank... that time is not on my side... and that thought makes me extremely sad..I'm not a crier but when I think about really losing her.. tears just roll down my cheeks.. I don't want to see my marriage come to and end.. I don't believe that we (she) has really exhausted all avenues to save the marriage... I believe that when somebody in the relationship is really been hurt by the other and the marriage is in serious jeopardy that the spouse that is hurt has the responsibility to make the other aware of how his action are affecting her and the marriage.. and this is a heart to heart serious conversation and things are laid on the table and everything is made clear what the problem is and what will happen if the problem is not corrected or address.. Couples "OWE" this to each other, owe this conversation to the marriage and owe this conversation for their children.. Well we never had this conversation... and as in correct as this next word may be if feel "Cheated" and I'm hurt, sad, disappointed , frustrated, restless, aggravated but mostly very sad and hurt..
The sad fact that it really doesn't matter at all what I think the marriage is owed ... It only matters what she thinks.. is also unfortunate ... I guess marriage is not a democracy but more of a dictatorship... I'm also struggling with that fact that I would have handled this completely differently... I would have shown more loyalty more commitment to her and the marriage.... again not that it matters at all... what I would have done.... Its somewhat ..sorry totally humbling to acknowledge and accept that I am a second class citizen is this whole matter until she decides differently..

Oopps.... I don't know what day ... I will go with Thursday..

Write to find out

I email them its Thursday 6th at 1:00

Dr. Harley asked if my wife could email him with her concerns in our marriage... (well we are separated) she said she agreed that it would be helpful and will email Dr. Harley before my radio show on Thursday (I didn't tell her it was a radio show)... The word concern in my opinion is a funny word... it has a underlining message that things can improve.. the word was given to me my Mrs. Harley I don't know if the word concern was specifically chosen by the Harleys... I would have asked my wife to email Dr. Harley with what she thought our problems were in the marriage... both ask the same question but one has more hope in the statement...
Anyway I think my wife is going to tell Dr. H all about my temper and how it scared her / tell him about how she felt she was walking on eggshells... But I think her main point will be That I'm Not Listening To HER when She Says The Marriage is Over!!! I believe that is what she means when she said "I agree it would be very helpful" I think she wants other people to convey her message to me .. That the Marriage is Over!!! she is hoping that I will listen to them... I hope that I'm wrong about this and she says nothing about me not listening to her that the marriage is over... I hope she tells him what went wrong and what needs to be corrected ... but that is wishful thinking on my part. and then again I'm worrying about something that I have no control over... but isn't that what worrying is all about... (fear of the unknown)

Where's the honesty in this?

I didn't lie ... I said I have a meeting with him gave her his email mbradio@marriagebuilders.com
my email was very short... its not like she or anybody she knows will be listening to the show