I am just wondering if I am loosing my mind.<BR>I have always been the more sexual one in our relationship, that adds to the hurt on H having an affair. So I read allot of your posts and you saying you won't have sex with the betrayer. I have been the opposite, wanting it all the time. And when we are not having sex I don't want him to touch me. Is this totally odd? I even find myself asking about ow and talking about her during. Has anyone gone through this. I guess I just feel so unloved by what he has done, that sex is the only time I feel halfway loved. <BR> I understand this may be a sensitive area but please let me know that I am not crazy here. Thank you

JJM You are not crazy in fact we had a thread starting on Oct. 29 It was titled "Hot and on fire fror betrayer. Why?" It was Hurt Bad's post. Check this out and you will see that you are not the only one who feels the way you do. By the way, I live in Oklahoma, which part of the state are you, if you don't mind telling me. I live in the central part. We are definitely neighbors.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

I don't really think there is anyone truly odd on this site. We are just responding any way we can to a situation we should never have had to respond to.<P>I too ended up back in his bed within days. I could be crying and crying, he would comfort me and inevitably we would end up becoming intimate. Then I would start crying again.<P>I think part of the reason with me though was that I knew his affair began primarily sexual. He didn't feel I enjoyed sex and she did. He wanted to experience that and determine if my unfulfillment was because of him. I instinctively knew before even reading any books or getting any help, that I had to give him what he was seeking from the OW.<P>This wasn't really that hard, because he was trying so hard to make things right from the beginning of my knowing. He was tender and loving and gave me so much attention. I realized then that I had very strong sexual needs, I just didn't know it.

Essyboo, I felt the same way and did the same thing but in my case it didn't work. I still feel like I wasn't good enough in that area.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

JJM -- Man am I glad to here you write that.<BR>I have been totally afraid to say that. Yes I have always been the more sexual one and I am the betrayed wife. Sex was usually always initiated by me and we had great sex! <BR>Yes, I too even resorted to talking about it during our sexual intercourse, even other things!<BR>I would really like someone to chat with that feels this way, I am scared to tell my best friend that, she would slap me.<BR>If you feel comfortable emailing me, I would love a female to talk to .. Thanks<BR>M<BR>kachord@knology.net<P>------------------<BR>Mater<P>

I am in a differnet situation how do become intimate again. That my H told me he wanted to be intimate I told he if he so muched as touched me I would be sick. He said if we made love then he knew we could work things out. I was like YEAH RIGHT!!! Someone please tell how do I start the intimacy over?

My W won't even consider it..... I really don't even want to be sexual but rather more affectionate ( cuddling for the whole night ) but I guess in the past that always led up to sex and I can see where she would be scared. <P>------------------<BR>Rutger......One day at a time.<P><BR>

JJM - you are DEFINITELY not the only one. I've always had a really "healthy" sex drive, but when he told me he thought he had fallen for someone else, something sure gotta hold of me! He wouldn't cooperate though. He's not home yet, (isn't that funny - I typed yet - never done that before-hmmmm) but I'm still feeling the same. Don't know how I'll feel if he ever does come home, though.<P>Don't feel alone on this one either!<P>Lori

SDS, I am quite near you. Email me. <BR>mackx4@oio.net

I considered my need to still be intimate as a sign of my desire to save my marriage, or maybe it was the other way around.<P>I found my H to be incredibly determined to please me during this time and I took that as his outward sign that he wanted to work it out, or maybe it was the other way around.<P>Just remember that it didn't take weakness to go back to his bed, it took incredible strength.

thank you Essyboo. Your last two lines have had me sitting at my desk crying my head off. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JJM,<P>Like so many of you, my H and i always had a very acrive sex life. Even when I found out about the affair, our sex life never dampened - probably escaled in intensity.<P>We even made some of the most fantastic love a couple days before he left me this second time 2 weeks ago. The first time we were separated for 3 mos. and continued to enjoy great sex, but always on his prompting. This separation, I do not think we will be intimate - he told me the same old line before he left this time: I love you, but am not in-love with you. I am in-love with OW.<P>I imagine he won't even try to be intimate with me since I am pretty much aboiding him. They are going on a trip together this coming wek and H is spending Thanksgiving with her not us. SOOOO, why am I still hot for this guy??? <P>Roll Me Away

I don't know but if my H walked in that door I probably would attack him, tell my son to get lost and who cares about the rest of the world. I know he was frustrated with our sex life so was I we were having problems mine were health problems just didn't know it at the time. All that has been taken care of and he knows how I have been feeling. We never stopped this summer, but I guess it was too late he was hooked into that fantasy land. But if he did come walking through that door.........<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

I left my husband when I learned of his affair. He came chasing after me right away. I was very surprised to find that my sex drive was very strong. I hated him, but I sure did want him. I blaimed my hormones bacause I had just started my second trimester in my pregnancy. We were still seperated, and talking in his car one day when I made him find an isolated spot to relieve my pent up sexual frustration. I felt abnormal to say the least, but they were my feelings at the time.

Hi Guys,<P>Looks like I am the "odd man out". Having sex with her is the last thing on my mind. I would rather have a root canal on a healthy tooth.<P>I believe that I have moved from the "I will do anything you want short of having electro shock treatments to get you back into my life" to a new uncharted territory of now "Iv'e got a good dose of resentment too and you can go pound sand up your @$$".<P>When I start to miss her, I remind myself of all the lies I have been told over the last 2.5 years and just picture them sneaking around together laughing at me that I am the biggest idiot around. Not anymore hon!<P>Sorry, don't mean to be a downer here. I'm just tired of being made a fool of. I'm moving on to bigger and better things. I'm done with W. Iv'e had it and don't like it. Now there are two people, no wait, three who don't want this marriage to workk out.<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic

JJM - Just to add a "quickie" (so to speak!) I still have incredible desire for my W despite her affair. She just makes me, frankly, horny as hell lying in bed next to her all night. The problem is, her affair seems to be having the opposite effect on her (not surprising, typical of betrayers). Ultimate frustration. Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex

JJM,<BR>I can relate to wanting it more. I have touched her since 30 May 1999. Even then she told me that I caught her off guard (she says she was tired.) I can only assume that she was dreaming that it was the OM and not me. This hurts equally as well.<P>What hurts the most is that we had just gone to a Family Life Marriage conference and things seemed to be going really well. Then she, according to her, played a joke on me which involved the OM who is also having marital problems. She wrote letter that was supposed to be to him and I was supposed to find it because I have snooped before on the previous affairs to get the evidence to support my accusation. OM's W got involved because of their really disgusting joke. I am the one who is blamed for getting OM's W involved when OM's W called me first. I only spoke with her initially which resulted in our going to lunch so that we could talk at length about what we suspected. <P>This happened after 30 May. She had not slept in our bed until her breast reduction surgery which resulted in her sleeping in our bed two nights after she came home. They kept her overnight because the surgery took longer than expected. I am still treated like the one who is all wrong all by myself. No, I did not meet her needs, but it was not because I did not try. I was the one who probed to get things out of her. Our entire realtionship has been that way. I give all of me and get very little in return.<P>I have been praying that she will become the Christian that she professes to be. The moment that she does is the moment I get the W who accepts me the way that God has made me and corrects me anytime that I am outside His will. It won't be her but I will be Him using her to correct me.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

My W has been in a 3 year affair and just moved back home after living with OM for 6 weeks. <P>She has told me that the sex with OM is the best of her life and she doesn't know if she can give it up. Yet I want HER all the time... she even told me... that's how she feels about the OM... she wants him all the time... <P>It's so confusing... but I do love to touch and be with her... so don't feel alone... my wife admits she loves sex with OM but it's OK with me and I still want her constantly.<P>BTW, I have always been the more sexual one ir our marriage so it's very hard to realize that my W "wants" someone else so badly.<BR>

When I first suspected there was an OW, my sex drive kicked in overtime. Even when he finally admitted it, I still craved intimacy with him. Maybe it was a desperate attempt to hang on, who knows. But he was the one who stopped wanting me. Guess he felt he had to be faithful to her. He also said he didnt' want to give me mixed messages. It took 10 months before I saw him again after he left, and when I saw him walk in I knew I wanted him in a heartbeat. But he still doesn't want me. So since then I have been with a few men, and trying to feel like I am desirable. Well, some of them want me, but I keep comparing my feelings for them with those I have for my H. The sex has been good, but can't compare with the depth of intimacy that 21 yrs brought me and H. Hoping that I can become celibate for awhile.

Off topic and unrelated but...Medic238: Pound sand up your @$$? That was hilarious! I was rolled up laughing. Still am. Sorry folks...it's just the imagery!<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.