Hello,

I'm a new poster, but have been reading for about two years now after discovering my wife was having an affair (apologies, not quite familiar with all of the abbreviations yet).

Following the discovery, she exposed herself to me and ended the relationship. We then started rebuilding our marriage. Things seemed to have been coming along nicely until a few months ago when I started to get the feeling that something may be amiss. I tried to talk with her about it then, and she vehemently denied it, and I mistakenly let it lie for a bit. Now things seem to be getting worse. No show of affection toward me really. Very disconnected at home. I've tried engaging again, but it isn't going well.

My concern is that while she knows I can see the activity on her phone and what she does at home, I have no idea what goes on when she is at work. I have asked her to simply show me who she has been emailing the past few months, and she has denied, stating that her work email is her last slice of "dignity" and privacy. I am not a fool, and am pretty sure that means there is something going on there, but I am just unsure how to proceed. I am trying to make her realize that if there is nothing for her to hide, then there should be no reason to not show me her activity, but she isn't going for it at all.

Help.

Who was the OM? A coworker? Does she still work with him? Can you tell me more about her affair?

Are you married? If so, how long?

Any children?

Any other affairs in either of your lives?

What kind of lifestyle does she lead? Does she go out without you?

We have been married for 10 years now. She has a child from a prior relationship, we have no children together. No other affairs that I am aware of.

The OM was someone who we (both) became friendly with on our daily commute. She got a little too friendly. I will admit things between us weren't particularly great at one point, which led to the affair. I caught her texting the OM all day one day, and saw the exchange, which led to the eventual exposure and termination of the affair.

Prior to the affair, we would spend time together, but she would also spend time with her childhood friends away from me. This is what helped shield the affair for a while as she claimed she was going out with friends.

Post affair, we have spent much more time together. Her son recently moved out to college, which has left even more time together, but has led her to expressing that she is feeling bored now, as we used to be in the run going to various sporting events for her son. That was the first thing that got me worried she may be straying. We eventually got to the point post affair that she would go out with her friends, maybe once every few months. I still have a hard time with that.

Bringing it forward to the current situation, after a few months of feeling like we are going through the motions, she is trying to start the going out with friends more often. I wish I could trust her, or her friends, but since that was used as an excuse during the affair, I fear for the worst.

The problem now is I have zero evidence, as I think she wisened up to the fact that she was leaving a trail. Now with her potentially shielding everything behind her work email, I have no way of knowing what she is up to.

Does she have any contact at all with this guy? Is he married, and if so, was his wife informed? When you say the affair was exposed, to whom was it exposed?


I agree you should fear the worst. That is not how married people act. That is how people having an affair - or looking for one act.

Here is what I would do if I were you. I would stop asking her if she is having an affair and become a super spy to see what she is doing. There are many ways to do this. The most effective is to hire a PI to follow her for a few days. You can also put a keylogger on her computer and spyware on her cell phone to see what she is doing. A good cell phone spyware will have a built in GPS.

Does she drive a car?

The old OM is out of the picture. She has had no contact with him, deleted him off her phone, blocked his email, etc. We have heard from people who still talk with him that he left his wife for another woman (and if I hadn't figured out what was happening, that would probably have been my wife).

I was really hoping she would be reasonable here, given the history, but clearly that is not going to happen. I monitor her home computer and her phone, and there has been nothing out of the ordinary there, which is why I suspect the work email is the avenue of choice.

Yes she drives.

Did you expose the affair to his wife? And when you say he is out of the picture, do you mean he is GONE entirely? She NEVER runs across him?


When you say you "monitor" what do you mean exactly? Unless you have a keylogger, you can't see anything that she erases. And on her phone, you wouldn't be able to see anything that she erases. Often affairees will hide the OP's number under another friends name. Another favored tactic is to have a secret cell phone. They buy the prepaid ones so there is no record.


One way to catch her is to place a VAR under the drivers seat and record her conversations.

If she goes out with friends, that would be an ideal time to get a GPS on her car and hire a PI to follow her for the night.

We commute together, so yes, the original OM is out of the picture. And by monitor, yes, keyloggers are there.

Sounds like I don't have much choice at this point than to go the PI route.

That might be the fastest way to blow this up. Find a good PI and make an arrangement for him to follow her the next time she goes out for the night. You might even have him watch her at work for the day to see if he sees anything, ie: lunches, leaving to a hotel, etc.

Once you get this intel, we can help you with next steps. Our goal is to use this information to save your marriage. We would help you kill the affair and put measures in place to make sure this doesn't happen again. And it will keep happening unless you get to make a radical change in her lifestyle. We will help you do that.

In the meantime, I would act like you don't suspect anything. Just step back and act very clueless.

I guess I was hoping by giving a bit of a hard sell that she would come to her senses. I'm taking the pressure off and will gather more info. She was planning on "going out" this weekend, and this is when I suspect something fishy to be taking place. I hate the thought of letting her go down this path, but I guess the only way I can truly confront her is with hard evidence.

Stay tuned... I guess...

That is the most strategic path. Sure, you can badger her into staying home this weekend, but that won't get you anywhere. She will sit there and sulk and you will be no further. But if you play nice and wish her well, you can find out what is really going on, throw a nuclear bomb into the works and use it as leverage to kill the affair and save your marriage.

After you blow up the affair, we will help you affair proof your marriage so this doesn't happen again. And that means setting conditions where she doesn't go out with "friends" anymore or keep a secret email account at work.

Thank you for your guidance. Will report back when I have more to report.

You are very welcome, my friend. We will be here for you when you are ready to take next steps.

Do you have a GPS tracking device mounted on her vehicle to see where she is going in real time?

Get one, plus hide a VAR in her vehicle to record her conversations while she is in it.

Also, you should click the Notify button and request a moderator to move your thread to the Surviving An Affair sub-forum. You are not in Recovery.

LTL

I'm picking up a tracking device, figuring she'll probably turn her phone off so I can't track that.

It is just killing me to think that she'll go through with this, again, while telling me to my face that everything is ok. I love her with all my heart, but am trying to face how to move forward, again, after this is all revealed. I don't know, maybe at the end of the day it isn't worth it. Sigh.

My wife would claim to be going to AlAnon meetings or to her counselor, or "alone time" when she was really meeting OM.
Even trips to the grocery store can be quick hookups in a car.

The tracker will help a lot, a PI or friend staking out the place would help too

So one thing I am sure she will have concocted a semi-plausible cover story for when I figure out where she is when she goes out this weekend. The "friend" she is supposed to be going out with will most definitely be in on this with her, since this was the MO the first time around. Without a PI involved and with only location info, what's the best suggestion for tripping her up and getting her to break her cover? I have toned down the pressure, and instead of being accusatory, I am going down the path of being the still recovering husband, which I know is wearing thin with her (as if she gets a choice).

I hate this.

Did you get a Real Time GPD Tracking device yet and install it on her vehicle?

Did you plant a VAR inside of her vehicle to record conversations?

LTL

Don't trip her up. Just get the evidence. Waywards are great liars and you are not going to get very far trying to trip her up. Get a PI, put a GPS on her, get spyware on her phone, do you what you have to do in order to get the evidence.