If there isn't an affair, then Lovebusters are what cause resentment and withdrawal. How do you treat and talk to your husband?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that you have nothing to lose by a short term focus on ruling out an affair. It still leaves room for all the things you would be doing if you assume there is no affair.

• You're presenting yourself as an attractive alternative to whatever is distracting him from your marriage by eliminating LBs and demonstrating a willingness to meet ENs, without pushing
• You're getting information now so you can ask your family and his for assistance when the time comes
• You're supporting your kids and family during a stressful time with fun, light FC time

Yes but people who are genuinely just a bit distracted don't want to separate. You didn't want to separate did you?




Most people who are having an affair are very distant in person, but they want to go to an MC to work on they marriage. NOT UNUSUAL at all - it is TYPICAL. All people who are having affairs are desperate to go see an MC, in fact. It gets the betrayed spouse off their back so they dont have to have conversations about why they want a separation.

We've seen that countless times.

If he had reasons for a separation he could discuss with you, he would discuss it with you. And not past stuff, but stuff you could be doing today. He'd say: "Honey I want to separate because I am not getting x or y from you. Can I have more x and y?" But he won't say that, like a reasonable person, will he?

As to an A risking his career, good lord that doesn't stop anyone. In fact it seems to encourage it because they take risks in flirting thinking they won't go too far. The same thing about not risking a career could be said about the President of the United States.

It is not NECESSARILY an A, but there are good reasons for you making a more serious attempt to entirely rule it out.

If he had said: "I love you but I'm not in love with you" or he was glued to his locked cell phone I would say it is a definite A.

Wanting a separation for vague reasons can be attributed to other secret causes though, like addiction etc. A PI or snooping will get to the root cause.


I.[/quote]

Dr Harley can help people who say that. But your H isn't saying that. He is trying to separate or more accurately put you on the backburner so he neither loses you but he also has space to do some secret thing for a while.

People NEVER want to separate for more closeness. They want to do something else, secretly, without their spouse.

The fact that it is only temporary makes it even more likely to be an A. Men in particular do not like to leave permanently.

Dr H usually says this. Which is why WE are saying it:

This is 20 years of marriage counselling experience. Melody Lane has been helping people on these forums for ten years since she and her H took Dr Harley's course. She is never wrong.

Again, he's not asking for a separation. He did tell me that he was questioning whether or not he wanted to stay in the relationship, but to a certain extent so am I. (For example, if I know that NOTHING would ever change, I would not stay.) However, we have agreed that we want our marriage to work, we understand that we both need to make changes, and we are trying to figure out how to do that.


Well, he hasn't said, "I want to separate because of X, Y, and Z" because he doesn't want to separate. But, yes, he has given me reasons that he is unhappy in the marriage -- the cleanliness/organization of our house (esp. given that I work only PT now), some religious differences, and the fact that he feels that I am too dependent on him for my happiness.

The past hurt/rejection is brought up as a reason why he doesn't feel motivated to meet my EN, not as a reason that he is not happy in the relationship.

As for an affair risking his career, I agree that it doesn't make it impossible. But again, that's hardly my only reason for rejecting an affair as a possibility. And again, you are just going to have to trust me that a workplace affair is next to impossible because it would almost certainly be uncovered by his employer and would result in his termination and even if it were somehow going on in secret, there is no way for a PI to uncover anything that might happen inside his workplace and all of his time outside of work is 100% accounted for.

I am reminded of the old adage, "To a carpenter, every problem needs a nail." I'm sorry that so many of you have been through an affair, but you need to stop assuming that that is the case with every marital dispute until proven otherwise.

We need to do no such thing. You asked for educated opinions, and that is what you received. In my time here, I can recall no situation like what you are relating that didn't turn out to be an affair. There are plenty of examples of instances where people are not dealing with affairs and come to us for advice, and are not told to look for an affair. Don't accuse us of being obsessed on affairs. Rather, be aware that if it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck, and acts like a duck, it is probably a duck.

You are confusing educated experience with bias and I would only point out that you are the least objective person on this thread. Sorry, but you are. The posters here don't "assume" that every marital dispute is an affair, but when we see red flags, we point them out. Unfortunately, we are almost always right.

I will just state again that you are free to take or leave the advice you receive here. That is your choice. It is all the same to me. Best wishes...

Obviously, we are just talking in circles at this point. I have considered and investigated the possibility of an affair and did not find any objective evidence to support it. Because of the circumstances (and again, including some information that I don't feel comfortable sharing here), I do not think that further snooping would reveal any evidence either, even if an affair were occurring. I also think that further snooping would almost certainly be uncovered by my husband and I am worried about the damage that it would do to our relationship if he were NOT having an affair but found out (for instance) that I had hired a PI to follow him. So no, I will not be taking your advice on that front, and I won't be addressing the affair question again unless/until I find evidence that one is (or has) occurred.

I find it a simply ridiculous assertion that you (or anyone) is "never wrong" and that the only reason a spouse would disengage from (or consider leaving) a marriage is because he or she is having an affair.

For what it's worth, the Dr. H articles that resonated with me the most were the "Why Women Leave Men" and "How the Co-Dependence Movement Is Ruining Marriages." I think my husband feels that he is a good spouse and he views my requests for a different expression of love as a selfish demand. He is very much of the "we are only responsible for our own happiness" camp and considers it a virtue that he is emotionally independent from other people. However, I think that emotional independence is a fiction -- both in the sense that I do not think it is a virtue within the context of a marital relationship, and also do not feel that my husband is as emotionally independent as he thinks is. (Obviously, I am over-simplifying for the sake of brevity.)

My husband's reasoning is that he feels that I am putting too much pressure on him to "perform" (i.e., be affectionate), that if I give him some space (i.e., stop pestering him) that he want to be affectionate of his own accord, and that in the meantime it is not reasonable to expect him to be able to affectionate. I disagree and have told him as much. He says that he is not close-minded and is willing to consider another approach if recommended by a professional. Hence my question: do I need to be more patient or does he need to be more giving? I am happy to just buy the books and have us read through them, but I wanted some advice as to whether or not I'm off base that Dr. H would recommend that he try to meet my EN even if he doesn't "feel like" meeting that particular need right now.

There is no law obliging you to follow any of the advice you receive here. It is all the same to us. Feel free to reject or accept whatever you like.

He cant be affectionate towards you because there is someone else. Everyone who has responded to you sees this, just not you. When i pulled my head out of the sand I could hear it all in vibrabt colour. Try to give yourself this one moment without the protection of denial.

How about breaking it down to simple steps, even if he thinks it should just come naturally? Have you read the article about Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders? I don't know Clara you can't really talk him into doing something, but can you ask him to try out some things for a weeks or two and see if you two like them? Maybe you two can brainstorm a bit and figure out what would make him enthusiastic about trying some new things.


You're preaching to the choir here He is saying these things out of State of Withdrawal, if he gets back to State of Intimacy he would enjoy making you happy.


Hmmm, how about planning some RC where affection would come naturally?


Have you all looked into the online program?


Well your path is going to take some more patience, it doesn't look like it's going to change on a dime. And if you two are to have a marriage it's going to involve two giving partners, not just you.


I don't think you're going to get him there by trying to convince him. How about planning some fun UA and FC things? No matter what happens you'll make some good memories for your family.

Please read.
Buyers Renters and Freeloaders