BH,

Don't engage her in conversations as above. It's not really constructive, and it doesn't bolster your Plan A.

You can certainly demand she end the affair, but navel gazing about your relationship isn't going to soak through her foggy skull.

What will;

Take care of yourself. Look and smell as good as possible. Have your home and children looking as good as possible - this is a time to build habits that you WILL continue if/when she returns to the marriage.

Be calm, composed, and pleasant whenever she is around.


One way of getting over that giving up feeling, what worked for me, is by working on me I realized that I didn't HAVE to win my wife back. I CHOSE to fight for the marriage. I gave HER the opportunity to return. If she didn't? Well, too bad for her. She'd be missing out on this awesome hunk of man that I was shaping in to.

Recover YOU. She can choose to join you, or she can chose not to. Make that decision her win or her loss.

BH, you don't have to wait for 6 months! That is just a suggestion and it is entirely an individual decision. If you are at the end of your rope, then go into Plan B and shut that door. And yes, you will need to go into Plan B regardless of whether you want to save the marriage or not. Staying in contact with her will wear you down emotionally and physically.

You can do plan A without going out to dinner or having regular conversations. If I were you I would minimize contact, but try my best to avoid AOs and DJs. As HHH suggested, do things to improve your image and to find happiness, and when the opportunities arise do something nice for her. Sending love letters once in awhile can be effective.

Is the divorce in process?

I forget where you are at legally.
I would not enter Plan B yet..
As I recall, she left you and the kids and comes and goes as she pleases.

I would make getting custody of the kids priority. You earlier said that she agreed to give you primary custody, and she would have them every other weekend.

Has this been formalized in Court?

I couldn't agree more. This is the path I took as well.

If and when you can get to this mental place, it will create a strong peace of mind for you. She will be the one missing out.

I figured that if our M did not R it would be 100% on her. Not me. I created a new 'me' that I really like.

What are the things that your W would say she doesn't like about you? If you can focus on these things, and PROVE to her you have changed, you might change her mind.

What were the reasons for her A? Can you define where things went wrong in your M and correct them? Dr. Harley discusses that there are always reasons for an A. Not to mistaken for excuses...because there are none.

Lovebusters was an extremely eye-opening book for me. It changed my life. Not just in my M but in all my relationships both personal and professional.

Another thing, i feel like exposing the affair back fired. She keeps bringing that up. She even said because i told everyone, its more difficult for us to R. She has avoided talking to anyone that i exposed it to even her mother. So i dont think it has really helped.

It helped tremendously because it has made her life much more difficult. It is much harder to carry on an affair when others know all about it because you can't ease the affair partner into your life. You just don't see the benefits yet. Affairs thrive on secrecy and keeping them a secret makes the fantasy grow and thrive. Exposure starts the destruction of the fantasy. Expsure will work to kill the affair immediately about 50% of the time. In the other, more entrenched cases, it hastens its death.

And exposure will not prevent anyone from reconciling. A WS who is serious about reconciliation will not be stopped by wild horses.

Anger over exposure is a result of the fog. It is like taking the booze away from a falling down drunk. Sure, they are furious at first, but once they sober up, they are no longer angry. It is the same with adulterers. Once they sober up, they are not angry.

It is not "more difficult" at all. If she wanted to reconcile, there is nothing stopping her. She is just manipulating you into feeling bad for interfering with her affair. You are being PLAYED, in other words.

I can personally attest that this is the spot-on truth. Fog talk plain and simple.

Yep. She is playing you. Been there.

Of course it helped. It brought it into the light of day.
She wants to play the "dating while separated" card and now she cant do that.

The truth is, she is a selfish woman that only cares about herself.

All these responses are spot on. I know you are in it presently and can't see the big picture because of your emotions but it is clear as day. She is a toddler jumping up and down throwing a tantrum saying anything/everything to get under your skin. She is not in the correct state of mind to make proclamations about recovery.

She is still drunk and angry that someone is trying to keep her from another bottle of booze.

Anger over exposure simply means you hit the target very effectively. The WS is EXPECTED to be angry just like a drunk driver is angry when you take the car keys away. Her anger does not mean it was the wrong thing to do!

Backfired? On the contrary, your bullet hit the target.

Chemotherapy is misery, but it can save your life. Exposure is the chemotherapy that can kill an affair. It will make the wayward furious, but it will kill the affair and enable the fog to lift. She will get over it. Ask any of the thousands who post here and have recovered their marriages after an affair.

You've got to put a stop to her stopping by four times a week for family time. You are allowing her to have her cake and eat it too. She needs to pick up the kids when it's her turn and take them with her to wherever she's going. You have to make this hard for her. She doesn't get to just waltz in whenever she wants and play happy family while you do all the hard work with the kids.

Listen to Melody. File for divorce. File for full custody. Make sure she can't expose the kids to her scumbag OM. You've got to up the ante here and show her that you're not messing around.

Plan B will help you recover and it might help you retain a little love for her. Her brazen behavior is disgusting and you can put a stop to it. Don't let her bring her skanky, entitled energy into the family home.

I filed for divorce already. That had no effect on her that i can see. She is still on the fence.

Yeaterday i told her i want a true separation, so she needs to pick up the kids to see them. And no contact between us. She agreed.

I exposed an now getting the flak from that from her.


I hope i am doing the right thing.

BH808,

I would suggest you also post OM and your wife on www.cheaterville.com.



You are starting to do your own thing....you need to stick to plan A or plan B.
Have you read Surviving an Affair? That book should be by your bedside.

This shows that exposure works. Exposure works best when you hit every target. So make sure you get the word out to everyone.

Then do the cheaterville.

No contact? That means you are going into Plan B, and in my view it is too early for that.

I would suggest that you MINIMIZE contact for your sanity, but not cut her off altogether. You should keep the door open and send her thoughtful texts and notes as part of Plan A. But you don't have to have dinner dates, etc. You need to have a solid, consistent Plan A (carrot and stick) and do things that will enable her to see that you are her best option once she comes out of the fog. Do you understand this idea?

I read the book Surviving the Affair and understand the concepts of Plan A/B. I've done Plan A since the end of December. I just can do it anymore. Also, I think my wife is too confused to understand. The carrot/stick thing makes her think I am being wishy washy. I'm going to Plan B now.

Hold on!
Don't enter Plan B unless you have custody approved by the court ( or at least verify with your attorney that she can't just take the kids for a weekend and not return them) ; you also need an IM as explained in the book