Okay so here's my story:

I've been married to WW for 10 years and we have two beautiful boys, 8 and 5. Our marriage has had its ups and downs but never really had any major problems until about a month ago when she gave me "I don't have any feelings for you and want to separate" speech. She can't afford to live on her own so she moved into our spare bedroom in the basement. I tried to have a big conversation with her at the time about what I could do to make things better but basically I just tried to placate her and was terrified of her leaving so I just went with the whole "separation" idea to give her some space.

Over the next two days I started doing some reading, trying to find something to help me and I found this site. I read just about everything I could and started checking out the forums when the red flags started to go up in my mind. I started digging and sure enough, I found hundreds of text messages on my cell phone bill to two numbers. Reverse phone lookups revealed two guys, one an older guy with kids who she has mentioned in the past, and the second a young 19 year old kid. Both are co-workers. Then I started digging further and found out she had been meeting up with both of these guys after work, or leaving early without my knowledge. I was devastated. I confronted her about it, tried to stay calm and she basically lied to my face and said just about everything in the WW playbook (as I now know from reading the forums a lot). I exposed the affair to everyone I could think of in her family since she has been really close with her mom and siblings in the past. She was furious but refused to end the affair. WW claims the older OM is divorced with a couple of kids and she loves how he is such a devoted father, etc. She admitted to kissing, but no sex, and I was able to swipe her phone once before she put a lock on it and read lots of texts which appeared to confirm this although there was lots of texts to suggest it is swiftly leading to full blown PA. I also contacted the OM and demanded that he leave my wife alone because I wanted to fight for our marriage, etc. He never said a word.

So now it has been 3 weeks since my exposure. Wife has basically disowned her family and claims that their attempts to talk to her are pushing her further into OM's arms and even made comments that she would get a divorce just to spite her family!

I have been trying my hardest to Plan A and not be a doormat, but now I am at a crossroads. I can tell that she has shown no signs of slowing down and I am not sure if she has the slightest remorse or guilt about any of this. I desparately want to save the marriage for the sake of our kids. But now at the six week mark, I can feel my anger growing more and more as I see her texting all the time and sneaking to see him when she thinks I am not aware (I have been GPS tracking her).

I really need some advice here. She claims that in her mind she wants to give the separation about 6 months to see how things go with all of the changes I am making and part of me wants to believe that if I just keep my mouth shut and Plan A without much of a Stick (since exposure didn't seem to do much), I might get her back. Another part of me feels that I should drop the hammer and cut off her phone, force her to move out if she wants to keep seeing this guy (guys? she claims the younger guy is just a friend, but I'm not sure on that one). I guess I am just afraid to make the wrong choice here. I am on such a rollercoaster that I can't decide what to do but I know that if she ends up sleeping with this guy (assuming she hasn't yet), I don't think I can handle that for any kind of long term recovery.

Sorry for the long winded post, but I am just getting to the end of my rope here. I want to do the best thing for my boys but I don't want to do something stupid and ruin any chance I might have had.

Helpful advice would be greatly appreciated.

--Dahc02

Hi Dahc02, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here.

Have you investigated the OM to find out if he is married? Does he have a facebook page?

When you exposed the affair to her family, did they reach out and try to persuade her to end her affair?

I would also point out that moving into the guestroom is not a "separation." Separation means you separate. I would not go along with any pretend "separations" because you only serve to enable her delusions.

Have you told your boys about her affair?

Hi Melody,

I have tried to investigate the OM and did not find any evidence that he is married. He does not have a facebook but I was able to find a LinkedIn profile with minimal info on it, just the name of his day job (WW and OM met at part-time job they both work at in the evenings).

I have not told my boys anything since they are so young and life at home has been "normal" for the most part, just mommy is sleeping in the basement room and they haven't asked any questions about it yet. I figured I would tell them if they started to ask about things more. But maybe I should tell them anyway. I also have not exposed to anyone in my family either since they don't really have much of a relationship with my wife and I didn't think they would be able to have an influence over her. I also figured that if we were able to reconcile, I didn't want my side of the family being disrespectful. I considered exposing it to everyone but it just feels like I would be burning too many bridges???

What do you mean by not going along with "pretend separations"? Am I wrong to allow her to sleep in a separate room? I figured it would be harder to Plan A if I gave her an ultimatum about sleeping in the same room with me or leaving the house.

When I exposed to her family, they all were upset and texted/called her several times, but my wife has always been the most headstrong in her family and refuses to ever admit that she is wrong in an argument. Maybe this is part of my problem with her. I could probably count on one hand the number of times she has apologized for anything over the years. She tries to spin things back on her family and bring up every past trangression they have done in the past as a reason for why they have no room to talk to her about her "trivial little relationship" with this guy. I mean after all "its not like she abandoned the boys" (her words).

Sorry for ranting a bit, but I have a lot of pent up rage at this point that is warring with my desire to save the marriage. I just want to be able to look back and say that I did everything I possibly could to save the marriage, for the boys sake most of all.

Thanks for listening and thanks for the help.

--Dahc02

I would try calling his house or driving there to see if there is a woman there. [disguise your # using *67] Search on the internet and see if you can find his parents or any siblings. Do as much research as you can on him.

I would expose the affair much further if I were you. The little trickle exposures you did are not likely to have any effect.

I would expose to:

1. your children
2. the OM's parents and family members
3. the workplace
4. your own family

Please go read my exposure thread in my signature for templates, strategies.


I would tell your sons all about her affair and explain why adultery is immoral. Tell them the full name of the OM so they will know the name of the enemy. Tell them to let you know if she brings them around this scumbag. She can explain why she is doing this to their family.


ALL of your family members should know. The purpose of exposure is to gain support for your marriage. Ask them all to call or visit with her and try to persuade her to end her affair.

Taking a timid approach to exposure is like bringing a pea shooter to a gun fight. It is not enough to kill the affair but is just enough to piss off the wayward enough to come after you harder.


My point is that sleeping in the guest room is not a "separation." I slept in the guest room last night because I have a terrible virus but that does not mean we are "separated."

Your wife is calling this a "separation" so she can justify her affair. You should not go along with this. Don't call it a separation.

And lastly, I would DEMAND that she end her affair. Don't rest until she quits that job and ends her affair. The OM should hear from you every time he speaks to or sees your wife.

Dahc,

First, you need to let your boys know what is happening.

Secondly, you should let your wife know that if she continues her affair she will need to find another place to live. Either she ends contact for life with these two scum bags or she leaves the house.

Understand that the fog is powerful, and she will probably decide to leave, but that will empower you to go into a stronger Plan A because the rage and anger you are feeling will not get the best of you when you are talking to your wife. It is very difficult to abide by your wayward wife rubbing your nose in her dirty affair. Don't let her do it. Protect yourself and your boys from it.

Nice job exposing the affair. Now it is time to expose to the friends, family, and acquaintances of the POSOM.

If she leaves the house, you still have a great chance to save your marriage because so far you are taking the right steps.

Have you read Surviving an Affair by Dr. Harley. It's a must read for you, friend.

Other men are cowards and worms who can be easily run off. Your job is to run this guy off. Here is the message you need to convey to him:

After you expose the affair more thoroughly I would set her down and tell her that she must end the affair or this will lead to divorce. DEMAND that she end her affair, including quitting her job.

Yes, and when you do it, be firm, calm, and respectful. Be the one with class. Be the adult.

All right, well this sounds like reasonable advice and will definitely cause a nuclear explosion in our current situation. I have been on the fence about doing this because the other part of me wants to believe the things that she is telling me. I guess I have nothing to lose at this point since she has been "threatening divorce" since it started anyway. I guess the only reason I had been holding off was because I was afraid that I hadn't given myself enough time in my all-out Plan A for her to even see that I was committed to making permanent changes in my life and in our relationship. It has only been six weeks.

Thank you Melody and Justthe3ofus, I think you have some good advice on furthering the exposure. I will gather more info on the OM as fast as possible and go for the nuclear option.

--Dahc02

I understand what you are doing and that is a good part of it. But Plan A without a massive effort against the affair is very ineffective. See, her lovebank is closed to you so any efforts you make to fill it will be worthless if you are not actively and aggressively working to kill the affair. This is why exposure is such a critical part of Plan A. Please go read the thread in my signature. It is really important that you understand the whole point along with best practices.


Good man!

Dach2, the most important advice I can give you is this: the goal is to save your marriage, not to avoid your wife's anger at all cost. Don't concern yourself with making her angry because your marriage can survive her temporary anger. It can't survive her ongoing affair.

Exposure is not anti-Plan A. Exposure is *part* of Plan A. In Plan A, you work to be the best possible spouse you can be while fighting for the marriage. Plan A does not include facilitating the affair. Plan A continues while you expose.

How about an update?

Correct, the most part of Plan A is to kill the affair. Your wife LB for you is closed as long as the A is ongoing. Tell her she must end all contact and leave her job or she will need to leave your household. DONT BE AFRAID TO MAKE HER LEAVE!

She might go for a little bit but every contact she has with you from that moment on will be pleasant and you should focus on making the best life for your children. You should also tell your children exactly what is going on and why you are making their mother leave.

This will give you huge leverage because you will have your children, she cannot afford the life she has now on her own and then it will stop allowing wife to have Love Busters with you which she will in turn have with her A partner and it will strain the fantasy.

Don't get bullied and take a stand. I know its hard when you care but do you really want to be her doormat while she carries on an affair in your household? That is exactly what's going on, don't let her put you through that continued pain.

Update:

Sending out exposure letters tonight to everyone I can think of. About to call everyone in my family. About to tell the boys what is happening. Did more digging on the OM's family and still couldn't find out if he is still married or even find divorce/marriage records. No one home at his apartment. I did find another address and number in town with some individuals that might be relatives so I will be calling them. Also, about to contact co-workers at WW/OM's part-time job that know them both, some in management.

WW went to work "early" tonight and I tracked her by GPS to OM's day job before she went in to work later. She still doesn't know that I have been snooping, but I will reveal the extent of what I know to her later (but not my sources). When she gets home tonight I am going to calmly demand an end to the affair or ask her to move out.

I know this is going to unleash all kinds of hell. I hope I am doing the right thing.... I hope I can weather the storm....

--Dahc02

Perfect! Can you find him on facebook?


I would plan to OFFICIALLY notify the HR department, a key VP and their supervisors. Does the company have a website? If so, you can send the exposure letter that way.


When you talk to her tell her that you "had her followed" and that you know she went to the OM's workplace. Good job in getting the GPS on her!!


You are doing great!! Just expect her to be furious and make all manner of threats. DON'T LET IT BOTHER YOU!!! "I was going to give you a chance and now I am not" blah,blah,blah...... Just don't get scared, angry or bust out laughing at her tirade.

Dahc,
The actions you are taking now give you the best chance to destroy her affair and enable you to recover your marriage. But this is a process and it takes time. Enter Plan A as a soldier at the start of long war. There will be many battles to be fought, and by exposing and setting limits with your wife, you are dictating the terms, and that is a very good thing.

How did exposure go?