My wife asked for a divorce in November after over 11 years married. We have a 7 year old special needs son. She told me she no longer loved me. I asked for time to improve our marriage. She agreed but refused to do anything. I started more date nights, reading books, etc. I didn't find MB right away. Things are not improving but we are having some dates. She just is not affectionate to me right now. I don't think the issue is love busters. I think the issue was/is Recreation Needs among other emotional needs. I have been doing everything I can to meet her needs but I think she is in withdrawn state. We were so focused on our son that we lost focus on meeting each others emotional needs. We also both come from homes of divorce so we didn't have a good role model.

After much doubt and not finding any significant proof, I found proof which matches everything I read on MB forums about ILUBNILWU phrase. I know his first name and phone number. I know she has talked to 2 friends regarding affair and my desire to fix marriage.

I am really lost regarding the next step. I am not sure I can convict with the proof I have so I think I should keep gathering. Though, I want to confront and don't want to wait. I also don't want to reveal my current source. Do I reach out to a couple of her friends for more proof? Or do I need to sit back and wait?
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BH 38
WW 38
Married 12 years
DS 7 (special needs)

Hi FT, welcome to Marriage Builders. I would get the proof as quickly as you can [a couple of days] and then expose the affair. Go read the "Start Here First" thread, and especially read my Exposure 101 thread and make an exposure plan.

Is the OM married? What do you know about him?

I know of the difficulty in having a special needs child. My autistic son is now 31. I am retired and his primary caregiver. He is a great guy, but he also poses an extra challenge for our marriage. My wife and I have had to learn how to keep each other first while still meeting the needs of someone whose needs are so great. Back when my wife had her affair, I was worried about how I could draw her back from that fantasy to a real life situation with such a big problem in it. By following Dr. Harley's plan, we accomplished this and now enjoy a full recovery. We put each other first now, and my son is a lot happier as a result.

So, follow this plan and listen to what ML is telling you.

Facts:
OM is coworker, I know there is at least EA but I wouldn't doubt PA based on intel. I know his first name, phone number, and email. Sex toys have left on trips when she was suppose to be on girls weekend. So I would guess "girls" weekend was lie considering toys didn't leave when we travel or she travels alone. She texts OM a lot. She has denied having an affair when she brought up divorce topic in Nov but I didn't have any facts before except for toys and I didn't expose that fact.

Should I wait to get his last name? Do I call her out tonight? I have read the articles multiple times but my head is spinning. I never thought this would happen to me.

Do I first call on her to end it and then escalate to notifying family and friends? Should I reach out to him and let him know about the family that he is ruining? I am thinking to only tell her that I heard about it from a "friend" that I asked after discovering toy trend. I don't want to burn my source.

I am guessing she won't end it without escalating and that likely will initially push her into OM arms.
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BH 38
WW 38
Married almost 12 years
DS 7

Get solid evidence then Expose affair to Friends, Family and workplace. Then advise WW that you have a plan to restore a romantic marriage where both of your needs are met but she needs to end all contact for life with OM and quit job.

Do not threaten exposure, expose without warning.

FT, do not approach her about anything. You need to be quiet and act like James Bond. Come back here with the evidence of the affair.

Find out everything you can about the OM while you are at it. Go search out his facebook page and copy and paste all of his contacts into a text document for safekeeping.

It sounds like you DO have proof of an EA, and a likely PA, correct?

If that's the case then you can expose. You don't need jury level evidence of anything physical you just need enough to be sure an A is going on. You don't have to specify 'physical' affair in the exposure letters, just refer to it as an affair to tell people this man is trying to destroy a marriage. It is for her to prove it has/has not gone physical by passing a poly and transparently showing you all her phone and cash transactions. Can you tell us specifically what your proof shows?

How much? Content?



Try googling the email addy, the nickname if he uses one in the email address and the phone number.



Left at the hotel or what? How do you know this? Who are the female friends? Are you on good terms with them?





You do need to know who he is before exposure. Get a PI if you need to.





What is your source?



No don't say anything about it, just expose without warning once you have OM's identity and proof. Your goal is to create SHOCK and AWE and make her so mad her head spins. That is what it takes to blow up the romance and make her see it as disgusting. Lots of calls from disappointed people all at once. She has rehearsed blowing you off in case of discovery, but she hasn't rehearsed for the shock and awe of exposure.



He knows all about it and does not care. Men who sleep with married women are the worst kinds of loser.

You should confront him (after you have exposed him to all his f&f) to let him know you wont roll over easy with the aim of running him off.

I wish I read that an EA and PA should be exposed the same before last night. I did ask her about sex toys and it turns out I think that is innocent. Though, I asked her if she was lying about the affair question I had asked in the past and she admitted to an affair years ago that she claims ended years ago. Though, it is a coworker and I know they still talk and I think it is back to EA status if not more.

WW -> OM U still want Me event though i'm defective
WW -> OM Stress not helping. Worring about what's going on with U & me, home, work, family b/s
WW -> Friend "OM text me last night but didn't reply when he thought Mike was with me"
WW -> Friend "OM is trying to be silly this morning. Omg So hot & cold. Its gotten old"
WW -> OM Wish you where here

In hind sight I should have waited but I kept the exposure card up my sleeve. I still don't know last name.

I know this made a hit on the love back but it did lead to a conversation that revealed one love buster of mine had been disrespectful judgments. She shared lots of feelings but still states she doesn't know who she is anymore and is not sure if she wants a different life.

Do I let her get comfortable and get more proof & last name?

I know I went a little off script but I didn't realize EA should be treated the same. My head is still spinning so I am not always thinking straight.

Huge strategic error. Did you do any of the things suggested to you? BTW, the likelihood this is "only" and EA is miniscule.

What is the disrespectful judgment you identified?

AM

And now I figured on this is not her first affair. I have found proof it is at least the second with a coworker. OM#2 is still friends with her. I know she told me about rumors of OM#2 and her BFF even broke up with her due to those rumors. They are now friends again. Her BFF has had off and on affair with OM#2. She got very upset with OM#2 for lying about resuming affair with BFF.

My only issue is I don't want to reveal my source of proof. Her BFF knows about OM#1. I think I need to tell BFF about OM#2.

Yes. Stop talking and quietly snoop. Then come here for exposure guidance.

You do have proof of an A but you need to know who is is too. Expose them both at same time. Can you hire a PI?



I'm quite concerned about the incoherence of your posts. Are you sleeping/eating? If you are finding it difficult to function get to your doc for Anti depressants. Many of us have found them a useful leveller. You are in the battle of your life and need to function right now.

Ok, I got full name of OM.

My plan is to expose ASAP. I will contact her parents, her sister, her close friends, and I think her employer. The employer is source of affairs and while she needs the job and insurance they need to keep eye on environment.

I also plan to contact her BFF who knows about OM but she doesn't know about OM2. That should help push wedge between OM2, BFF, and WW. Right now OM2 and BFF are helping enable this affair.

I think I will pull trigger this afternoon. It will be really bad timing for her at work but I can't keep the secret.

Have you read the exposure 101 thread in MelodyLane's signature? Read that first. Is the OM married?

AM

Is OM1 or OM2 married?

Please read this.
Exposure 101

You need to expose on OM(s) sides also.

She will have to QUIT the job. You do realize this, right? The affair won't end if she works with him.

Did you find the OM on facebook? Is he married? Did you read through my exposure thread to get exposure tactics?

Who are your exposure targets? And what do you intend on saying?

Are either of these OM married? If so, their wives should be informed TODAY. If they have facebook pages, I would expose them - USING THE INSTRUCTIONS ON MY EXPOSURE THREAD - to as many facebook contacts as possible.

Yes, she needs to quit the job. She won't want to but there is way too many affairs going on there.

I can't find OM on facebook. I suspect he isn't on facebook because I looked at several of her coworkers and didn't find him listed as a friend. I don't know if he is married. I can't find any online info on him. Not even a speeding ticket!

The exposure targets are parents, her sister, her closer friends, a couple of our close friends, her employer, her BFF who knows about current affair but not previous. Her bff is enabling her and she is also getting divorce but her bff will get pissed about second affair since she is also having affair with him. I will call out both OM to employer. One is a VP.

I plan to use the canned letters and modify as needed. I will have to call parents because they are offline types. I can facebook sister. I can reach BFF through cell or maybe facebook. I can reach most close friends through facebook. I need to figure out her managers email so I can contact her. I don't think her manager will be happy.

This will blow up big time! I don't know if I can save it but I think this might be the only want to get her out of that work environment.

Slow down trigger finger.

Do you have contact details for the OM's family and friends too? You want to expose all three at once. Otherwise you are just warning the OM to lie low.

Can you go to their FB pages now and copy their friends list? Save it into a word doc.

So:
1) Copy OM FB friends lists if you can
2) Read the Exposure thread in Melody Lane's signature. Carefully.
3) Post your exposure notes (from the templates) here for review before you go for it. I'm a bit concerned that you seem very jittery.

WW's personal exposure list is fine. As for workplace exposure follow the templates in the thread and make sure they go to more than one key person in the company. We can help you with that.

Can you find a land line # or home address for the OM? If so, I would call his house using *67 to disguise your # and see if a woman answers. Drive by the house and see if there are any cars there.

If you can get his email address, go to facebook and search using his email. Sometimes that will bring it up.

When you expose to the employer, I would use the template on my thread and send it to THREE people since one is a VP. Send to the HR Director, the president and their supervisors, ccing them ALL.

Is the VP OM married?