Absolutely!!

100%. That is what I want!

This is really the heart of the issue is 'how' to deal with them.

Bring up the past and explain why I have been hurt or just move toward the future with different expectations on both sides.

We tried the forward thinking approach and they don't want to have anything to do with that. They are choosing to continually pound on the issues of the past.

That has a really interesting resemblance to a classic disrespectful conflict, in fact the basic one Marriage Builders addresses. "You don't love me." "Sure I do; I support us / take care of the kids / etc., etc., etc." The real question that has to be addressed in that scenario is what kind of care the person wants. And the real question that has to be addressed here is what behavior do they want from you for a friendship? What would show them you like them?

Keep in mind at all times that this can never be fixed by debating with them to prove you actually like them or prove you didn't intend anything by the things they were offended by in the past.

I think I would consider sticking with that:

"How about we meet next Saturday in Paluxy?"

"Why won't you come to our town?"

"I'm sorry, we aren't willing to come back there any more, but we really would like to see you. How about we meet next Thursday night for barbecue in Hattiesburg?"

"You never really did like us. I'll bet your glad to have this excuse to get rid of us. And right now while your father-in-law was sick you won't even come to see us."

"Mom/MIL, we'd love to see you again soon. We love you and miss you. Talk to you later."

Next week:

"Hey, how about we all take your grandkids to putt-putt in Pascagoula this weekend?"

Repeat...

This really has my wheels spinning. Can you elaborate your thought process on this?

I'll try - you mentioned how they were upset several years ago about some incident that couldn't be helped, and how they didn't accept your explanation for it. My observation is that discussions of that type are usually unproductive - they can't read your mind and know if you intended to slight them or not, and no amount of logical reasoning can change their feelings if they feel bad about it.

In Love Bank terms, you made a withdrawal, and you'd like them to understand why you took the actions you took (or didn't take, etc.) because you feel it would then be less of a withdrawal. The truth is that usually doesn't work - the action would still be a withdrawal.

Of course you aren't trying to get your in-laws to fall in love with you! But the way we'd address a misunderstanding like that in marriage is the same way to address it here: providing your reasoning and justifications won't help anything, because what's really going on is their feelings about you are negative, and their feelings are going to control their beliefs, rather than the other way around. So we'd address it (in marriage, or any relationship that you want to retain) by not getting into motivations or circumstances but instead setting up the situation such that you will protect them from it ever happening again.

You want to do positive things to build the relationship and eliminate negative things that tear down the relationship, and avoid debates about motivations because those debates rarely exonerate you, instead they turn out to be a negative event that tears down the relationship further. At the same time you want to protect yourself from disrespect or other abuse by declining to participate in any conversations or events with them when they are disrespectful to you.

Does that shed any light on what I'm saying?

I'd like to bolster the point Markos is attempting to make here with what exactly opened my eyes to the futility of trying to get into they "why" of things;



http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3402_disrespect.html


From there, it becomes good practice to just follow the POJA.


Why ask why? Try POJA dry.

Yes, it does. We are taking your suggestions and we will see what happens.

Talking about the issues with them has not worked and it is difficult to see how it would moving forward. This side of the fence would prefer to put the past in the past and have a mutual agreement to treat each other with respect in the future. The other part of me wants them to see the errors in their ways, admit fault and apologize. I know I have.

An apology from them would go a long way with me but I suspect that will not happen. To date, there has been no indication from them that they think they have done anything wrong.

Especially when I have come forward to them, owned up to my mistakes, asked for forgiveness.

Granted, I have not shared with them my feelings and how they have hurt me. Most likely they will never know the extent that they have hurt me. Maybe it doesn't matter. I don't know...the most important thing my marriage though.

I do not like this resentment in my heart towards them.

Moving forward, this is a big step for me. Not easy to move forward feeling like you have been wronged and to not even granted and acknowledgement or an apology.

From the beginning, I have felt that I was the bad guy in their eyes throughout this ordeal. Being the victim, it is not easy feeling this way and difficult to be very motivated to even want a relationship with them. They have criticized me extensively. In turn, they have not to their daughter. At all. Crazy. This is a major source of my mental dilemma with them.


Hoping for the best though. Thank you for your help. Your perspective has been very helpful!

20 year as a BS spouse I completely understand your position. It is almost impossible to believe that someone you treasure could complete such a betrayal. The pain is real. You no longer trust foundations you once could firmly stand on.

It is okay to have those feelings. It is okay to allow yourself some room to heal also. I did ask my husband to leave. However, he refused ( in a nice way) and said he wanted to fight for the marriage. He would do anything needed. Because of my children and the many good years we had together I decided to listen to the advise here on MB. I was honest with my husband. I let him know that I would try my best but could make no guarantees I could get past the hurt and betrayal of trust.

We are now 17 months DD. I can honestly say that I am glad I listened. I am thankful for all the advise on working on triggers, LB's and most importantly spending UA time together. Because he stayed we were able to spend time together I have some new memories. ... some are just wonderful!. Can I say I trust him? No! The motto moving forward is trust but verify. But I do feel we have some foundations using the POJA and Radical Honesty.

No one can say what each persons tolerance is. The decision is yours. For me, I will not settle for a marriage based on fantasy or illusion. I want real honesty, commitment and love. I have found some valuable tools here to help me with that goal. And I actually feel more confident that ever before that I will be fine come what may because I have tried my best.

Well, sorry to say but no good progress with IL's.

For them to move forward, they have to relive the past. Since this doesn't work for us we are at an impasse.

They also keep poking at me as a major culprit in their hurt and saying I won't acknowledge it. This is very offensive for me as I HAVE done these things.

Bummer.

I would have to be an absolute broken record with people like that.

"You have been hurtful to us from the beginning of your marriage..."

"I'm sorry; I'm not going to talk about that."

"Just a minute, I wasn't finished, now I want you to admit that you are the source of the problem, because you've always wanted us to..."

"We'd love to see you again soon, but I don't want to talk about this stuff from the past. Talk to you later; bye." (click)

Thanks, Marcos. I agree 100%. Clearmind however is having trouble with this.

It is evident that we are not going to convince them of anything by discussing the past. Trying hard not to resent them. This is proving to be difficult.

What does she want to do?

She told me earlier today that she wants to stick to this plan of inviting them to things (such as Easter) and not discuss the past. If they say yes, we say we want to just enjoy the day and if they press to discuss the past, we respectfully decline.

Maybe eventually they will miss us and their grandchildren enough to move toward the future.

They have really dug their heals into this and her father is quite stubborn. FIL's Brother and his SIL have not spoken to their son/grandchildren in over 10 years. When I have asked the IL's why..they say that no one knows for sure. They just are holding a 'grudge' for unknown reasons.