Have you written them a letter telling them about these issues? I believe this is what Markos did. He sent them a letter that was written with Prisca outlining the issues. He told them that unless they apologized for their disrespectful behavior and agreed to never let it happen again, they would have no contact with them whatsoever.

They eventually did apologize and I think their relationship has been restored.

I will be interested to see what Dr Harley says in your case, but I am pretty sure he encouraged Markos and Prisca to take this path.

In your case, I would write them a letter together telling them how hurt you were by their lack of support of your marriage during the affair. Ask for an apology. You could also insist that they respect your reasons for not visiting their town and tell them you would welcome them in your home if this was resolved.

That is how I would handle this.

This is why I think it would be a good idea to send them a letter together. If it was written together, you could convey your feelings about this.

To answer your first question, no. I never explained to them my perspective. And they never asked for it. Part of me just wanted to let it go. We decided about a year ago that we were not in a strong enough place in our R to tackle the issues with her folks so things basically got put on the back burner.

Now we are stronger and the issue is coming to a head.

I really like your approach. We have discussed this. However, we understand that this path is riddled with risks. We want our family reunited not alienated. We also clearly understand Dr. Harley's position on integrated marriages in which relationships outside the M typically don't work. Such is the case here.

There are more complex issues too. My Sister in Law was an enabler during the A and she has been totally cut from our lives. This has complicated things as well.


About 4 months ago, I called my MIL and apologized again. She unloaded on me for 40 minutes sharing her hurt feeling over the years that various things that have happened. I patiently listed understanding her perspective....never ONE time did she EVER ask about me or inquire to my experience.

Who does this??? I mean really...They certainly don't come off as caring about me 1%. I am sure they do deep inside but I am not a mind reader and can only judge things by our interactions and discussions.

This is the approach that Dr Harley and Joyce took with his dad and that Markos and Prisca took with his parents. The goal is to reunite the family and it was very effective because it removed the issues that caused the breach.

I don't understand this comment, though: "We also clearly understand Dr. Harley's position on integrated marriages in which relationships outside the M typically don't work."

Can you clarify what you mean?

Right. What I meant was that my interpretation is that mine and clearmind's relationships outside of the M must work FOR the M...not against it.

For example. Clearmind did not like a long-time friend of mine. She was very uncomfortable with this individual for her own reasons. I have since cut ties with this person.

In the case of her folks, the looming question is...Is it acceptable for her to have a relationship with her folks in which I am not involved at all? One in which they hold a lot of hostility and resentment against her husband?

I gotcha! You are absolutely right. Any relationships outside of the marriage would be subject to the POJA. For example, neither of you should have any relationships about which the other person is not enthusiastic. That is why it is so important to present a united front to her parents and insist that they change their behavior to make you both happy.

If her parents are mistreating you, and they are, then that needs to addressed by you both. If it is not resolved, they should be cut out of your lives. In this case, her parents are downright HARMFUL to your marriage. The marriage should be protected even if it is at the expense of the relationship with her parents.

I think the letter needs to come from clearmind. You can write it together, but it needs to be signed by her. She needs to be the one who takes a stand against their treatment of you.

Mel is correct that this is what Markos and I did when his parents were completely disrespectful of me. Dr. Harley recommends it, and had to stand up to his own father once who disrespected Joyce. It took about 2 years for Markos' parents to come around, but they did end up apologizing and we now have a lovely relationship.

thank you, Prisca!

I agree and understand how things occurred.

The difference here is that clearmind thinks this entire situation is 100% her fault. In your case, Marcos was coming from a different perspective, as the BS.

Should that matter? Probably not. Clearmind sees that her folks have made their own decisions that have contributed to where we are at today but has a hard time swallowing that because she feels so responsible...

She has said many times that 'this is all my fault. we would not have this problem if it wasn't for me'.

I understand her thinking...

No, it is not. It will continue to eat away at you, and you will eventually feel resentment for clearmind and not just her parents. It will drive a wedge between the two of you.

We tried that approach, too. I thought I needed to support Markos having a relationship with his parents that didn't involve me, but it was detrimental to our marriage. You can't sacrifice on this.

Agreed. But at the same time, difficult to do. You know? Her father is having heart problems too and my MIL is very worried about him as well. She is very upset that her daughter "can't" come up and thinks there should be "exceptions".

20year, if your in-laws are still presently hostile to you, then definitely I would suggest you stay away from them until they apologize and agree not to act that way any more. As described above, it would be great for clearmind to write a letter letting them know she won't tolerate them being disrespectful to her husband any more and that none of you guys will see them or talk to them again until they apologize and agree to not treat you this way any more.

I am curious - why are they so hostile toward you? What is their basic complaint? Do they feel that you have been neglectful of their daughter or abusive toward her? If so, I would think that this complaint should be addressed through the work you've been doing in Marriage Builders. Do they feel you are disrespectful toward them? If so, definitely stop that! To some extent I think their complaints need to be addressed - it would be helpful to have a good understanding here of exactly what is upsetting them.

Is he concerned enough that he's willing to stop being disrespectful to you?

Why do you have to be right? I know you are.

This is hard.

I would not keep apologizing for the past or even bringing up the past. The only hope for restoring the relationship is to agree together to be respectful in the future and to not punish each other for the mistakes of the past. They should not be apologized for endlessly.

You would like them and welcome them now if they were respectful to you, right?

Their disrespect for me was not over my EA.

There really is not much difference here that I can see. You have a set of parents that disrespect their child's spouse. This must stop. She needs to tell them that they must treat her husband differently, or they cannot have a relationship with either of you.

I'm glad you are writing Dr. Harley directly. If it were just that the parents supported the daughter's affair I'm not really sure what Dr. Harley would recommend as far as a continuing relationship with them. But it sounds to me like the main problem is they keep fighting with you. (And vice versa, up till recently. You've seen now though what a bad idea it is to have an angry outburst toward them. Don't keep apologizing for it, but take the lesson to heart: don't be demanding, disrespectful, or angry toward them.)

I think I would offer to meet them at some neutral location. Just send an invite: "Hey, how about we meet in Paluxy? At the such and such restaurant? And then go see ..." You can't demand they come to see you. And they can't demand you come to see them. They might reject other solutions, but it wouldn't hurt to offer options.

Thank you for chiming in. I was hoping you would!

Their complaints are that over the years they never thought I liked them and feel they were never welcome in our home. I adamantly disagree with that but have to respect their feelings.

Yes, 1 time I was very disrespectful to them. (the phone call I mentioned 8mo's ago) which I have subsequently apologized for numerous times. Besides that, I can't think of any other times I was disrespectful.

Something happened like 8 years ago in which their power went out and wanted to come to our home one day. There was a BIG misunderstanding which when explained, they just won't buy.

Honestly, Marcos, I always thought that they liked me. Through the years they had many nice things to say about how great of a father to their grandchildren I was and a loving husband to their daughter.

And YES, their complaints have been addressed. I mentioned the phone call 4 months ago in which she unloaded on me...I have apologized for things in the past and vowed to have a different future. They refuse to let the past go and KEEP bringing things up.

I am not reliving the past again with them in reference to their complaints about me. Period.
I have done it numerous times to the best of my abilities and refuse to 'go there' again.

I just don't get it...

Great insight. Thank you.

Yes, we HAVE offered to meet them quite a few times. Denied every. Single. Time.

It's like they are not going to budge until we go up there to talk. That ain't gonna happen right now and they refuse to accept it.

very frustrating.

Maybe you could help out Clearmind on her thread??