abccba,
Here are a few axioms to always remember when dealing with waywards-

1. Waywards lie, lie, lie
a. Never believe anything a wayward says, actions not words
b. Whatever the wayward admits to, it is 1 to 2 levels worse (i only kissed him = we were doing the nasty in the backseat)
c. waywards will re-write history (you see this already)
2. When the word slander comes up, the wayward or AP is very worried about anyone finding out about the adultery
3. Waywards are like an addict, and it will take time
4. Waywards will use counseling/coaching to justify the affair - get into a MB program
5. Waywards will make you feel like it is your fault
6. Waywards will demand privacy - which means i want to conduct my affair without your prying eyes

No angry outbursts, be calm and cool like James Bond. Never rattled.
Demand a polygraph, see if you can get it scheduled quickly before she meets with anyone else.

Study this site, most everything is on here on how to do exposure, letters, polygraph questions, how to plan A, plan B.

This is perfectly normal. Many wayward wives never show remorse and some take months. She is still very much in the fog and I would not expect that to change for several weeks.

In the meantime, I would do your best to find opportunities to be with her and do nice things for her. See if you can get her to go out with you. What you should not do is act apologetic for your exposure. That will backfire on you in a huge way. Anger over exposure is a sign of the FOG and as her fog wears off so will her anger.

Just hang in there and don't get discouraged.

Thanks for suggestions. We are going out and doing things and I am trying to be nice, its just tough when she is directing anger at me and yet she was the one who had the affair.

She is still angry because you wrecked her affair by exposing. You ruined any future plans she had with the OM. As long as she truly has cut off contact, her fog will dissipate.

But you MUST have a plan for marital recovery and be pushing that constantly or your marriage will not make it. It is not enough to just kill the affair, you have to fill the hole and heal the wound left by her affair. Otherwise, she will likely have another affair and your resentment will grow and grow.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?

Not yet, but will be downloading tomorrow (as we moved so quick taken time to get internet access).

Should I share the book with my wife or is it not worth it until she is out of the fog?

I would get a kindle copy for you and a paper copy. Hand her the paper copy and tell her that you do not want to live in an unhappy marriage and ask her if she would read this book and give you her thoughts.

When you get the paper copy, also get the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love. It has all the worksheets and exercises in it. I bet you can get both books for $25 here because the Harleys sell them dirt cheap.

thanks for the tips, will get the books.

Feeling a bit low today. Because my WS seems to have changed so much - angry, colder, nastier compared to the sweet kind woman I married, it makes me feel like I am trying to reconcile with someone I don't know anymore. Is this a common feeling and if so does it get better?

You are experiencing the normal feelings.
Remember it will be a rollercoaster, until she agrees in total, or you move into plan B.

You will not recognize your wife.

Thanks NebDane

Hi, I have just read surviving an affair and have a question. Should I get her to fill out the questions now? My worry is that because she is in the fog, she will throw every single thing at me, she already has verbally going back 7+ plus years! Some of these are being used to justify her affair in her own mind, others are things I do need to work on. What do people think?

Another question. In some of the advice on here it says to never say you decided to expose because you read it on the Internet. How does this fit with giving her the book "Surviving an affair" as this contains that information as well?

I wouldnt have her fill out the questions now.
The first step is NO CONTACT with OM.
I would demand that she writes a no contact letter to him and permanently ends the affair and commits to following the MB recovery plan.

Right now, the main part of the strategy is to ensure that you kill off the affair.

Read up on what else you need to do to be in a Solid Plan A. Do not commit any Love Busters. Do not get angry and have any Angry Outbursts. Turn yourself into a husband that only a fool would leave.

She will have great resentments about any advice and plan that required the necessary exposure at this point.

Stay calm. Don't pursue and don't ask how your doing. Just let your actions speak for you, even when the going gets tough. Actually, especially when it seems like she provokes you with a nasty comment. She will try to bait you to get angry to justify what she has done.

LTL

Hi, yes we have done the NC that and moved house. No contact in over 2 weeks. I have exposed to everyone I could confronted OM last week and told him to back off. My WS is furious at me, she is having to explain herself to all her family and friends. The OM has threatened me with violence when I confronted him and then with slander when I exposed him as he fears for his professional reputation, so think I am on the right track.

I suppose I am trying to figure out when I need to start rebuilding, I am trying to Plan A at the moment although it is really hard at times, as I don't like how my WS has changed.

Melody lane suggested giving her the book but want to be sure it's the right time?

Did you file a Police report against the OM?

LTL

I should have done but did not at the time.

Very rare for Melodylane to be wrong. Fool not to follow her advice.

When I wrote that advice, exposure was not written about in SAA. Dr Harley revised the book last year. Don't worry about it though.

I would get the book SAA and tell her you want to have a romantic, passionate marriage and this has the plan in it. Leave the book lying around.


I realize it is mostly fogbabble designed to justify the affair [very impressed that you caught that!!!] but you can just agree and say and "I am committed to stop doing anything that bothers you. I will do what it takes to make you happy." Don't argue with her.

For now, just focus on selling her the program, being as pleasant as possible and getting her out on dates. When you are out on dates, don't talk about the affair or anything unpleasant. Don't bring up the affair.

Never apologize for exposure is the rule.
You need to sound like a broken reocrd if she confronts you about it,"I want a strong and devoted relationship with my wife....
In Plan A you don't pursue, don't be weak, etc. Read up on it, there is a list of do's and don'ts. Many of the behaviors and actions are COUNTERINTUITIVE and will take practice and work.

Thanks MelodyLane will do as you suggest.