Ok I am going to lay out some of the history of my husband and me. Four years ago things started. We had an intense attraction and connection but decided to move very slowly as I was just getting out of a long term relationship. We started talking and even shared a kiss but we by no means together when I went on a 5 week long trip to Europe with my best friend. When I got back things started to get more serious between us and I wanted to pump te breaks and even told him that despite my feelings for him I needed more time for myself.
I was enjoying being free for the first time in a long time. I talked to guys, kissed guys in Europe, and went to bed with one. The whole time I really only wanted and cared about the man that is my husband but thought it was wise to experience this single time in my life.
I did not ever tell him I slept with someone when I was on my trip. I immediately regretted it and thought it would only haunt him to know. I didn't see it as his business or relevant to who I am or our relationship.
Well, the other day I left my facebook open and there was a message from one of my friends I met in Europe saying hi and catching up. The relationship is friendly and innocent although now I see my contact with someone he doesn't know to e hurtful. From going back in the messages he could see that me and this person kissed so that makes it even more hurtful and in a hypocrite because I would definitely be upset at this too. To add one more shameful detail, I deleted some messages between me and the friend because one time he wanted to know is like to meet up with him while he was in ny and I didn't want my husband to see and get the wrong idea and think I would have went to meet someone he didn't know. I see how this is wrong now but at the time I just thought I was protecting my husband who is prone to jealousy. My husband is the only man I want or even find attractive. I always trusted myself to be faithful to my husband but I see now that even my secrecy was hurtful and disrespectful.
To add more to the problem, my husband went through all my messages from that time period. He saw many conversations between me and other guys and discovered that I slept with or (although he is convinced I slept with the world).
He feels upset by all these things. He feels betrayed because he thought I was someone I'm not. He says that I made myself out to be a prude and the fact that I was a good girl was something he really like about me. Basically I he knew my past he's not sure if he would have married me. My image is tarnished in his eyes, he lost respect, and our relationship just doesn't seem as special to him. I now feel so bad for lying to him about my past bumecauee at the time I didn't know so much of what he wanted in someone was prudeness. I thought he loved me just for me. Anyway, we are now married we have a baby and he is haunted by everything he read. It's been a week of hell. I feel like our relationship is on the line. Any ideas of what I can do or what I can expect? I just want us to be happy again

Were you married at the time?

Here is Dr. Harley's recommendation for honesty in marriage:

The Policy of Radical Honesty

Note that historical honesty is included. It will strengthen your relationship for each of you to be totally honest about your past and let the other decide if they want to leave over it or not.

Dr. Harley has his clients fill out the Personal History Questionnaire to give each other a lot of historical honesty, and finds that it strengthens relationships.

One important principle in marriage is that husbands and wives should not punish each other for past mistakes. You need to respect your husband enough to let him decide what he wants to do, and he needs to decide whether he wants to stay married to you or not. If he does, he needs to not punish you for your past mistakes and the two of you need to build a marriage of transparency.

PandaRose,

Offer to tell him everything, absolutely everything, don't hold back partial truths are way more painful in the long run.

The fact that you did not reveal these details before you got married is relevant, because in his mind he might not have gone through with the marriage had he known.

God Bless
Gamma

As a general rule, Dr. Harley advises against any opposite sex friendships in marriage.
You should cut off these friendships and focus on boundaries.

Your Husband only discovered your secrets because you accidentally left you FB account open.

IF, you and he continue with FB, then you both should have each others passwords and login information.

Any OS friends need to be deleted and blocked.

A relationship is based on meeting each others most important emotional needs, without permitting Love Busters to occur.

The discovery of your secret life has eroded his trust. To rebuild this, since there seems to be no physical affair going on, Yet, you should learn about EP's, which are Extraordinary Precautions to prevent sliding down that slippery slope.

Allow him to ask you to reveal everything about your life prior to Marriage. Be open and completely honest without holding back. When he is satisfied he knows the whole truth, then the topic should not ever be brought back up again.

You have a great opportunity to rebuild your intimacy better than it has been before by following the MB principles.

Intimacy = Into-Me-See

Open yourself up.

LTL

So you are willing to stop doing anything that your husband is not enthusiastic about, right? Married people have to give each other a special umbrella of protection from themselves in order to make a marriage successful. They have to never do anything their spouse is not enthusiastic about, regardless of the reason.

Policy of Joint Agreement

I follow Dr. Harley's policy of radical honesty with my wife and the benefits are tremendous. She can find out for herself if I am meeting up with someone because she knows she is welcome to check up on me at any time. She's even welcome to check up on me secretly.

This is the only way she can possibly trust me.

She's got all my passwords to all my accounts anywhere. And she's welcome to take whatever measures are necessary to see if I have any other accounts or phones or whatever. If she feels the need to hire a PI, install spy software, bug me, or whatever - she is welcome to do it.

This is the only way she can possibly trust me.

[/quote]

Also, you are deceiving yourself and your H by calling this secret relationship "Innocent".

If it truly was, you would not have hidden it from him and then wind up deleting messages so he couldn't see the full context.

You are, or were already involved in at least an EA, Emotional Affair.

Will you take the proper steps to repair your Marriage and his trust, or try to sweep that under the rug.

One way builds up the marriage and the other way tears it down.

LTL

I agree. I don't think you are lying to us PR, more that you are lying to yourself.

Though I wouldn't call it an EA as that usually involves a mutual confession of romantic feelings or attraction - it is awfully close to the line.

Maintaing contact with old lovers, especially ones who still talk about the kisses many years later, is a huge ego boost. Pretty much anyone likes to be liked. Or to remember that old flutter.

It will help your case if you admit to this and to your charater flaws rather than constantly engaging in a cover up job. I'm sure your husband trusts you LESS not more when you say this was 'innocent' because it so clearly was not.

You also need to fess up to a tendency to be dishonest because it makes life easier for you and gives you the dishonest freedom to do what you like.

For instance if your husband were prone to be jealous, an easy way to reassure him is to NOT maintain contact with old boyfriends!! That would make anybody wonder! Lying about it just makes you untrustworthy.

Start building honesty by being honest and respecting his feelings, rather than trying to dodge around his feelings with lies. End these inappropriate friendships and make your life totally transparent to your H.

Does he have access to all you internet accounts and phone transactions?

Will you agree for him to install spyware on line?

Show him you are an open book.

Have you read this?
The Risk of Opposite-sex Friendships in Marriage

PandaRose,

Have you had the time yet to digest through all of the helpful insightful replies?

What do you now think and feel?

What are you willing to do about it?

Only you, yourself can be accountable for your choices you make next. We will try to help you see the bigger picture.

LTL

You start dating your future husband.

You tell him that you have to go slow.

Instead of using your future husband to move on with your life. You go on a 5 week vacation. Men do not want women they are dating to date others.

You knew this to be true. Yet you go on on your vacation. Where you proceed to hook up to varying degrees with as many men you wanted to.

Your BH, in his mind see's you having 5 weeks of wild monkey sex. While you played him as the Town Chump with the we must move slow line. You have crushed your BH's self esteem.
Why are you sorry now?

Why did you did not feel bad hooking for that 5 week vacation?

You need to get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley. That book will guide you through the steps to help your BH and you recover your marriage.