My thinking is so clouded up that I need others' opinion. My relationship with my spouse has been up and down like a roller coaster, but we managed to stay together for over 10 years. It is not the first time I found him involved with other women, not physically may be cause I did not have any evidence; but definitely over the phone and email. Every time I confronted him, he assured me that they were just friends, and the relationship ended fairly quickly. One time I confronted him regarding some female pics on his cell phone, he shrugged that off as an old friend. Even though I very much doubt it is just ordinary friend, I have no evidence and he denied any wrong doing. Fast forward, things came to light when he yelled to his so called ordinary friend over the cell phone in the bathroom. I checked his email, and kicked myself for being fooled that long. Long story short, he told me that the relationship ended because she was not up to his expectation. Actually, she chose someone else over him.
I suggested getting a divorce cause I can tell from his email to that other one that his heart is not here anymore. He does not agree to a divorce, though I suspect the main reason is because he cannot afford one. Right now, I am the one paying the mortgage, part of the household expenses and he pays the other part which are mostly his expenses. I take care of all the housework, and helping his business without pay all these years. I have been pumping my own money to his business to keep it up. Though it is arranged as a loan and I expect it to be repaid, I am not sure if it is going to happen.
I feel being so used that I hate this feeling myself. I really do not want to fake this marriage working. I am seriously considering if I should go ahead and file the divorce anyway. I need help.

You will get a lot of help with making the decision for divorcing if you first move your thread to the Surviving an Affair forum. Just click "Notify" at the bottom right of the posting box and ask a moderator to move your thread.

Do you have children with this man?

Your husband has very sloppy boundaries around other women. That's why he has affairs.

Have you exposed your husband's affairs? If you haven't yet, you should do a nuclear exposure to everyone you know. This will do two things: it will shine the light of day on his disgraceful thoughtless behavior, and you will get much-needed support.

Please read through the threads on this link. It's posted at the top of the SAA forum and has tons of helpful info Start Here

Whether you divorce or not is up to you. MB isn't about staying married to an uncaring spouse at all costs. It's about creating safe and passionate marriages.

Mui Mui,

I'm sorry for the reasons that brought you here.

Would you take a minute and answer the questions I asked in the previous post?

Hi, thanks for your reply. To answer your question:

No children, it was decided before marriage that we both do not want any.

Even though I have copied his emails and cell phone messages, I have not exposed any of them. That would be a last resort, and I cannot predict how he would react.

I hope to resolve the marriage in a mutual understanding way. We do not hold any asset jointly, except the house which will be the major problem in the divorce. I told him I would not take any of his stuff, but I do want to keep mine; he thinks he is entitled to it.

I have not mentioned anything to my side of family because I do not want them worry. I have not mentioned any to his side of family or friends cause I think they will be on his side.

He denied any wrongdoing when there isn't any physical contact. I believe mental and psychological infidelity count, or don't they?

Hello Mui Mui, did you read through the Start Here link that LongWayFromHome posted for you? That is the best place to start to understand all that you are dealing with. Read all of the links there, and you will have a much better understanding of how to fight this. Come back here and ask any questions that you have. Most of us have been through this ourselves.

Your husband is addicted to the thrill of having affairs. You are not going to be able to resolve in a mutual understand way, or reason with him and get him to stop having affairs.

Will your family not worry when they find out that you are divorced? If his side of the family and friends will be on "his side", are they marriage friendly? If they are not marriage friendly, then it really won't matter what they think, will it?

Yes you are right, both emotional and physical affairs are still infidelity.

Okay, well, having no children makes trying to save your marriage less logical. Many times, people with children are willing to go through the necessary steps to kill the affair and attempt recovery of the marriage.


He would be angry at the exposure. But that's okay. The marriage can survive his anger, but it will not survive ongoing affairs.


So you don't want to try and save your marriage? That's okay; Dr. Harley always stands on the side of the betrayed spouse who don't want to stay with an unfaithful spouse. If you want to start divorce proceedings, you ought to get a lawyer so you can get help with the legal distribution of the assets.


It's still a good idea to expose his affairs. Your parents will help you with much-needed emotional support. As a parent of a grown daughter, I would be very troubled and sad if my daughter didn't seek my support during one of the hardest times of her life. You may be very surprised at who will be supportive.

Please read this article by Dr. Harley on why exposure is so important When Should an Affair Be Exposed?


Yes, emotional affairs are every bit as damaging to the marriage is physical affairs. He should not have friends of the opposite sex.

Have you read through the threads at the top of the SAA forum? They are very helpful and will give you an idea of the plan that Dr. Harley has found to be the most successful. Even if you divorce your husband, MB will help YOU recover personally.