I don't expect her to be willing to work on the marriage right now, but you can plant the seeds, offer her an extended hand and work on priming the pump. You prime the pump by being the best husband possible. Be kind, pleasant, enjoyable without being a doormat. Look for every opportunity to take her out. If she loves shopping, then take her to a mall [no sulking!!] and out to a chick restaurant! You might not even enjoy doing that, but in Plan A, you can do that to prime the pump.

As she withdraws from the affair and gets over the sting of exposure, I expect her to draw to you. But it is a gradual process that takes a few weeks, so be patient.

What are her complaints about you?

Dr. Harley often advises to go on a vacation if at all possible...for like 2 weeks.
Can you do this?

It's a series of arguments and events through our relationship. Some I don't remember as they are so long ago, some are very petty and some are valid. The more serious ones include:

Not doing enough round the house, I did help but she did more than me but that's no longer true, I do as much as her. in my defence however I would do other stuff like cook, handle bills, sort out the renovation.

She felt i was controlling - we are renovating a house and there is a risk we will run out of money. The disagreement was over her buying clothes etc. I admit I could have handled this better and am working to be careful how I word things in the future.

The most recent ones were about me not caring about her feelings when I thought I was. She had car accident which left her very nervous about which car she drove, I said she could drive the one that made her feel safe and I would drive the other (which is also very safe and has a good safety rating but she doesn't like the way it feels). Anyway that wasn't good enough, she wanted me to drive a different car as well as she was worried for me driving " the unsafe feeling" car.

So a fair mix of things. When I confronted the OM (after we had moved away and she had sent the NC text) he accused me of kidnapping her and taking her phone off her, made me realise that the OM and my WS had made me this fantasy villain to justify their affair. My worry is that she still is holding on to this to stop herself feeling as guilty

That doesn't mean that I am doing nothing, I accept I have made mistakes and I am working hard to do plan A, just at the moment am feeling like. I am not making much progress. Early days. I suppose....

It will get worse before it gets better...
Have you read about the 3 Stages of Marriage?
If not, read that article by Dr. Harley.

Can you go on a vacation?

You are doing just fine! I wouldn't expect too much progress at this point. Just stick with it and keep that carrot out there. Take her complaints seriously. [except those about exposure, etc]

Hi JK,

Will have a read. As for vacation we have a holiday planned in Mid April. I could try and see if we can get away sooner, only concern is that she is so angry at the moment she won't want to go.

Dr. Harley says that he understands most couples don't want to go on vacation immediately following infidelity.
He explains that such a vacation does help "Prime the Pump" in making love bank deposits.
The problem is that you have a low love bank balance and you need to fill that with deposits, by spending at least 20 hours weekly together in Undivided Attention (UA) time.

That is another one of my concerns is that we aren't spending enough time with each other. She works shifts which means that I don't see her much during the week. Also this weekend she is blaming me for not being around as she has to meet with many of her friends to deal with trouble I have caused exposing her.

Something else I wanted to mention I spoke to her Mum after her mum had spoken to my WS about the affair. My WS had downplayed the affair totally saying it wasn't really an affair, nothing happened etc. I told her Mum the real picture but I expect she will try and do this with her friends - I am guessing tomorrow she will down play the affair and exaggerate the issues in our marriage to them.

Is this a problem I need to worry about?

Yes, it is a huge problem working opposite shifts. I would bring this up to her.

Don't worry about it. She will sound silly with all her minimizing and rationalizing. She is running on the defensive and most ppl will recognize that. If anyone comes to you and says it was just a "friendship" just tell them you have evidence of the affair and show them.

Another question. How do you do a good plan A with resentment building. I am struggling to find any affection for my WS whilst she is acting this way. Is it just a case of grin and bear it?

The goal here is to create a romantic marriage that will wipe out all of this ugliness. There is a purpose and a plan to all this. It is like quitting smoking. It is hell when you first start, but the rewards at the end more than make up for the unpleasantness it took to get there!n

I quit smoking in 1998 and it was holy unmitigated hell. But do I ever think about that anymore? No. Rather I think about the great health benefits I have received. When you are happy in the present, you don't tend to the think of the sadness of the past. That is what we are aiming for here!

Have you read this?
Four Rules to Guide Recovery from an Affair

Hi, have read the link thanks. Am also reading SAA.

another question - this past week we have been together as much as possible, however next week is different because of her shifts she is going to have 2 days on her own. Any advice on how to deal with this, my worry is that if there still is any temptation to contact the OM, this will give her the perfect oppourtunity?

Well that didn't go down well. Gave her the book, she said I should have asked her before getting it. Then she went balistic for me making the bathroom floor wet after a shower. We then spoke about things and she is of the opinion that we shouldn't have to work at the marriage, if we are right for each other then it should just work out, basically dismissing the idea of reading SAA. She said it hasn't been right for 3 years, doesn't believe I can change, thinks I am pretending and that you dont need to work at a marriage, if its right its right. Help!

I hope you immediately acknowledged her feelings. Something like this: "It must be incredibly annoying to walk into the bathroom and find that your socks are soaking wet. Let's sit down later and discuss ways in which we can avoid that happening again that work for both of us. It may be as simple as using a different bathmat but let's negotiate a solution."


This is the prevailing non-MB wisdom. We hear this all the time. But if you talk to anyone in a successful long term marriage, they will tell you that they work on it every day.

Giving her the book might feel disrespectful to her (educating your spouse is disrespectful as it implies you know more than him/her) but you can use the principles without referring to the book. Ultimately you will need to firmly say that either she becomes a buyer or you will move on but now is not that time.

Hi, yes I did acknowledge her feelings, she used the incident against me to prove I couldn't change. She has gone to see a friend who she nearly stayed with this week, I am fully expecting her to come back and move out. From her perspective she sees no chance for the relationship as once the feelings are gone then that's it, she doesn't believe I can change although I have been doing a good plan A up until today and the bathroom incident. She is also one to bury her feelings so she does not communicate well. All in all it feels like its a hopeless situation at the moment and one which will get evener tougher if she moves out.