My husband is very angry. I think it is the end result of a lot of events.

This is my second marriage, and his, too. We have been married for 3 years.

Please bear with me, there have been a lot of things going on and I feel overwhelmed.

He and his ex wife have 2 children. A girl, 11, and a boy, 6.

His ex is a difficult woman. High conflict person. A lot chaos happens. She has custody of the 2 children and relentlessly uses them to manipulate upsets. She would like my husband to go back to her and remarry, she states clearly that this is her intention, to bring him back "home".

My husband is very angry. He is soooo angry. He is becoming aggressive, embittered, mad at the world, bullying towards many people, including me. He feels his life has turned out horrible due to his ex, and he when he is not outwardly angry, he is depressed, easily upset into a rage.

I grew up in an extremely abusive enviroment. So frankly, this is scaring me a lot. If he feels I have provoked him, he turns it on me. I do believe he is trying to control his anger, but I can feel it. His reactions to me become intimidating. He threatens me ( he threatens to do things if he is angry and I don't go away or shut up if I am trying to talk to him)

I do try to talk to him. He stays calm if it is kept "nice" for him, but if I want to sit down and talk about something, he stonewalls, gives me silent treatment, walks off, disappears, mocks me if I become upset. Very disrespectful.

Essentially, he has often stated that he is angry at me, he wants me out of his sight, he does not WANT to talk to me. He starts telling me that he will leave me if I don't just shut up. If I show any upset from this, he will leave the house.

I realize he feels deeply impacted by his ex. He was an abused husband ( physically attacked) while married to her. He has become increasingly anxious, easily upset, raging...

Yesterday, in a fit of rage at me, he said if you don't shut up I am going to leave you just like your son did and never speak to you again. Then he walked out of the house and has not been back.

In reference to my son, I lost him last summer. He was 20 years old. My son suffered from adhd, depression, tourettes, and eventually he just lost himself, and I lost him. It devastated me. When angry at me since then, my husband, will say to me that I drove my son to his end, and just "like your son" I am leaving you, or some such variation. I know my husband is so angry he is saying the worst things he can to me, and somewhere in there he feels that this is true.

But, the grief I already feel is badly compounded by these kinds of statements, and between my fear from the intimidation, I sometimes crack and tell him how terrible he is.

I do understand that probably I am handling some things on my side of the street badly. My husband blames me for his anger, the conflicts. I know he does realize it is really him, and his background of being abused by his ex, and the ongoing problems there. I try to explain why I feel so upset, he is on me about having outbursts.

I don't actually feel I am the source of his anger. I think it is often triggered into the open by me. I fail to see the signs of when it has reached a point of where I need to simply step out of the situation. I am learning to. I have gotton a counselor and she is helping me on some things.

With him? He defaults to going off by himself and hiding or going over to see the children. I am not comfortable with his self soothing involving his ex and the kids, but I may be wrong.

Please advise me, ask any questions you like so I can clarify.

Hi Belle, welcome to Marriage Builders. Can you clarify a few things.

When you say you "lost" your son, did he die? Or did he just leave?

Did your relationship with him start as an affair? How did each of your marriages end? Do you have any children?

We do not have any shared children.
He was divorced for a year before I met him. We courted a year, then married.

My son committed suicide.

My prior marriage ended badly. My ex husband did not want a divorce, so it was very bitter and conflictive end. I raised my son. When I remarried, my son went back and forth between his father and I as we all felt was needed, parentally.

My husband's divorce.. it seems it was more that he fled the marriage. He divorced, allowed his ex wife to have full custody because the conflict had been so high. I think he has PTSD or something. He wants to renegotiate the custody now, but his ex and her family get really nasty, the children are in the middle of it, so my husband backs off. To see the children, he has to go THERE and I am not allowed to go, too. And honestly, if it was a calm situation, I would gladly join in, but his ex wife won't have it.

Belle, I am so very sorry about your son. Your husband's comments are beyond cruel and Dr Harley would probably encourage you to separate from him.

There are 2 huge problems here. The first and most urgent is his anger. Nothing can ever be resolved until he gets that under control.

The second is his continued association with his x-wife. That is an affair waiting to happen. Sure, their relationship ended badly, but they were once in love and those feelings can easily be resurrected. And often ARE. It would be in everyone's best interest for him to cut off ALL contact with her and communicate only through an intermediary. But that problem cannot be resolved as long as he has no control over his anger.

Please go read through this thread and listen to ALL the radio clips in the thread. There are many sprinkled all the way to the end. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...flat&Number=2787915&#Post2787915

His wife does not have the power or authority to prevent you from seeing his kids. He can go there with you, pick up the kids and take them out to dinner, shopping, etc.

What is their custody agreement?

She has full custody. He let it all go to her. That is one of the main problems. He just checked out during the divorce. He pays child support and let her have 100% custody.

She won't let him take the kids anywhere without her going along. If he tries, a massive drama ensues. He wants to go back to court, but he freaks at the very idea of MORE conflict. I try to support and encourage him, but he won't do anything right now.

His ex hates his mother, so even grandmother hasn't seen the children for nearly 2 years.

I am actually afraid of his ex managing to reignite romance. Really, it scares me. He knows how badly she wants him back and I express anxiety to him. He just snorts and says everything she does and says annoy him and he is NOT going there. Somehow I am still scared of it and I find myself being very afraid when he is over there.

I will listen to the clips right now, thanks!

Will add that yesterday the conflict actually started Friday and built up. He became angry enough on Friday to break something, (coffee cup) then was angry on Saturday. Decided to go see the children, and there had been a recent insult at me from his ex. So when he decided to leave, I protested and express that I was unhappy about the prior day's breaking of something, and that I was feeling very anxious about his ex.I didn't want him to go.

He told me to stop harrassing him and if I said one more word, he would leave me forever just like my son. Then he left. He removed as a contact on skype on cell phone, and has refused to answer my telephone calls. I will admit I became very upset and persisted calling for a while. I was upset enough to try and call his ex. She answered and mocked me, then hung up on me. Bad move I did, I felt even worse. After that I removed myself from the house and went to see my mother. That was helpful to break that momentum. I haven't heard from my husband since. I looked on facebook, and he has unfriended me. So I just give up. Usually he calms down after a few days if I say nothing more.

Your situation is a disaster and I would strongly advise separating for now. You can communicate through email with him about ways to resolve this problem, but as long as he has no control over his anger, he is a dangerous person to you. It is better to separate and let things calm down.

Then we can help you negotiate some conditions for return that would make a happy marriage possible.

I am sad to say that most of our conflicts come from me asking to discuss something, and him refusing to. Listening to these clips, this situation is directly addressed.

I ask to talk about a problem, typically he refuses outright unless I tell him I would like to and ask when he would have time. That is with nearly everything. We often agree to a later time, then as the time comes, he begins to show irritations ( maybe anxiety) and that ramps up and he then refuses discussion. Repeatedly. Eventually I feel very frustrated and confront him. And I AM confrontive. It just feels like the explosion that I was trying to avoid in the beginning was just repeatedly put off until in the end, it happens anyway. During this time frame, I build up to be demanding and having an outburst at the end. We offend each other and he walks out on me.

I have seen this dynamic, and have been working with my therapist on it. My husband sees the therapy as an admission that I am to blame for pushing him over the edge and that I need "help". He has said to me "can't you just not say anything until after you have therapy and are better?"

That hurts.

Anyway, yes, of course, we can take a break and discuss what to do through email. I have to be careful there, too. Anything more than a short paragraph at one time, leads to him raging and refusing a response. He hates long emails and finds them tedious to read.

I hate long emails too so I can understand how he feels. They are so unproductive, IMO. I would write him what we call a "Plan A letter" outlining a path to a happy marriage. You have to have a plan or you will get nowhere.

What is necessary to create a happy marriage would be to follow the plan in this article: How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

HOWEVER, that can not be done until he goes through some type of anger management training designed to help him control his anger. Your problems will be impossible to resolve until his anger problem is addressed. The first 5 chapters of Dr Harley's book, Lovebusters, addresses this problem so I would ask him to read that.

Your husband views a complaint in marriage as an irritation and that is a sign of a bad marriage. A complaint is an opportunity for improvement in a good marriage. Complaining in Marriage

Plan A letter coming next....

Dear Husband,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that has made our marriage so unhappy. I know that my demands have made you unhappy and I am committed to change.

I want us to have a happy fulfilling marriage but I do not believe that can happen until you address and resolve your angry outbursts. It causes me immense stress when my complaints are not addressed or they are addressed with anger.

The situation with your ex-wife has caused me enormous pain and suffering. I am asking that you cut off all contact with your ex-wife and get visitation rights with your children that can include me. It concerns me terribly when you go to her home and I cannot continue to live like that.

In the meantime, I don't feel safe living together under these circumstances and would like to separate. If you would resolve your anger, resolve the visitation issue to my satisfaction and go through a marriage recovery program, I would consider reconciliation. Until that happens, I will have to separate from you and maintain contact via email and phone calls.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

All my love,

Ok,I read those. I will send the letter through email. He will not likely respond for a few days. My sister in law informed me that he is safe at his brother's house now.

My husband's birthday is on Tuesday. Never once have I missed being there for him on his birthday. To say happy birthday, celebrate.

What do I do with that now?
I feel so discarded right now. I want to do as I usually do, but I keep hearing him say that about my son, and his walk out. At the same time, I don't want to dismiss his birthday.

Should I stay quiet on it or what?

Thank you Melody for coming and helping me. I am so grateful for it.

Why not send him the letter telling him about the separation today.

For his birthday, you could drop off a nice birthday card and a gift at his brothers. Can you do that without seeing him in person?

I can do that without seeing him. My sister in law is very supportive and would help me out with that.

Sent the letter.

Good job! In the meantime, can you get your hands on this book: Lovebusters? It will explain many of the problems you are having. It addresses his angry outbursts and gives you guidelines on how to resolve lovebusters. You can read it first and then help him resolve his problems. You should develop a no tolerance policy for his anger. If he does this to you again, then end the conversation immediately.

The next book would be His Needs, Her Needs and the workbook, Five Steps to Romantic Love. That will give you a plan for putting everything back together again.

You will also find the daily radio show to be immensely helpful. I would listen to that every day. The radio show is live every day at noon and then replays for 24 hours until the next show. It is free and you can get free advice for your problem if you write them an email. [they will send you a free book too if they address your problem on the radio - it is all anonymous] http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

You need to protect yourself from AO's until he has enrolled in Anger Management. He may want a silent wife who never wants to discuss anything, but to use your son's tragic death as a stick to beat you with is only going to hurt you and help no one. If he's also breaking cups he is clinically insane while angry. Stick to a separation until there is a safe and respectful plan for the marriage.

I'd make sure you don�t communicate with him directly until he has learned how to do so safely.

The threat of 'leaving' usually only lasts a few days and is a transparently a method of controlling you. Plus you don't stand to lose anything but an angry husband who is at risk of having an affair, anyway. You have nothing to lose by taking control of his threats with a separation. He will probably try to step up his threats a gear in response but stay aloof and remember you have nothing to lose by demanding safety and respect.

One thing you must not do with angry people is give in. It only validates their method as something which works.

I also encourage you to read up on Lovebusters while separated.

He responded to the email with a video from some online site. I don't know the rules for linking things like that. The video is a little routine from a dance group, and shows a women chasing after a man and throwing herself into his arms repeatedly, hanging on as he walks away from her. She is dragged on the ground, and every time, he flings her off of him onto the ground, and continues walking away.

This is from a man who a few days ago was planning an international trip for us in May at a resort city, telling me to come to him and ask when I want love and support. He was clearly triggered off into this anger by my getting anxious at him because I believed he was ignoring me. The fact is, he has done such ignoring literally hundreds of times.

What am I supposed to think about the video except the obvious. I am unwanted.

Often during times of trying to discuss with him, he will link insulting videos to me, playing me off as out of control, looking stupid,mocking me in some way. Every time, I feel humiliated, angry, I don't expect it. I get very upset. Lately I tell him, stop doing that, I feel disrespected and it is not helping.

I don't want to give him a birthday present now. It's like giving it to him is just like I am that poor lady in that video.

I have been reading the lovebusters information on this site. I ordered the book from Amazon. It should be here in a few days.

I am not sure what giving in to the threat was, he wanted me to shut up. Since I didn't he left and has not been back. What should I have actually done when he said that to me. I felt as the time, that using my son against me warranted a rebuttal that him doing that was unacceptable. When I told him that, he walked out.

If he had said, honey, let's take a time out, I would have said "ok". And let it be. Sometimes we can do that, it's been successful. Instead this, then I get punished and told I made it happen.

He does this "leaving" thing all the time. The more I try to get him to re-engage, the long he goes on. He refuses to respond.

Should I just ignore the video, give him his birthday gift tomorrow and go silent and wait?

Please contact the moderators about multiple aliases. Thank you

aka Atlanta14

Yes, just as you planned. The video was an angry little toddler tantrum worthy only of being ignored. I'd also get an intermediary so he cant play these little mind games on you any more. Or insult you. You need to secure yourself away from this abuse.

An intermediary is someone neutral who will act as a 'spam filter' until he will agree to be a safer person and follow a recovery path and a basic guidleine of respect.

That is, if you want to save the marriage. I wouldn't want to save this as there aren't even children of the marriage. Sending you that video is an utter disgrace.