As Melody said-

WAKE UP and BE A MAN!!! Adultery is wrong, not what you did. Let that sink into your brain. Read it over and over.

If she is worried about being judged then she needs to OWN up to HER mistake and go to all those people and ask for forgiveness, also she could ask them to hold her accountable in the future.
People will forgive if she displays remorse and asks for forgiveness, but if she continues with wayward blame game then she is stuck where she is. She makes the choice, you cant control her.
You control yourself with the following-
Continue to do plan A, read up on the dos and donts
don't fall for any arguements or fights
be calm and cool, no anger from you, just pleasant
DO NOT BELIEVE or LISTEN TO A THING SHE SAYS (she is in the fog/affair, lies, lies, lies)

If you apologize for exposure, you will be handing your wife a bullet to use against you. Instead of leading her out of the darkness, you will be validating her fog.

Anger over exposure is the result of the FOG! Don't validate the fog!!

We did talk and cry. It felt like the first serious conversation in a long time where we really connected. She was out of the withdrawal state! I followed the advice to stop apologizing for the exposure.

We are sleeping in separate bedrooms. We haven't kissed or hugged much. I think she is still withdrawn but I have pulled her out a couple times. She even admitted that all my attempts since Nov have failed because she had a wall up since then and was just waiting for me to agree to the divorce.

I am all in for Plan A as I have been for awhile. I will attempt to make deposits for all the emotional needs that she will let me meet. I will avoid making withdrawals (exposure drained the bank).

I think OM1 has temporarily stopped contact. I have not yet asked for a NC letter because I don't want to place too many demands. I did ask that she throw out an object that reminded me of OM1 and she refused because of expense ($60) and she bought it before OM1. I told her knowing the object is in our house will remind me of OM1 which causes me pain. I started with the object because I thought it would be easier than NC.

She knows I am going to see a therapist and she is thinking about it too. When I asked her about us doing something like a workbook, she was hesitant. She still claims she is not sure about the marriage (back to withdrawal state).

I have printed out copies of the MB questionnaires and was thinking of sitting down with her tomorrow night to read Memorandum and emotional needs. It is a difficult balance because at the same time I don't want to make it a selfish demand. I have been careful to not place any threat or condition on these requests. While I would love to sign up today for the full course, I think even investing in the books without her agreement would violate POJA.

Any advice regarding how to suggest the MB program?

Exposure did not drain the bank. You cannot be apologetic for trying to save your marriage! You're breaking her out of addictive thinking. Yes, it's hard and she will do anything she can to turn the tables on you.

You need stick with your plan a. You need to tell her right now what it will take to keep YOU in the marriage. Be firm, be kind but don't be all sad for her because she's embarrassed by her own brazenly bad behavior.

I would not push worksheets right now. Instead, get the no contact letter. She has to quit her job and agree to EPs (extraordinary precautions). This is where the focus needs to be. You won't make much headway until the affair is dead and you've got EPs in place. Don't push too hard to 'work on the marriage' in fact, talking about it incessantly can also cause withdrawals.

Be nice to her, cook her her favorite meal and insist on EPs. You have to be strong here because she is a mess and cannot lead your family out of this ditch.

You should tell her that you too are unsure about the marriage and need to see her make changes for you to be willing to stay! Do not be so desperate to save this that you do a half-a$$ed job during this moment in time where you have a chance to do things the right way!!

Women like their men to be strong. You don't need to kiss up to her to get her to love you again. Be nice, meet some needs BUT be strong about what you need to stay married!! I respect my husband when he calmly and firmly asserts himself when I'm being unreasonable. Women like that and she needs it right now because she is really lost in the fog.

Do not even have a hint of begging, or sucking up. She will not fall in love with that. And her bank was already empty before exposure. She was just being kind of nice to try and ease out of the marriage without too much drama. She was trying to snow you.

If you aren't firm now and you limp into some sad form of recovery, prepare yourself for overwhelming resentment down the road. You're so happy to have a chance with her that you haven't even gotten to the stage where you feel disgust, anger and terrible disappointment that she could have behaved so carelessly with your feelings. It's coming and if you don't get things set up right now, it will be much, much worse.

Also, do not get her into counseling. It will be endless laments about what a crappy partner you are and how she just couldn't help falling in love with scumbag. The last thing you need right now is some dumb counselor validating her fog. I am a counselor and I can't tell you how much bad advice I gave to waywards before discovering MB. You simply can't take a risk on this.

I really hope you're listening and understanding the advice here.

You are doing a little better and are starting to see the benefits of exposure. Exposure shines the light on the affair and brings things to a head. It is the most powerful weapon in the recovery of a marriage.

But you are still making strategic mistakes. It you don't DEMAND that she end contact with the OM and follow through, your exposure will be a waste. She will need to end all contact and you should not rest until that happens.


Now is not the time to go timid if you want to save your marriage. You need to drive the deal home if you want to recover.

What are you seeing a therapist about?

I am seeing a therapist because the stress of exposure caused me great anxiety. I needed medication. I am committed to MB so I will verify they support MB. Normally I am always calm and assertive and I am trying to get back there so I can save this marriage.

I am concerned about my wife in therapy but talking to someone is better than trying to work out issues alone. The death of her father was very rough on her.

I am all in for plan A but she is still withdrawn most of the time. I will stop the begging and stop the smothering which were caused by anxiety. My focus is admiration, affection, recreation, conversation.

The problem I have with demanding the job change now is that the job is very important to her and it is her safety net if divorce. She claims to not be sure she wants to save marriage so I don't know how to demand her to trust I can be the husband she wants. I can demand NC but without job change that won't happen.

I really feel I need to show her I can meet emotional needs once she is ready. Once she sees that I can be the husband she needs, then I could make demand to change job.

Can I really demand job change if she isn't sure she is committed to marriage?

Yes, you should. And it needs to be done NOW. She will not take you seriously if you don't take this seriously. While she may not agree to some of these elements NOW, she will in the future, so you need to make it clear that leaving the job and ending contact with the OM is an absolute necessity.

Your marriage has no hope unless she leaves that job. And even if you do get divorced, do you want her to stay with the OM? Because that is what will happen is she stays at that job.


She won't be "ready" UNLESS AND UNTIL she leaves the job and ends all contact with the OM. Her lovebank will be closed to you until that happens.

If you won't take the advice here, I give this very little hope. You don't understand the dynamics of an affair and as such, are making strategic mistakes.

She will NEVER be out of withdrawal if she works with the OM. Recovery is impossible. It is like expecting a falling down drunk to magically sober up when he still drinks every day and goes to the bar.

How did you expect your wife to withdraw when she works with the OM?

Keeping a "safety net" means she isn't committed to recovery. She is keeping her options open....the opposite of commitment.

She isn't safe for you if she comes home with an exit plan in her pocket.

Her safety net is a plan for breaking your heart.....again!

It's not going to be kissy or huggy.

She is not going to give one about how you feel

Above all it is not going to be 'easy'.

Nevertheless you have to demand this stops. It is an addiction and any pussyfooting will keep it alive.

What you do is you say 'end it for good' and keep asking until it gets done.

Not for one moment do you behave like her affir is ok. Or her keeping triggers is ok. If an item offends you, toss it out yourself.

This is even more important for men because women do not love doormats.

This is ridiculous. Expecting sobriety when they keep drinking.

That job is her safety net to continue her foggy brain thinking and affair with OM and set herself up to divorce you. She's demonstrated she can't be faithful to you there.

Why do you want her to have that kind of safety net?

Your marriage can be her safe place, if she has NC with OM and works with you to build a fabulous marriage and frankly, she can find another job. People do it all the time! Tell her you will financially support her if she has NC, leaving that job.

Tell her you insist on NC, she has to leave that job and that as soon as she does, you are committed to building a wonderful, romantic marriage with her where both your needs are met and your son has the support of both his parents.

Thanks for the frank talk!

I know she is absolutely not committed to the marriage yet. That is what I am trying to figure out how to get her there. She is not sure romantic love can be restored between us. She found that with OM. Can plan A work at all if she is on the fence? Sounds like plan A can only work if NC is in place. That one has to come before the other can work.

My plan for tonight is to have another talk. No begging, pleading, or talk of past. I will tell her what I want for our future which should pull her into conflict, then tell her I have my doubts, and what I need. I will insist in NC and quit job. I will commit to being her safety net. We don't need the income so she could finish her degree, volunteer, or be stay at home mom. This is radical/extreme for me because this is a leap of faith. I know she could throw this back at me because I encouraged her to work when she thought about staying home.

Please pray for us!

Good man!! Just let her know, in no uncertain terms, that this will lead to DIVORCE if she doesn't quit her job and end all contact with the OM. You might have "encouraged" her to work there, but you never encouraged her to have an affair.

Plan A means you do everything to bust up the affair while telling her you would be willing to meet her needs in the future if she ends her affair.

Just be prepared to cause as much hell in the affair until she leaves. That means continued exposures, face to faces with the OM, anything you can think of to wreak havoc in the affair.

And don't be afraid of conflict or of making her angry. Your marriage can survive her temporary anger; it cannot survive an ongoing affair. The goal here is to save your marriage; NOT TO AVOID HER ANGER AT ALL COST. Many men are so scared of making their wives mad that it impedes their ability to save their marriages. Please don't let that happen to you.

Refresh my memory, did you expose the affair to the HR department at her workplace?

Plan A is all fence. Plan A is used when the WS refuses to get on board with recovery. Dr H says it can take up to six months for a man to woo an addicted-to-two-lovers WW off the fence. Even then it can take another year and a half of Plan B to really put the death knell to the A. Only 95 pc of affairs last two years under these circumstances.

So you need to be ready for some long haul. And you need to get tough now with your conditions because you will need to say over and over again for months that you will not accept crumbs.

I know this is not good news and no one would blame you for pulling the D gun. However if you're game, I would give her the list of conditions not yet fulfilled and say you require these things if you are to remain in the marriage to prevent the pain of another affair. That you want a romantic integrated marriage and will not accept less. If she talks about divorce just simply state you will only talk marriage, you do not talk divorce and these are your conditions, take them or leave them. Then I would make a nice dinner or something.

Tell her this will lead to divorce if she doesn't quit her job and end all contact with the OM. Divorce should be the subject of your conversation:

From the new book by Dr. Harley Effective Marriage Counseling pg 94:

"Granted, there are situations when demands may be necessary in marriage. During a spouse's affair, for example, I recommend that the betrayed spouse demand there be no contact with the lover. If there is continued contact, separation or even divorce would be the logical consequence. While normally demands don't work, in this case there are no reasonable alternatives because thoughtful requests are even less likely to separate lovers."

If she will not do those things, then divorce would be the definition of success in your case.