My partner and i had been on off for 2 years and in October 2012 decided to give it a good go and stop splitting up and to have our own family.
I had been previously unsure on whether to give my all to this man as from his own admission had cheated on every girlfriend he has ever had and that fact scared me but after our heart to heart about loving each other so much and making future plans for us as a couple and family comforted me in thinking we both wanted the same thing in life.
I fell pregnant a month later and throughout the following year i was in my element, absolutely content in my relationship. Over joyed to be having a baby together and so happy to be making our family complete.
Then in December 2013 5 months after our baby was born i discovered my partner was having an ongoing affair with his ex partner throughout my pregnancy. She fessed up to everything and gave examples of everytime they saw one another and the fact she knew he was with me i was pregnant and after asking him, "i know shes pregnant, whats going on" he replies "never say never", so making her think they could be together.
My whole world came crashing in, the life i had been living and had been so happy with turned out to be a complete lie.
I was devastated and disgusted that not only had he been cheating but during the time i was most vulnerable, when i needed him the most.
After just a week of thinking that was it, our relationship was over he begged and pleaded me to forgive him and give us another try.
I weakened to his plea and feel a bit foolish to be even giving it another go.
However much he assures me he had made the biggest mistake of his life and that he will never do it again, i dont see myself ever believing it.
I do want us to work but I cant seem to get it out of my mind, i torture myself daily with what i know and make scenarios up to what i probably do not know.
I have never felt such pain and it worries me that i will look back in years to come and i'm proven right that yet again he has strayed and i have wasted more of my life with someone who can never be faithful.
During the week that we were seperated i contacted my ex and we met and had sex, since getting back with my partner and seeking professional help from couple counselling i have seen this guy again on another few occasions.
I know it is wrong but from the pain my partner has put me through i feel seeing this other guy reduces the agony i feel about my spouses affair.
I dont want a relationship with this other guy and do want a future with my partner but because of all the thoughts and upset about my spouses affair are so fresh and plague me daily, it feels like being secretive and deceitful myself is making it easier for me to cope with my emotions about his affair.
maybe it is because it is easy to do and i have no intention of having a relationship with my ex, it seems to put me at ease about how easy it was for my spouse to cheat.
I know tit for tat is bad, two wrongs dont make a right but where do i go from here?
Do i fess up?
I dont want my partner to find out and then go back to his cheating ways because i have now.
Maybe in the back of my mind i have done this to hurt him back, even without his knowledge of my cheating?
I am worried that if he knows there really is no chance of us working?
I dont know from here what i should do and how i learn to forgive and forget his affair without me having to cheat and hurt him behind his back.
Have i messed things up more then they already are?

Hi Sam, welcome to Marriage Builders. What is the reason you have never married him?

Welcome to MB, Sam. I am sorry to hear about these events.

Are you legally married to the man you call your "partner"?

Sam, welcome to MB! I wish I had gotten here when my oldest was two. It would have given me enough time to get my beliefs and actions straight, create a stable family from way back then, so then when the hard times come my kids would have had a strong stable family to lean on. I am so glad that you're here. I know the questions that the folks here ask you will be tough and really make you think and expect more for yourself and your baby then you ever have before. But they have the same goal as you, to create a stable family to raise your baby in. And they have generations of success with this. You and your baby deserve the time and effort to get this right, and then when the storms of life come you will be on strong footing.

(((Hugs))) You can do this!

Hi all and thank you for the welcome to this site.

I am not married to my partner as of yet.

I have only recently divorced my ex husband who i have 3 beautiful boys by.
I met my ex husband when i was 17 and married him, we had 3 children together but the relationship was very volatile and bringing the boys up in that environment was no good for them, i tried to make the marriage work, i suffered for years but the domestic violence got worse and worse and eventually enough was enough and i had to flea and take the children to a safe place and started a fresh in a new area.
After almost 10 years the last thing i wanted was to have a failed marriage but there was no other option and it wasnt fair on anyone to live like that.
my ex husband and i have an amicable relationship now after being seperated for 5 years. For the childrens sake it is not good to constantly be at war with one another.
Since him i had a couple of short term relationships in which my children were unaware of and then came my current partner.

I had my doubts with him due to his past relationships but 2 years of on/off on/off we both decided to stop the messing around and to really commit to each other and unite our family by having a child together.
We both spoke about what we wanted, marriage, more children and basically growing old together but it seemed i was the one who was sincere in what i wanted and he just told me what i wanted to hear to keep me.
He had his cake and ate it!
He now claims that he too was sincere in how he felt about us and our future but its just heartbreaking that i was alone in my happiness and he was fulfilling his elsewhere.

Who is the ex you have been seeing, is it the boys' father?

No he is someone i was with in between my current boyfriend, during our split.

Whew you had me scared there for a moment!

No theres nothing to worry about with regards to the boys father, him and I could never be intimate with one another.
We are only amicable for the sake of the children. x

So Sam, what do you want to do now? It's going to be hard to build trust again, usually a person puts their best foot forward in a new relationship. How would you ever know he's being faithful? How would he know the next time he slips you're not going to seek comfort with another man?

I think you should start nicknaming him 'never say ever' instead of his catchphrase never say never! He is the epitome of non commital promises. Not only does he not marry his ladies but he casually agrees to having children just to get them to be quiet about commitment.

Commitment = marriage. Not talking about marriage. Any horny fool can do that, but doing it.

Instead of leaving him for someone better, you've got a side line going with another man who also didn't make the cut. Are you hoping two half-good-enoughs will make a whole one?

Added to which you have an 'amicable' relationship with a violent man who for some crazy reason has unrestricted access to your kids by virtue of being a sperm donor. He should be prosecuted, not pandered to 'for the children'. He can be a dad when he has paid his debt and completed anger management.

You can find a proper caring relationship worthy of a marital commitment IF you look and don't backtrack to mistakes. If you finish with a guy, or he commits a deal breaker like cheating, or he is an obvious player, leave him in the ex pile and move on to a more viable candidate.

I do hope the sexual liasons with the ex and overnights with the player boyfriend have not been done near your kids. It sounds like he is living with you which is something your kids shouldn't have to put up.

Why should they have to put up with an adult in their home who is sleeping with their mother and doesn't want to marry her? Who is cheating on her?

You can do better than this. You could hardly do worse.