I would encourage you to be Joe Cool/James Bond tonight.

The goal is for her to see a better option staying with her H. Right? How are you going to accomplish this?

First by not displaying ANY of the characteristics that she finds unattractive which lead to her falling out of love with you.

Second, is to be the most awesome person that you are which made her fall in love with you in the first place. How about some good quality time with her tonight that is free from relationship talk for awhile? If you can find a way to laugh a little and get her to feel good about YOU tonight..that would be a great start to have her feel GOOD about you.

You want to make it perfectly clear what you would like to see from her at this time. No contact is a must. You don't want to be perceived as a door mat. Not woman will respect that.
Try to be as calm as possible regardless as to how she acts. Don't want to get sucked up into any drama if she starts it!

Tell her what you want, what you don't want and what the future will be like if/when she decides to come back!

It worked for me.

Remember it took a long time for her to fall out of love with you. It will take time for her feelings for this other POSOM to die and then come back for you. It is a long process.

Do not be a door mat. You have to be Strong.

When you are with her tonight, remember there were reasons she looked outside the M. No excuses but reasons.

You have to SHOW her that if she comes back to the M things will be different! You will be different.

This point is huge. My FWW has said this several times.

At the same time, she is in the Fog. You know this. Keeping focused now is going to be hard for you because she will not do and say what you want her to do.

Be in control of yourself. That is all you can do.

Sorry FT, ML is quite right to amend my advice. I should clarify that I meant you should not join in any of HER discussions of divorce. Her goal will be to talk about her divorcing you and to get you involved in a potential 'buddy divorce' where you continue to provide affection, and cash while she tries things out or 'has space to think' with the OM.

She should of course know that unacceptable behaviour and failing to end this affair on her part will lead to you divorcing her. And that it will not be a buddy divorce.

Quite a lot rests on your ability to stand tall and not be phased by her threats now.

Thanks for all the advice. We are now in for the long journey.

We talked last night. She refused to quit her job (safety net) before I even asked the question but I gave her something unexpected to think about. I said we needed something radical and a leap of faith to repair our marriage. I suggested that she not only quit her job because I don't want her at her current employer but volunteer with special needs. This is something she has expressed interest in the past but I was never willing to take the leap of faith. I am going to crunch numbers and prove to her we could do that. We need to trust God, learn to trust each other, and give back to others.

I know not to completely trust everything she says. May need to trust but verify. We are working on ways to be accountable for time. The fog is still there and will likely remain until we do something radical and take a leap of faith.

I am committed to Plan A. I am prepared for this to be a long journey.

Have you exposed to HR?

That is something you really need to do if not. If so, who did you expose to?



Dont trust ANYthing she says!

There is no 'We' in Plan A. There is the addict (her) doing everything to keep it going and you running around and doing everything you can to cut off her supply so she can sober up.

YOU need to check where she is and what she is doing. She cannot be trusted at all!

I did not expose to HR because that would make no difference once I figured out the politics. The owner is in long term affair with another coworker too. OM1 and OM2 are both very close friends of owner that go way back.

I exposed WW to our friends and our family. I exposed OM1 to his family and BS. I exposed OM2 to BS.

My plan is to continue trust but verify. I will watch a couple days and pitch the volunteer opportunity again. Getting her to quit her job is the only way we can save the marriage. If that doesn't work, I can try HR but I don't think that angle will work. Its a 100+ employee company but affairs seem to be part of the culture from the top down.

Just as long as you understand that your marriage will NEVER recover as long as they work together. NEVER. You are looking at an on again, off again affair.

Establishing "accountability" is an oxymoron when you know she is going to see the OM at work everyday. That is like saying you are going to "establish sobriety rules" when the alcoholic goes drinking in the bar every day.

"Establishing accountability" and "trusting but verifying" is a distraction from getting her away from the OM and saving your marriage. Nothing should be done until she leaves this job because your marriage will NEVER recover unless she does. NEVER.

Is OM her superior? If he is best friends with the owner and there is an atmosphere of adultery it could it be construed as sexual harrassment, a put out or get out style workplace?

Worth trying. Read the exposure link in Melody Lane's signature, paying attention to the workplace exposure templates.

It may be worth putting those to use, particularly the threat of a lawsuit. The owner may not care about adultery but he might care about that.