I hoping someone can help me.
I�m 54, my wife is 53. We have been married for almost 28 years. We have 4 children, the youngest is 21. We married one year after meeting each other. I thought I loved her, but I now realize that I did not even know what it meant to be in love. She knew she didn�t love me, but thought she would as time went by. We started having children right away and had 4 within 6 years. The problems started almost immediately. I treated her like a sex object. She pulled away from me because of how I treated her. We did not communicate very well at that time. I had a problem with pornography at that time and the more she refused me sexually, the more I indulged in that lifestyle.
After 10 years of this, she was depressed and did not know what to do. Then she met someone, a neighbor, who was also married and unhappy in his marriage. He met every need of hers that I was not meeting. This affair went on for about 3 years before I, and his wife, discovered it. They both decided to end the affair and stay married. What my wife told at that time was that she does not love me, will never love me, but will stay married to me for the kids sake. Since I did not want a divorce I agreed. At this point, even though all of this, I loved her and wanted her to love me. I thought by staying together, not only would it be better for the kids, she might someday love me.
Our relationship actually improved after this. We talked all the time. I confessed to her all the things I had done, strip clubs, porn, etc. She talked about her affair. How she didn�t know what else to do. How, without him in her life, she would have divorced me. She helped change me into the man I am today. I no longer indulge in any of the things I did. I�m a very loving and kind man. I love my kids. They love me. My wife is my best friend. The thing is though, we are only friends. We have separate rooms, we don�t hold hands, kiss or hug. Also, she never really ended the affair. He is still in her life. They communicate regularly. A few years ago, after I found phone records of them talking, she proposed this. She asked if I would allow her to see him again. She thought that she could convince him to leave his marriage, then we would divorce and I could find someone who could love me. I agreed. I didn�t know what else to do. I still did not want a divorce. She would meet him for lunch and has been on 5 different, week long, out of town, business trips with him.
So now, after almost 3 years of trying, she realizes that he will never leave his wife. I have told her that I will not allow her to see him anymore. She hasn�t seen him since their last trip, over 6 months ago. She says she wants to end it, knows she should, but it is very hard. He has been a part of her life for over 15 years. She says she wants to stay married to me, but she says she will never love me. We will never have more then we have now.
As I read what I have written, I realize how foolish this must look. How it looks like I have been used by her. But I have become a better man through all this. A better father. I have grown to love her, even with all she has done. I want so much to be loved by her. I want to be married to the mother of my children. To the grandmother of my future grandchildren. But through all this, I have lost all hope that she will ever love me.
Am I being selfish? Am I only thinking of myself? Should I stay with her for the sake of our kids and grandkids? Should I stay with her because she stayed with me and helped me through all of the issues I had? Should I stay because she may actually be able to end her relationship with this other guy and maybe, one day, she will find some love for me?
I don�t know what to do. I think about this every day. I am torn, conflicted. Afraid. Lonely.

Hi scd, welcome to Marriage Builders. We understand what is wrong in your marriage and can help you turn it around IF you are willing to take some tough steps. The problem is that you have done a lot of enabling over the years and this has set up a terrible dynamic in your marriage.

The REASON your wife fell out of love with you is because she is in love with someone else. She will never fall in love with you again unless a) he is gone and b) you stop living like roommates.

I also think your complacence over her affair reflects a lack of caring. You have basically sat by idly for years while she carried on an affair in your own home. It sure does not SEEM like you care much. I hope I am wrong.

If you are willing to take some tough steps to bust up this affair, there is some hope. If not, I have no hope for your marriage at all. Your plan of appeasement and enabling has prevented you from saving your marriage in the past and it will prevent you from making a difference in the future.

SCD,
It's difficult to understand the path you have taken. You have hoped against hope that your wife will come around, and you have sacrificed all of your needs so that she can have this affair.

You made some really good, healthy changes, but she has not agreed to change. Dr. Harley would be the first to tell you this is not how a marriage should be.

Your marriage has lacked clear boundaries and limits on both sides. If you want a happy marriage with your wife those boundaries must be put in place and there must be extraordinary precautions set up so that this doesn't happen again.

The first step you must take is to end the affair between your wife and the other man. This begins with exposure. Expose to everyone both of you know, including your children. Do they know about this?

Secondly, you must move far, far away from the neighborhood. If you don't do this you will have no chance of reclaiming your marriage. Melody Lane said that your marriage has no chance as long as the other man is in the picture. She's right.

I'm not sure how you have tolerated this. Have you ever confronted the other man. It's not too late. I'd confront him and put up a for sale sign on your lawn right away.

If you don't take decisive action your marriage has no chance. Living as a roommate is not marriage. Why waste the best years of your life doing this? Remove scandal from your life and come clean.

Start be reading everything in the "Begin Here" thread in the Surviving An Affair Forum. Then read the book, "Surviving an Affair."

So to recap:
1) Expose the affair to everyone.
2) Move out of the neighborhood right away.
3) Ask your wife to agree to extraordinary precautions that will make you safe from her affairs. If she refuses, ask her to leave the home. You must set this limit or you will be hurt by her ongoing.
4) Let your wife know that you have a plan that can bring romantic love back to the marriage, and ask her to join you in that quest.

It can happen. Dr. Harley has brought passionate love to couples who once hated each other.

Thank you for your advice. I posted this story on your site and several other sites yesterday. I have received some very good advice, including yours. I do plan on setting some clear boundaries and I will not allow this to continue.

Scd, you should know that other sites are completely different from marriage builders. Our advice comes from Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist with 40 years experience saving marriages. Other marriage forums only give out the personal opinions of the posters; usually people who have wrecked their own marriages and have no earthly idea how to save a marriage. If you get advice that is counter to Dr Harley's, I would suggest you are getting bad advice.

I hope that you are using the advice given here and are not opinion shopping across the Internet. There is some dreadful advice out there.