Hello All!

Below is my story. I welcome all feedback, support, and advice...

I am 39, my W is 38. We have been married for 17 years (together 19). We have a D who is 15 and a So who is 20. Early on in the marriage it was great. However, 9 years ago I became detached, had an EA/PA which lasted a couple of months (PA was only once). She found out about it, we did MC which helped. We felt like we were on another honeymoon!

Things of course began to slow down again, I wasn't always receptive to show her attention or go socialize with her, and she wasn't always quick to help do chores around the home. But we still loved each other and both were happy.

However, 2 1/2 years ago, I noticed that my W started to become emotionally detached. She began to socialize more, be more independent, began friendships with a lot of her co-workers. Also around this time, our S moved out of the home. As time has gone by, she has become more detached from me, our D, and her immediate family. It seems the most important thing to her now is her friendships and obtaining attention via social media. Her detaching caused me to be upset so I pulled away from her. Because of this in September after returning from a work trip she indicated to me that she felt a separation would be for the best and she left. However, she returned hours later to discuss our situation. She said that she needed more attention and I indicated that I needed her to be "present" in the M.

Since September, I have done all that I can think of to improve our relationship but it appears she is becoming even more detached. We seemed to be having weekly talks about our M weekly which only seemed to make her angry and me go away crying in a corner. The last one was a little of a week ago. The W indicated that there was no more "joy" at home and still felt some time away would be good. All along though she has indicated that she is committed to our M and wants to stay together but I have a hard time accepting it based on her actions.

For the length of our M even during the bad times, I have always done my share of the chores, took care of the kids, worked hard to advance in my current career and showed her that I loved her.

So I am confused as to what to do now. This situation worsened my anxiety issues so I have begun seeing a therapist. I have discussed MC with her but she feels like time apart should come before MC. I have also suggested that she seek IC as well. I also began doing some of the 180's but am unsure if that would apply in this situation. I am also confused if she is going through empty nest syndrome, menopause, or a mid-life crisis.

Again, any advice would be great!

Hi Brian, welcome to Marriage Builders! Sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. The problem in your marriage is that your wife has fallen out of love with you. That is what she is going through. Using the 180 approach will not cause her to fall back in love, it will push her farther away, defeating your purpose.

There is a very specific way to fall back in love and that is to start spending 20+ hours a week together meeting each others intimate emotional needs of conversation, affection, sexual fulfillment and recreational companionship. That means going out on dates outside of the house. If you and your wife will follow this plan for a few weeks, she will fall back in love with you. '

Another important piece of this is becoming an expert at meeting her emotional needs and eliminating lovebusters. Every time you commit a lovebuster, ie: angry outburst, disrespectful judgement, etc, you erode her love for you. So the key is to ID your lovebusters and eliminate them.

I would start by educating yourself about the program and then start using this plan. It really does work. Check this out: How to Create Your Own Plan to Resolve Conflicts and Restore Love to Your Marriage

Is she having an affair? Have you checked?

Thank you for the much needed response...

That is what scares me about doing the 180 is that it will push her further away....180's to me seem to be for those who have a spouse who has left.

I have checked on the affair but haven't found anything and she swears that there is no one else. Do I think she has developed friendships with male co-workers based on needing attention? Yes. Do I think they have become more than that? No.

Also, our sex life is great so that make me think even more that there is not an affair.

Do you have any advice on what I should do in regards to her barely ever being home and somewhat neglecting our daughter?

That is not a sign that there is no affair, though. Affairs are not about sex to a woman.


Where is she? That is the greatest concern.

I would strongly suggest that you DO NOT recommend counseling to her unless you want to end up divorced. An IC will help her with personal goals that will most likely be in conflict with your marriage. The goal of an IC is to help the client eliminate sources of unhappiness. If you are that source, then the recommendation will be to eliminate YOU. They are not equipped to save a marriage and won't help your marriage one bit.

She sometimes works late, goes to the gym, or for example picked up materials to do a project for work.

So are you suggesting no MC or just no IC?

I would slip some spyware on her cell phone to see what is going on. Someone that is out that much is usually having an affair. It has to be ruled out. eblaster is a good spyware program that will send you phone logs, texts, and it has a GPS built in. You need to start doing some serious sleuthing.

I would avoid both, most especially IC.

Flexispy is another good one.

I've searched her phone when asleep and checked her facebook, etc... and have found nothing. I really do not think she is having an affair.

If avoiding MC and IC, then how do I get her to realize that she has fallen out of love with me and how to get it back?

At this point, you should be in "Plan A" and be actively snooping to determine if she is having an affair.

You cannot educate her into seeing that she is out of love with you, she already knows that she is.

You need to get the book Surviving an Affair by Dr. Willard Harley ASAP to read and have a gameplan going forward.

I have never heard of a MC that had any idea how to restore the romantic love to a marriage or even believed it was possible. Most are divorce facilitators who don't know how to save a marriage.

If I were you, I would do some snooping. Even the dumbest wayward knows how to delete calls and texts on a cell phone and keep things off Facebook. If you hired a PI, he could probably learn everything you need to know in 2 days. If that is too steep, it is not difficult to put spyware on her phone and a GPS on her car.

I hope she in not having an affair. If she is, that requires a different approach. There are some signs she is. Does she keep her cell phone nearby? Is she on it frequently? Does she keep it with her at night? Is she on it all the time? I would snoop. If you find no evidence of an affair, then I would start spending a lot of time with her.

When you are spending time together, do NOT talk about the relationship. That will only bring up issues that feed resentment. Instead, spend your time doing things that you both enjoy and that spur conversation. Reserve 15 to 20 hours a week of undivided attention time. Put this on your calendar! Also, go on a vacation together. I highly recommend something like a cruise where everything is taken care of for you, and you can spend time talking, having fun together, and relighting the flam.

Have you read His Needs/Her Needs and Love Busters? These are must reads for both of you. Read them right away, and then see if you can get her to read them.

Finally, how romantic have you been with her? Do you make her feel special? If not, get started.

Hide a gps in her car.