How is the snooping going? Did you learn all of this by reading her email or something? I'd focus on that first so you know what you're really dealing with here. You're getting distracted with all of this other stuff. Don't get ahead of yourself.

I do not think my WW will deny the relationship. She has told our children at the beginning of the relationship that she was talking to an old friend from High school. The only part left out is that they were in a relationship most of HS and it was intimate.
Please allow me to vent for a moment. Once when on a trip to a football game and to see my DS at college she texted with him all the way to the game with me in the next seat driving. Ouch! The other time that I can not forget is on the way to family's house on Christmas morning we had to stop so she could return a call to OM and wish him a Merry Christmas. The whole family sat in the car while she had this conversation. Needless to say it was hard to put on my game face for the extended family that day.
Do I need more evidence to proceed with exposure? I can not go back and reproduce evidence of the emotional affair 3+ years ago. I was watching her work email, the phone log, and facebook. She was talking almost daily on her work email at some points of the relationship, along with the facebook and texting. I have never told her I was watching her work email. I can spy to determine if communication is happening now but that will only be to provide evidence to others. I need no more evidence that her statement that "ending communication with OM is unreasonable". What do you think? I may not be thinking all that clearly right now.

At this point, I would get more evidence. She can deny everything; it helps to have more evidence.
A smoking gun would be ideal.
With proper spyware, iy shouldnt be hard to get the evidence. She's in love with this guy and they probably are having cybersex and similar text messages.

Edit: This is a deep rooted affair that has been going on for years. When you expose, it needs to be nuclear exposure with good back up evidence. Also, if she refuses to end the affair after exposure then you have evidence of adultery for a divorce lawsuit.

Snooping- I have regained access to her facebook and I believe her work email. I have always been able to look at her personal email if she is in the shower or asleep. I have not purchased the spyware yet. I wanted to find out what I see on facebook and the work email. Again I do not need more evidence than WW statement "ending communication with OM is unreasonable". ?

I have always assumed that when she friended him on facebook that was the beginning of the contact, I now question that. She had just began to use facebook and it just happened to be the time OM was going threw his second divorce.

You don't know the nature of their relationship WH! You might think you do and you may be right but you need to find out for sure on your own. Get the spyware installed.

You said yourself she deletes messages. You know she isn't going to tell you up front that she is doing anything inappropriate. She has already proved to you she will hide it, so you can't believe her. You already know you are vulnerable to gas lighting so you need to find out what reality is for yourself. If you don't get good evidence first she is going to turn this around on you when you expose.

Nuclear exposure would be good. But what if what she says is correct and communication is rare at this point? I still don't want to live with OM still in her life. I don't have evidence of the original EA and if communication is rare now I will just have to live with this situation. I don't think I can do that!

I agree she will turn it around without good evidence. What if there is none, I am back to my life the last 4 years.

Ok I know you will say calm down and get the spyware installed, I will do that.

That's why you get the spyware installed and then when you get the evidence you do your nuclear exposure.

She is telling you that ending her "friendship" with OM is unreasonable because she thinks you're just going to take her fogged out abuse.

Install the spyware, friend.

WH,

But what if what she says is correct and communication is rare at this point?

This is a secret of OMs who keep some number of women on the backburners, communicate just enough to stay special. There is a reasonable chance OM kept an even lower rate of communication throughout your marriage, once every 5 years or such.

It's claimed that one of the reasons gambling is so addictive is that random rewards are so addictive, so it is with the rare communication from OM.

That someone from high school still has such attractive powers shows you how important Dr Harleys NC for life is, time does not always diminish feelings. As much as your WWs rational sense chooses you her irrational side favors OM.

God Bless
Gamma

Yep! You answered your own question. Like you said, it's been four years. Take this one methodical step at a time. Report back here when you have things in place and if you do find anything, don't do or say anything right away. Come back here first and get the next steps planned out.

Gamma- About random rewards, when she spoke with OM in November, I met her later that day. She was very happy and we were headed on a 3 hr drive. I was however not that happy because I had just watched a messaging session with the OM. So I agree with what you say.

WH,

I need no more evidence that her statement that "ending communication with OM is unreasonable".

I would expose to the OMs family everyone, his church, his ex'es, his children and his workplace. If that does not work give him a choice double ought or single ought buckshot full or modified.

God Bless
Gamma

I have OM phone number, I can call him right now. If their is communication going on I would tip my hand. I am all for telling him to back the he## off. Should I again wait for more evidence?

By the way I got his phone number when my WW asked for it during that communication in November. He had changed his number in the past year or so during an argument with his live in girlfriend. Yes they got back together.

WH,

You bring up a good point, if they are communicating, then your exposure of OM will trigger alot of communication between OM and WW. So yes you need to have your spy network in place before you start exposure so you can capture the exchanges.

God Bless
Gamma

Get your spyware in place, and then yes you can confront OM after exposure.

Is OM married?

In addition to spyware, get yourself a couple of VARs and place them where you think she might call the OM. A favorite place to hide one is under the front seat of her car with Velcro. Since she has his number, it is likely she will call him immediately upon learning of exposure if she isn't doing it already.

OM is living with his girlfriend. He is also on the road often because the drives truck, so he away from home often. I know that fact could have given him a chance for a physical affair but my wife would have to have taken the day off work and not told me. I realize this was possible. We have moved in the past year where this would currently not be possible for my WW to do this without my knowledge or at least she would have to have a good excuse for why she is traveling.