Hello I am new here, I will give a few details and then ask my question.
I have been married for 30 years to a wonderful woman. 4 years ago she friended her old highschool boyfriend on facebook. They were very close in Highschool. This quickly turned into what I call an EA and she calls "catching up". He lives across the country so meeting was not possible except once when he came out here to see family. I was with my wife when they met that once. After about a year the relationship had little contact, Christmas and birthday plus some more posably.
Recently my wife spoke with him again. I had asked her to tell me when she spoke with the OM but she did not do this. Her facebook messenger stared beeping a lot so I looked to see what was up. She was away on a day trip and decided to message the OM on her phone. The conversation was nothing to get to upset about other than she did not tell me and deleated the messages shortly after the conversation. There were no facebook messages to or from him, all were deleated. When asked her about it later the next day she said she was going to tell me but did not have a chance. I found this very upsetting.
My wife and I have discussed this several times in the last 4 months. At first she said "she would probably never Speek with him again". Yesterday she brought it up again in relation to another issue we were discussing and she said this time "when I talk to him again" and "it is unreasonable for her never to Speek with him again. This also upsets me.
I decided this morning to send her the quote below that I read on this forum. I included a note explaining how I thought this was a danger for us and she should consider what the boundaries should be. Her response was to say "I should trust her with all of my heart". (I told her I loved her with all of my heart).
I do not know where to go with this, I do not even know for sure it was, or is, an EA. From what I have read I think this was an emotional affair when it first began 4 years ago. She thinks I am making things up in my head. I don't know any more, I might be crazy! If you need more details please ask. Any help would be appreciated.
When people let their boundaries go & start allowing members of the opposite sex to meet intimate emotional needs, then it can happen breathtakingly quickly. In my case, it was nothing I was looking for, at the outset. We were only talking about music, for goodness sakes. I'd always been a boy-scout, upstanding family-man, good dad, the last person you'd ever have thought would have an affair.
But we began spending time alone together, to rehearse songs that we were singing. Big mistake! And the conversations evolved. And when she started letting on that things weren't all rosy in her marriage, I should've shut it the hell down then & there; but I didn't, b/c it was an ego boost to have someone view me as somone to confide in. It filled my EN for admiration & attention. Not to mention intimate conversation & (with the music rehearsals) recreational companionship. All the ingredients for marital disaster. And it took about 5 weeks until the EA became physical. And this was with a woman whom I'd known for only 2 years previously, and barely at that, and whom I'd never even thought anything untoward about, and who I'd actually found kind of annoying, until she first asked me to sing a duet with her & started throwing a few compliments my way.
And yeah, at the time, I even felt that I'd fallen in love with her. 
That's how f'd up people can get when they're in the throes of an emotional affair. And it's that feeling "in love" part that people who you never thought would cheat -- people who themselves never thought they'd ever cheat -- use to justify it all to themselves.
The first time a person in a position of any perceived authority in a church is approached by a member of the opposite sex who lets on that her marriage is having issues, then his first & only response should be to one-touch that person to a reputable, professional counselor, and then step out of it. Any response that involves continuing 1-on-1 conversations between the two of them is courting disaster. No one who doesn't "get" this ought to be serving in ministry in any capacity, imho. I hope this makes sense and I am quoting properly. Thanks
Hello I am new here, I will give a few details and then ask my question.
I have been married for 30 years to a wonderful woman. 4 years ago she friended her old highschool boyfriend on facebook. They were very close in Highschool. This quickly turned into what I call an EA and she calls "catching up". He lives across the country so meeting was not possible except once when he came out here to see family. I was with my wife when they met that once. After about a year the relationship had little contact, Christmas and birthday plus some more posably.
Recently my wife spoke with him again. I had asked her to tell me when she spoke with the OM but she did not do this. Her facebook messenger stared beeping a lot so I looked to see what was up. She was away on a day trip and decided to message the OM on her phone. The conversation was nothing to get to upset about other than she did not tell me and deleated the messages shortly after the conversation. There were no facebook messages to or from him, all were deleated. When asked her about it later the next day she said she was going to tell me but did not have a chance. I found this very upsetting.
My wife and I have discussed this several times in the last 4 months. At first she said "she would probably never Speek with him again". Yesterday she brought it up again in relation to another issue we were discussing and she said this time "when I talk to him again" and "it is unreasonable for her never to Speek with him again. This also upsets me.
I decided this morning to send her the quote below that I read on this forum. I included a note explaining how I thought this was a danger for us and she should consider what the boundaries should be. Her response was to say "I should trust her with all of my heart". (I told her I loved her with all of my heart).
I do not know where to go with this, I do not even know for sure it was, or is, an EA. From what I have read I think this was an emotional affair when it first began 4 years ago. She thinks I am making things up in my head. I don't know any more, I might be crazy! If you need more details please ask. Any help would be appreciated.
When people let their boundaries go & start allowing members of the opposite sex to meet intimate emotional needs, then it can happen breathtakingly quickly. In my case, it was nothing I was looking for, at the outset. We were only talking about music, for goodness sakes. I'd always been a boy-scout, upstanding family-man, good dad, the last person you'd ever have thought would have an affair.
But we began spending time alone together, to rehearse songs that we were singing. Big mistake! And the conversations evolved. And when she started letting on that things weren't all rosy in her marriage, I should've shut it the hell down then & there; but I didn't, b/c it was an ego boost to have someone view me as somone to confide in. It filled my EN for admiration & attention. Not to mention intimate conversation & (with the music rehearsals) recreational companionship. All the ingredients for marital disaster. And it took about 5 weeks until the EA became physical. And this was with a woman whom I'd known for only 2 years previously, and barely at that, and whom I'd never even thought anything untoward about, and who I'd actually found kind of annoying, until she first asked me to sing a duet with her & started throwing a few compliments my way.
And yeah, at the time, I even felt that I'd fallen in love with her. That's how f'd up people can get when they're in the throes of an emotional affair. And it's that feeling "in love" part that people who you never thought would cheat -- people who themselves never thought they'd ever cheat -- use to justify it all to themselves.
The first time a person in a position of any perceived authority in a church is approached by a member of the opposite sex who lets on that her marriage is having issues, then his first & only response should be to one-touch that person to a reputable, professional counselor, and then step out of it. Any response that involves continuing 1-on-1 conversations between the two of them is courting disaster. No one who doesn't "get" this ought to be serving in ministry in any capacity, imho. I hope this makes sense and I am quoting properly. Thanks
Wearyhusband,
Dr. Harley would encourage you to "snoop" by installing spyware on her phone and home computer.
You need to read the messages they send each other; they are most likely sexually explicit at this point.
At this point, you should be in "Plan A" and snooping for further evidence.
You should also get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley ASAP...it is a guidebook for how to deal with an affair.
You should also hit Notify on your post and ask the mods to create a thread for you.
WearyHusband,
Ex'es of any kind are poison to your relationship with your wife.
Have you spoke with the, OMW, other mans wife? I half expect you to tell me that OM just got divorced.
The problem with Ex'es is that your wife has fond memories of OM and a positive love bank balance.
You also need to let this OM know that you will not tolerate his intrusions into your family life and you will take action by any means necessary.
I agree with JK if the messages were innocent WW would not have deleted them.
God Bless
Gamma
The OM was recently divorced when my wife began speaking with him on facebook. That was 4 years ago. When the relationship died down the OM moved across several states to be with a new girl friend, he is still with her. When my wife and I met him for lunch that was when he was moving to be with the new girl. I believe that was his way of saying to my wife, if you want me now is the time. That is a guess on my part and a product of many sleepless nights.
The communication slowed way down at that point, but has continued. At some point my wife started deleting his facebook messages, that is why I asked her to tell me when she speaks with OM. As you can see, she did not keep that promise.
JK- I have reread plan A. The first thing it says is "once the wayward spouse's mistake is acknowledged". She does not believe she has done anything wrong. When I called it an EA she became very upset.
I responded to you before but it went to the wrong thread. I am trying to follow plan A as far as filling her love bank. I have been doing that for most of the 4 previous years, and it is in my nature to care for my wife anyway.
WH,
The OM was recently divorced when my wife began speaking with him on facebook.
This is so textbook, I would speak with the OMexW anyhow, and then speak with OM girl friend.
YES it's an EA!
God Bless
Gamma
JK- I have reread plan A. The first thing it says is "once the wayward spouse's mistake is acknowledged". She does not believe she has done anything wrong. When I called it an EA she became very upset.
I responded to you before but it went to the wrong thread. I am trying to follow plan A as far as filling her love bank. I have been doing that for most of the 4 previous years, and it is in my nature to care for my wife anyway.
Well, Dr. Harley would not advise Plan A for 4 years. He typically advises plan A for no more than 6 months.
You need to focus on installing spyware on her phone and any computers.
You need to read these messages and obtain evidence.
In the meantime, do not ask her about OM or discuss it at all...just play along with the flow and Plan A
Gamma- "yes it is an EA". I did not know those words could evoke so much emotion. I feel relief, That means that I am not crazy! I feel sad that my marriage is in danger. I feel scared about what I am now going to have to do.
You pointed out something that I had never thought about, the OM recent divorce. How did she happen to look him up on facebook when he was going threw a hard time because of a divorce? Her wanting to friend him on facebook out of the blue must have been the first lie.
JK- thank you for confirming what my first step should be. I did not want to start unless I knew for sure it was actualy an EA. I know plan A should be only 6 months.
I have been doing internet research since November and have recently been able to put the term EA to what I have been feeling. I knew it was not a PA because of the distance, but was still very bothered by the situation. I have read a book called "Just Friends". My wife has said those words often in our discussion about the OM.
I will purchase the book SSA today. Thank you
Do I tell her that I now believe her relationship with the OM is an EA and tell her that if it continues it will cause the end of our Marriage? Or do you think that my not liking the relationship for the past 4 years is enough for her to end it without me saying those words?
WH,
There is a chance, and a 30% chance, that the communication with your WW was what triggered OMs divorce.
Did your WW go to a school or family reunion without you? Perhaps 5 or 7 years before? If so there is also a good chance OM and WW hooked up physically a One night stand sort of encounter.
Has your WW shown a marked lowering of sexual attraction for you, again TEXTBOOK.
Since this has been going on for a long time it does not need to be fixed immediately as WW will take the affair further underground. But you have to start monitoring your WWs communications.
God Bless
Gamma
I do not think that the OM divorce was caused by my wife. She told me he was devastated because of the divorce. That is one of the items she told me they talked about. By the way he has divorced twice and also had a long term relationship end between the two divorces. My wife has said " why would I want to get involved with someone like that". And said "all the same issues that were there when they dated are still there. He is a dreamer and does not stick to things.
I will have to give some thought to past possible meetings, I don't think that has happened but what do I know?
Our sex life has not been the best, she attributes that to the anti-depresents she is on for menopause and anxiety. I do however know that her and the OM had a healthy sex life back in high-school. If it was not for that fact I would not be as upset about this. My wife understands that is the source of my issues with this "friendship"
The relationship has already went further underground or all communication has stopped as she tells me. I have again asked her to tell me when she speaks with the OM, and she agreed to this. Several events around the use of facebook have given me the impression that my wife and the OM have found a new way to communicate where I will not discover it.
I am going to start monitoring her communications. I understand this does not need to be fixed immediately but I am not sure that after 4 years of this I have the heart to go threw what will be necessary to fix the marriage. I realize that something caused this to happen and part of that falls on me.
Weary,
Do not let her know you think she is in an emotional affair. This is time to go quiet and start snooping.
Put a keylogger on the computers.
Does she keep her cell phone close at all times? Is she on it frequently? Is it password protected from you? If the answer to these questions is yes, then something is definitely up.
WH,
By the way he has divorced twice and also had a long term relationship end between the two divorces.
Why does OM claim the relationships failed, could be OM is a serial cheater? Being a serial cheater is consistent that he was devastated by the divorce since OMs like to have their marriage(stability) and a girl friend too(excitement).
God Bless
Gamma
The relationship has already went further underground or all communication has stopped as she tells me. I have again asked her to tell me when she speaks with the OM, and she agreed to this. Several events around the use of facebook have given me the impression that my wife and the OM have found a new way to communicate where I will not discover it.
I am going to start monitoring her communications. I understand this does not need to be fixed immediately but I am not sure that after 4 years of this I have the heart to go threw what will be necessary to fix the marriage. I realize that something caused this to happen and part of that falls on me.
Sir this does need fixed immediately!
You need to spy, get evidence of the affair and then prepare for exposing it.
This is a serious issue....
Did you ever watch the TV show 24...when every minute counts?
Well every minute counts here.
3ofus-I will start being quiet. I do have access to her phone and iPad but when she thinks I am looking at it she gets mad at me. Their is no password on eather of her devices. Yes she is on them all the time.
Gamma- I do not know that much about the OM. I do know he has feelings for my wife. She does not deny this, but says it has no Bering on her because she has no intentions of being with him. On some level I think she is leading him on, which is mean to him. Or she is not leading him on and promising him something I know nothing of.
Dont speculate, just get the spyware installed on her phone and ipad.
Also, install a voice activated recorder in her car.
She may have an affair phone and be making phone calls in her vehicle
JK-I am working on spyware today. Just a side note, when the serious EA Was happening 31/2 yrs ago I would get notes midday from my wife for no reason. Since I had access to her email and phone records I discovered these mesages to me would come when she was communicating with the OM. It was to the point that when I got one of these messages for no reason I would go check for communications. Yesterday my wife sent me a message for no reason.
Get the spyware installed and just play dumb for now while you gather evidence.
I think you will find an established, ongoing affair; not only emotional but sexual in nature.
Also make sure that you are commiting no Love Busters, and working to meet her top emotional needs
Weary, follow the advice from the veterans here. Your wife is talking like my exH did. Your wife is talking like a heroin addict I currently know talks about her drug of choice. "Why would I .... [insert the action they are doing and lying about here] When [insert the rational argument about why they are not in an EA or sticking the needle in their arm, in this space]"
The EA is an addiction. First step is keeping the MarriageBuilders website as your secret weapon. Do not share it with your wife, don't talk about it with anyone you know in real life. Gather your intel. Look on the Operation Investigate section on the MB website.
They have gone underground. My ex got very good at sneaking contact with the OW. The heroin addict I know currently is another master at the art of scoring H, covering up, smokescreening her use with illnesses, real and fake.
Addicts risk everything they claim to hold most dear in the world.
Your wife getting mad when you look at her iPad and phone is because you are threatening her addiction.
Bellevue-thank you for your encouragement, I have lived with this for 4 years and it has been very hard on me. Sometimes I just feel like giving up. I have been researching spyware and although it is pricy, cheaper that a divorce.
I have started journaling about our conversations and my thoughts on this EA. It is interesting to look back and see the inconsistencies in what she says. When I would point this out to her, she thinks I take everything she says negatively.
Princessmeggy- so very true! Should I post that on my facebook?
Weary, are you talking about your journaling with your wife? I would keep that fact to yourself. You are in Plan A. Investigating, gathering intel, and making yourself attractive to her. The discussions with your wife about your past conversations about the EA should not be happening.
Work on being confident, strong, and cheerful if you can manage the latter. I know it's hard.
You are right, buying spyware, even hiring a PI, are all cheaper than a divorce.
The journaling is private to myself. I started it to help keep my sanity. What was said in the past always seemed to change, now I can go back to the journal and see exactly what was said and my feelings at the time. It has been very helpful!
WH,
Gamma- I do not know that much about the OM. I do know he has feelings for my wife. She does not deny this,
I think you should know about the OM because he is a threat to you marriage and needs to be driven off, I would contact his ex's and current and etc. They may be able to furnish you with information like how much OM cheated on them which at a later date you can use to show what a skunk OM is to your WW. Right now OM is a romantic object to your WW.
But says it has no Bering on her because she has no intentions of being with him. On some level I think she is leading him on, which is mean to him. Or she is not leading him on and promising him something I know nothing of.
OMs past is his future, guys like that enjoy keeping women on ice they are driven by entirely selfish motives and care nothing for your family. You need to know more about this OM so you can drop bombs on his life.
This relationship OM has with your WW is similar in some ways to the one they had in high school, except instead of your WWs parents paying the bills while she had her romance you are. That's one of the appeals of infidelity is that it is like our teen age relationships all fun and no responsibility.
God Bless
Gamma
Weary husband,
Your wife has been gas lighting you. I do not have the skills here to link up info about gas lighting and affects on the victim--- but you can do a search on this site and google it too. Gaslighting will make you feel crazy and divert your attention off the affair and numb your response because you will buy into her stories etc.
Educating yourself and getting intel will sharpen you. Push yourself to take the necessary steps as advised on this site. Your wife will keep helping you to stay numb and dumb about everything. So attempting to discuss your marriage woo's w/her will get you no where or worse help her maintain OM relationship. Get spyware, a PI, a voice activate recorder and gather gather gather while constantly projecting to her your best you. These acts are the best practices to bringing her back. Other stuff will just prolong your suffering and the drama/trama to your marriage.
Weary husband,
Your wife has been gas lighting you. I do not have the skills here to link up info about gas lighting and affects on the victim--- but you can do a search on this site and google it too. Gaslighting will make you feel crazy and divert your attention off the affair and numb your response because you will buy into her stories etc.
\e.
Go to the source and watch the movie Gaslight
This relationship OM has with your WW is similar in some ways to the one they had in high school, except instead of your WWs parents paying the bills while she had her romance you are. That's one of the appeals of infidelity is that it is like our teen age relationships all fun and no responsibility.
Gamma- I agree with the above statment. WW parents were aganst the relationship back then and it caused a lot of strife in WW home her last 2 years of high school. I will find out more about OM.
Graceful2b- I have recently put the definition of Gaslighting in my journal, so I have came to that conclusion also. I am going to follow the advice here, I will hope that I find nothing but be prepared for the worst. I still have a hard time believing my wife would do all this while professing that she loves me.
Don't waste precious time and resources looking up "Gaslighting", which could also be described as "Fog Babble".
Why bother?
Just know that you can not believe ANYTHING an active wayward says and only about have of what they do.
LTL
Just concentrate your focus on the proper snooping to find out and prove what your gut tells you.
Cell phone Spyware
GPS Tracker
Computer Keylogger
VAR hidden in her car and in home where she takes the phone in private with het.
Get the proven facts, then Expose!!!
LTL
I have purchased SAA. Chapter 4 hit home when it talked about how the WW maintains a secret second life. My WW has done all of these except separation to be with the OM. Wow!
Brainhurts- Gaslighting can be more than just pertaining to the OM, that was very informative. I started seeing the behavior when I started journaling. I did so because I would always come out of discussions with my wife feeling like I was going crazy. It is very helpfull to be able to go back and reread what happened. Then my wife said I take everything she says negetivly.
You should really watch the movie.
You may be able to find it on Youtube
You should educate yourself about how to have a great marriage using MB principles. Have you read about the Policy of Joint Agreement? POJA - Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. Do you see how your wife's OS friendship violates this rule? I just wanted to point this out, because even in the unlikely event that this situation turned out not to be an affair, it would still be wrong for her to maintain this friendship, and it should end anyway.
MrE- I agree with what you just said. I have determined that the relationship 3 yrs ago was an EA(started 4 yrs ago and lasted about 1 yr). After that communications slowed way down but did not stop. After the communication in November my WW said she would probably never talk to OM again. She now states she will talk to him again and it is unreasonable for her not to communicate with him. I am wondering what I need to prove about how much they are communicating. I suspect that if they don't Speek for 6 months and then they communicate again it wil still be very painful for me. I know it was an EA and I also know an end to communication is "unreasonable". Should I move on to plan B right away? I am not sure talking to OM every six months or every day should make any difference in how I should respond. Any opinions would be helpful, Thank you.
As a general rule, Dr. Harley typically recommends that husbands Plan A for about 6 months prior to plan B
Weary, as with all MB secret weapons, do not share SAA with your wife. Don't read it while she is around, and don't leave the book lying anywhere she might spot it.
Good luck!
MrE- I agree with what you just said. I have determined that the relationship 3 yrs ago was an EA(started 4 yrs ago and lasted about 1 yr). After that communications slowed way down but did not stop. After the communication in November my WW said she would probably never talk to OM again. She now states she will talk to him again and it is unreasonable for her not to communicate with him. I am wondering what I need to prove about how much they are communicating. I suspect that if they don't Speek for 6 months and then they communicate again it wil still be very painful for me. I know it was an EA and I also know an end to communication is "unreasonable". Should I move on to plan B right away? I am not sure talking to OM every six months or every day should make any difference in how I should respond. Any opinions would be helpful, Thank you.
How is the snooping going? Did you learn all of this by reading her email or something? I'd focus on that first so you know what you're really dealing with here. You're getting distracted with all of this other stuff. Don't get ahead of yourself.
I do not think my WW will deny the relationship. She has told our children at the beginning of the relationship that she was talking to an old friend from High school. The only part left out is that they were in a relationship most of HS and it was intimate.
Please allow me to vent for a moment. Once when on a trip to a football game and to see my DS at college she texted with him all the way to the game with me in the next seat driving. Ouch! The other time that I can not forget is on the way to family's house on Christmas morning we had to stop so she could return a call to OM and wish him a Merry Christmas. The whole family sat in the car while she had this conversation. Needless to say it was hard to put on my game face for the extended family that day.
Do I need more evidence to proceed with exposure? I can not go back and reproduce evidence of the emotional affair 3+ years ago. I was watching her work email, the phone log, and facebook. She was talking almost daily on her work email at some points of the relationship, along with the facebook and texting. I have never told her I was watching her work email. I can spy to determine if communication is happening now but that will only be to provide evidence to others. I need no more evidence that her statement that "ending communication with OM is unreasonable". What do you think? I may not be thinking all that clearly right now.
At this point, I would get more evidence. She can deny everything; it helps to have more evidence.
A smoking gun would be ideal.
With proper spyware, iy shouldnt be hard to get the evidence. She's in love with this guy and they probably are having cybersex and similar text messages.
Edit: This is a deep rooted affair that has been going on for years. When you expose, it needs to be nuclear exposure with good back up evidence. Also, if she refuses to end the affair after exposure then you have evidence of adultery for a divorce lawsuit.
Snooping- I have regained access to her facebook and I believe her work email. I have always been able to look at her personal email if she is in the shower or asleep. I have not purchased the spyware yet. I wanted to find out what I see on facebook and the work email. Again I do not need more evidence than WW statement "ending communication with OM is unreasonable". ?
I have always assumed that when she friended him on facebook that was the beginning of the contact, I now question that. She had just began to use facebook and it just happened to be the time OM was going threw his second divorce.
Snooping- I have regained access to her facebook and I believe her work email. I have always been able to look at her personal email if she is in the shower or asleep. I have not purchased the spyware yet. I wanted to find out what I see on facebook and the work email. Again I do not need more evidence than WW statement "ending communication with OM is unreasonable". ?
You don't know the nature of their relationship WH! You might think you do and you may be right but you need to find out for sure on your own. Get the spyware installed.
You said yourself she deletes messages. You know she isn't going to tell you up front that she is doing anything inappropriate. She has already proved to you she will hide it, so you can't believe her. You already know you are vulnerable to gas lighting so you need to find out what reality is for yourself. If you don't get good evidence first she is going to turn this around on you when you expose.
Nuclear exposure would be good. But what if what she says is correct and communication is rare at this point? I still don't want to live with OM still in her life. I don't have evidence of the original EA and if communication is rare now I will just have to live with this situation. I don't think I can do that!
I agree she will turn it around without good evidence. What if there is none, I am back to my life the last 4 years.
Ok I know you will say calm down and get the spyware installed, I will do that.
Nuclear exposure would be good. But what if what she says is correct and communication is rare at this point? I still don't want to live with OM still in her life. I don't have evidence of the original EA and if communication is rare now I will just have to live with this situation. I don't think I can do that!
That's why you get the spyware installed and then when you get the evidence you do your nuclear exposure.
She is telling you that ending her "friendship" with OM is unreasonable because she thinks you're just going to take her fogged out abuse.
Install the spyware, friend.
WH,
But what if what she says is correct and communication is rare at this point?
This is a secret of OMs who keep some number of women on the backburners, communicate just enough to stay special. There is a reasonable chance OM kept an even lower rate of communication throughout your marriage, once every 5 years or such.
It's claimed that one of the reasons gambling is so addictive is that random rewards are so addictive, so it is with the rare communication from OM.
That someone from high school still has such attractive powers shows you how important Dr Harleys NC for life is, time does not always diminish feelings. As much as your WWs rational sense chooses you her irrational side favors OM.
God Bless
Gamma
Ok I know you will say calm down and get the spyware installed, I will do that.
Yep! You answered your own question.
Like you said, it's been four years. Take this one methodical step at a time. Report back here when you have things in place and if you do find anything, don't do or say anything right away. Come back here first and get the next steps planned out.
Gamma- About random rewards, when she spoke with OM in November, I met her later that day. She was very happy and we were headed on a 3 hr drive. I was however not that happy because I had just watched a messaging session with the OM. So I agree with what you say.
WH,
I need no more evidence that her statement that "ending communication with OM is unreasonable".
I would expose to the OMs family everyone, his church, his ex'es, his children and his workplace. If that does not work give him a choice double ought or single ought buckshot full or modified.
God Bless
Gamma
I have OM phone number, I can call him right now. If their is communication going on I would tip my hand. I am all for telling him to back the he## off. Should I again wait for more evidence?
By the way I got his phone number when my WW asked for it during that communication in November. He had changed his number in the past year or so during an argument with his live in girlfriend. Yes they got back together.
WH,
You bring up a good point, if they are communicating, then your exposure of OM will trigger alot of communication between OM and WW. So yes you need to have your spy network in place before you start exposure so you can capture the exchanges.
God Bless
Gamma
I have OM phone number, I can call him right now. If their is communication going on I would tip my hand. I am all for telling him to back the he## off. Should I again wait for more evidence?
Get your spyware in place, and then yes you can confront OM after exposure.
Is OM married?
In addition to spyware, get yourself a couple of VARs and place them where you think she might call the OM. A favorite place to hide one is under the front seat of her car with Velcro. Since she has his number, it is likely she will call him immediately upon learning of exposure if she isn't doing it already.
OM is living with his girlfriend. He is also on the road often because the drives truck, so he away from home often. I know that fact could have given him a chance for a physical affair but my wife would have to have taken the day off work and not told me. I realize this was possible. We have moved in the past year where this would currently not be possible for my WW to do this without my knowledge or at least she would have to have a good excuse for why she is traveling.
OM is living with his girlfriend. He is also on the road often because the drives truck, so he away from home often. I know that fact could have given him a chance for a physical affair but my wife would have to have taken the day off work and not told me. I realize this was possible. We have moved in the past year where this would currently not be possible for my WW to do this without my knowledge or at least she would have to have a good excuse for why she is traveling.
He's probably a playa and has many women on the road. His girlfriend will be on the top of your exposure list.
Do you know when you'll be able to get the spyware in place?
Like FTF said, also put a VAR in her vehicle and a GPS.
OM is living with his girlfriend. He is also on the road often because the drives truck, so he away from home often. I know that fact could have given him a chance for a physical affair but my wife would have to have taken the day off work and not told me. I realize this was possible. We have moved in the past year where this would currently not be possible for my WW to do this without my knowledge or at least she would have to have a good excuse for why she is traveling.
Sir, my wife was secretly meeting her affair partner when she performed simple errands such as shopping!
Trust me, cheaters can find time to hook up.
Just an update--- I have been reading SAA, I find it hard to read the recovery part because I am not sure we will ever get that far. I am pluging along.
I have done a great deal of reserch on keyloggers but seem to get more confuesd rather than less. I want to get one that works for android phone and an iPad. I seems that the best bet is to start with the phone and see what I get. Then keylog the iPad if I need more. My wife is only 5 min from work so I don't think a recorder is the way to go. I will expand if necessary.
I am having a hard time with doing the things necessary to keep my wife happy. She wants me to do all these things to reduce her anxiety and stress but will not do the one thing I want, quit communicating with the OM. I must say that she could have quit communicating but how would I know, she has not been honest on that account. That is the reason I need the keylogger.
Sometimes I just want to give up, the road back seems so hard and at this point I don't see the path. I realize that I have been dealing with this way to Long and should have done something three and a half years ago. I did not know about MB then and really did not understand what an EA was, I just knew I did not like it very much.
Thank you for giving me a place to vent, WearyHusband
I have done a great deal of reserch on keyloggers but seem to get more confuesd rather than less. I want to get one that works for android phone and an iPad.
WH, a good cell phone spyware is eblaster for android. It has a built in GPS. It is highly rated and works very well. It is here:
http://www.spectorsoft.com/products/eblaster-mobile-android/It takes about 5 minutes to install.
I have an update and a couple of questions:
It has been 5 months since I have posted. I have spyware on my WS phone and a VAR in her car. I have had access to her facebook most of this time and have not seen any communication with OM. She could have easily deleted the messages as she has done previously. She has an IPad and an IPod which I do not have spyware on. She also has a laptop at work that I do not have access to. I know my net has holes in it but I believe that their has been no contact with OM.
My wife has usually contacted the OM on his birthday, 3 of the last 4 years. It is coming up later this month. I always get uptight during this time. My birthday is about 1 week earlier than his, which always makes me not want to celebrate. The family never understands why this is the case
.
I have a good friend that just got divorced when his wife got back together with an old HS boyfriend. This has increased my anxiety more than usual during this month.
I mention these things because I am sure I can not continue living this way. At some point contact will happen again, or I will discover contact and that will end my marriage. I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. My wife is also ready to purchase a home, we moved last year, but I am unwilling to do that until we have closure on her affair.
My two questions are:
1-How can I approach my wife to begin extraordinary precaution at this point? I have mentioned combining our facebook accounts, but she comes up with reasons why that is not a good idea. I have not gone any further than that on this issue. She still denies it was an EA or that she has done anything wrong.
2- Should I expose to my children even thought I do not have evidence of the affair continuing at this time? I have a copy of one facebook conversation with my wife where she states: "I can not change the past. Obviously I did not understand and I am not perfect." It is clear in this conversation that I am talking about the OM. This is the only evidence I have other than my personal journal I have been keeping. My wife has told the kids she was talking to an old high school friend, but did not mention the extent of the intimate relationship they had in high school. The kids do not know the extent of the relationship they had starting 4 yrs ago, they only know she was talking to an old high school friend. I believe they know it was a man.
I think I am in a post affair damaged marriage that will limp along until the next time OM comes back in the picture. Any advice would be appreciated.
1 - You simply show them to her and tell her this is the marriage you want, one of protection for each other.
Did she write a no contact letter?
Do not combine a facebook account. A joint account on facebook does NOT protect from an affair, and she has already shown she is not to be trusted.
DELETE FACEBOOK and any other social media. This is part of the extraordinary precautions you will need to both take. No more social media. This is not negotiable. If she is not willing to do this, then she is not safe.
2 - Did you expose the affair at all?
Yes, you should expose to your children. Her affair affects them, and they have a right to know what is going on.
I think I am in a post affair damaged marriage that will limp along until the next time OM comes back in the picture. Any advice would be appreciated.
JH, start listening to the daily radio show, and see if you can get your wife to listen as well. Keep problems on the front burner: for example, bring up Facebook daily and tell her how much it bothers you that she is on Facebook and that you want to have a marriage where neither one of you does something if the other is bothered.
I did not expose because I was waiting for evidence that would convince a jury. I have not got that evidence. I do not believe their has been contact, but I am sure their will be at some point. She has said in the past that no contact is "unreasonable". The examples she gave was if their was a death in the family such as OM mother. In previous posts I have stated that my wife and OM grew up together, same church and school. I did not want to start recovery until I had the evidence and fully exposed. I feel like I am stuck waiting for proper evidence which I am sure will come. Thank you!
I purchased SSA on line in March when I first posted here.
Markos, would that not be a love buster, I have been trying to be a model husband until I could expose.
Markos, would that not be a love buster, I have been trying to be a model husband until I could expose.
Complaints are good for a marriage and are to be encouraged. Dr. Harley says complaints will always be a love bank withdrawal, but he does not classify them as a love buster, because they are a necessary passing of information.
When should you tell your spouse "We have a problem."But get your exposure done. Don't let anything sidetrack you from that. Exposure is often the first step in full recovery.
I did not expose because I was waiting for evidence that would convince a jury.
There's a difference between waiting for evidence and digging up evidence. You need to start digging. Take whatever steps are necessary to find out the extent of your wife's relationship, then expose it.
Don't "wait" for evidence - that's not part of the plan. (At least not part of the plan that works.)
Markos,
I read the article on complaints and will do this. When she asks why, do I say because that is where you conducted most of your affair and it continues to trigger me? When I told her I believe she had an EA once before she got very mad. I assume that is as far as we will get, until the next day when I restate my complaint. Is this a good strategy?
On second thought, I guess I will be introducing the whole topic of extraordinary precautions at the same time. I want to do this right, I may only get one shot at it.
Markos, would that not be a love buster, I have been trying to be a model husband until I could expose.
Complaints are good for a marriage and are to be encouraged. Dr. Harley says complaints will always be a love bank withdrawal, but he does not classify them as a love buster, because they are a necessary passing of information.
When should you tell your spouse "We have a problem."But get your exposure done. Don't let anything sidetrack you from that. Exposure is often the first step in full recovery.Sir, as you have been previously advised, you need to focus on exposure at this point.
Read the Exposure 101 thread and then come back when you ahve your exposure targets contact info, etc.
Jedi, I have exposure targets ready, I do not think I have the evidence. My evidence has shown that the affair is not continuing at this time. I have herd it said look until you get tired of looking. This is where I am at now. Markos has said to dig up evidence. I would have thought the VAR would have picked up something by now. Where else should I dig? I am stuck in a post affair damaged marriage where I would like to employ extraordinary precautions.
do you have a key logger on the computer that she uses?
She mostly uses her phone and iPad. But she also has an iPod. The computer in our home rarely gets used. If she were to use a computer I would think it would be her work laptop. I do not have access to that. She has used her phone before and I have spyware on that. Are you saying you think the affair is ongoing and I am missing the communication because she is being more careful? That has crosses my mind, but I thought I would pick up something with what I have got now.
When she asks why, do I say because that is where you conducted most of your affair and it continues to trigger me?
You say "It just bothers me."
"Why" questions are very dangerous and invite debate. So you sidestep the debate.
On second thought, I guess I will be introducing the whole topic of extraordinary precautions at the same time. I want to do this right, I may only get one shot at it.
That's why you want to EXPOSE, ASAP.
There's not a whole lot of sense talking about extraordinary precautions until you expose.
Markos, thank you, I will use that, I like simple. I want to avoid her Gaslighting me, as JK has previously brought to my attention.
I'm confused as to why you don't think you have enough evidence to expose. You saw messages between her and OM. She refuses to give up this friendship.
Why don't you think you have enough?
BrainHurts,
That is true, I viewed a conversation between my wife and OM, that conversation was just catching up other than she started out by apologizing for not contacting him because it bothers me. She also indicated she wanted to keep in closer touch. My wife's perspective was that she was just checking on OM brother and mother who were both ill.
I do not have a copy of that conversation. If I do not have the evidence, but only my recollection of the of conversation. Is that enough?
My wife's perspective was that she was just checking on OM brother and mother who were both ill.
My perspective is that a marriage can't survive if one spouse wants to offer care and concern for people when the other spouse isn't enthusiastic!
What is your evidence of an affair?
BrainHurts,
That is true, I viewed a conversation between my wife and OM, that conversation was just catching up other than she started out by apologizing for not contacting him because it bothers me. She also indicated she wanted to keep in closer touch. My wife's perspective was that she was just checking on OM brother and mother who were both ill.
I do not have a copy of that conversation. If I do not have the evidence, but only my recollection of the of conversation. Is that enough?
Was this a romantic conversation?
Markos, I need to get better at telling my wife that with respect but clearly making my feeling clear.
MelodyLane, no it was not, other than the two things I mentioned. She had previously told me she would tell me if she contacted OM, and she did not do this. She also deleted the messages to the OM when the conversation was over.
MelodyLane, no it was not, other than the two things I mentioned. She had previously told me she would tell me if she contacted OM, and she did not do this. She also deleted the messages to the OM when the conversation was over.
Do you have ANY evidence of an affair?
SEe, I don't think there is really an affair, maybe an inappropriate attraction that is definitely on the wrong path. On that basis I would approach her with extraordinary precautions and ask her to end her contact with him.
I would definitely keep up the snooping, because with her pisspoor boundaries she is headed for an affair.
And more importantly, I would work double hard on creating a romantic relationship wtih her. She will be less tempted if you have a passionate marriage.
MelodyLane, The only physical evidence of an affair is a conversation my wife on FB messenger, and I took a screenshot of it. I have not been able to get evidence in the last 5 months. I feel stuck.
MelodyLane, The only physical evidence of an affair is a conversation my wife on FB messenger, and I took a screenshot of it. I have not been able to get evidence in the last 5 months. I feel stuck.
What is the evidence?
melodyLane, the Emotional affair began 4 yrs ago. It included weekly or daily contact with many text messages going back and forth. It included reminiscing about previous sexual experiences and talk by him of them being together again. It slowed way down when. He got a new girlfriend.
So if you have seen this evidence, why aren't you exposing this and nipping it in the bud?
Evidence, I have had a VAR in her car and spyware on her phone. I have not picked up any contact. I want to start EP even though I did not get any evidence or expose since I have none.
You do undrstand that witness testimony is admissable in court? You don't have to have actual film footage and signed confessions.
melodyLane, the Emotional affair began 4 yrs ago. It included weekly or daily contact with many text messages going back and forth. It included reminiscing about previous sexual experiences and talk by him of them being together again. It slowed way down when. He got a new girlfriend.
The above is evicence if you saw this yourself.
I have seen the evidence at the time, but I can not produce it for anyone.
Evidence, I have had a VAR in her car and spyware on her phone. I have not picked up any contact. I want to start EP even though I did not get any evidence or expose since I have none.
But you already HAD evidence. You don't need to pick up NEW evidence to epxose an affair. Even if the affair is over, it should still be exposed.
I have seen the evidence at the time, but I can not produce it for anyone.
Your witness testimony is sufficient. It is sufficient in a court of law.
People get convicted and sent to prison every day based on witness testimony with no direct evidence.
The email I saw was 3.5 years ago and discussed a place OM and her would go back in High school where they would park and have sex. They were reminiscing about past sexual experiences they had. My wife told me that he talked about them being together again. She said she was not interested so it was not a problem. I asked why she did not run the other way at that point. I had access to records of text messages back then but did not get copies.
If all I need to expose is my memory of past events I could have exposed back in March.
Ok, so I have evidence and I have exposure targets for OM. The family ones are easy. Do I do a full exposure at this point or just the small group that I have herd discussed here before when it is an affair from the past?
What has been said here and by Dr. Harley is children should always be told, even if the affair was 20 yrs ago. I need to tell them, who else should be told? Full list? Just family and parents?
What has been said here and by Dr. Harley is children should always be told, even if the affair was 20 yrs ago. I need to tell them, who else should be told? Full list? Just family and parents?
I would keep this within a close circle of family and friends, in addition to contacting the OM's GF and the OM. I would send something to this effect to family and friends:
Dear friends and family,
I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of xxxx and I. I am asking for your support in our marriage. A few years ago, I discovered an affair between WW and her old boyfriend, OM. I was devastated. This affair consisted of hundreds of messages of very sexual, personal content. They may or may not have met up at the time. I know it was planned and don't know if they followed through. Contact has been intermittent recently and WW has refused to end contact.
I want our marriage to recover from this affair. However, that cannot happen as long as this guy is hanging around my marriage waiting for an opening. I live a life waiting for the other shoe to drop. If you have any influence on my babe, please do what you can to get her to stop this affair once and for all. I want to stay married, but this must end.
As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end this for life. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.
I would so appreciate your support and prayers. Thank you, Jaded Husband
Then forward your email to the OM's parents and his girlfriend, ccing that dirtbag:
Dear Mr and Mrs OM and SallyGF, I am forwarding you the email I just sent to our family and friends about the affair between OM and my wife. I felt strongly you should know about the affair since it has never ended. I am asking that you use your influence to persuade your son to stay away from my life forever. His interference in my marriage for the past XX years has been devastating to me and my children. Please ask him to stay away.
Thank you, Jaded Husband
And for GODs SAKE, tell your kids. You don't want this dirtbag to attend your funeral, comforting your wife, do you?? Your kids need to make sure he never darkens your doorstep.
My H, a very quiet man, told me that when he was 8 yrs old he walked in on his mother having sex with his dad's "friend." My H never told anyone except me. Well, guess who gave the eulogy at his dad's funeral!??
My H and I sat there in horror RIGHT NEXT TO HIS MOTHER!!
What has been said here and by Dr. Harley is children should always be told, even if the affair was 20 yrs ago. I need to tell them, who else should be told? Full list? Just family and parents?
I'm so glad you're finally exposing. When will you be exposing?
Please read this.
Exposing Children
Just to make sure I am clear, I tell my kids that my wife had a long term sexual relationship when she was in high school? (Not to mention her parents and siblings). The reason I ask this is that seems to be information my wife shared with me in confidence that she expected me to keep private. I know it is the biggest factor for me and without that information my concern seems out of place.
Just to make sure I am clear, I tell my kids that my wife had a long term sexual relationship when she was in high school? (Not to mention her parents and siblings). The reason I ask this is that seems to be information my wife shared with me in confidence that she expected me to keep private. I know it is the biggest factor for me and without that information my concern seems out of place.
Normally you wouldnt discuss the past.
However, she is inflicting terrible pain on you through her affair and bringing the past into the present.
So, yes they need to know the whole story so they understand it.
JH,
Does your WW really think it is ok to have a relationship with a former sex partner?
God Bless
Gamma
I would start by posting OM on
www.cheaterville.com and then follow the instructions for nuclear exposure in Exposure 101 thread.
The most important thing about exposure is to do it all in a day.
Just to make sure I am clear, I tell my kids that my wife had a long term sexual relationship when she was in high school? (Not to mention her parents and siblings). The reason I ask this is that seems to be information my wife shared with me in confidence that she expected me to keep private. I know it is the biggest factor for me and without that information my concern seems out of place.
Yes, you should tell them the full story so they understand the context. This is no longer private information but intel that directly affects their lives since this dirtbag is hanging around. He is a direct threat to their security.
Gamma,
She has told me many times, "we are just friends". I told her he was perusing her, which she confirmed. My instant response was, why did you not run the other way when he said that. But she still wants contact, the latest time it was only in the case of a death in the family. So she has convinced herself that it is ok. The only reason contact has stopped, ( I think ) is that I get so upset over the situation. She knows I believe it to be an emotional affair. She also said I see no problem with the OM meeting emotional needs. Yes I find it hard to believe also!
Gamma,
She has told me many times, "we are just friends". I told her he was perusing her, which she confirmed. My instant response was, why did you not run the other way when he said that. But she still wants contact, the latest time it was only in the case of a death in the family. So she has convinced herself that it is ok. The only reason contact has stopped, ( I think ) is that I get so upset over the situation. She knows I believe it to be an emotional affair. She also said I see no problem with the OM meeting emotional needs. Yes I find it hard to believe also!
She also could have taken the affair underground because she knows that it makes you upset.
Brainhurts,
That thought has crossed my mind, everyday since the last contact. I have been avoiding talking about it and trying to be a model husband in hopes WW would get sloppy and I would get recent evidence.
Thank you for all of your input these past months. Everyones input for that matter. When I was having a bad day I would come here for support even though I have not posted.
Brainhurts,
That thought has crossed my mind, everyday since the last contact. I have been avoiding talking about it and trying to be a model husband in hopes WW would get sloppy and I would get recent evidence.
Thank you for all of your input these past months. Everyones input for that matter. When I was having a bad day I would come here for support even though I have not posted.
That's what we are here for. Unfortunately we all understand your pain. Continue to post for support, it will help.
Dr. Harley has spent 40+ years of research and found the way to help us all survive an affair. His program is what has saved so many of us, when followed.
Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?
Have you thought about ADs to help you through this?
I have SAA, purchased it just after I made my first post in March. I read it in the first week. I have thought about AD, I may need them to get through exposure. 30th anniversary is coming up the first part of next month, that should be loads of fun!
Has your wife read any of Dr. Harley's books and does she know about his program? I guess not since she refuses to give up opposite sex friendships with old lovers.
The first order of business is to get her to end contact for life with the ex-boyfriend. That is why you are being told to expose.
Your wife's attitude and independent behavior suggests she has poor boundaries with other men, and that is very dangerous to your marriage.
She needs to read Surviving An Affair with you and then you both need to get on the program.
It sounds like she has not checked out of the marriage, but that there is a danger of that happening should she resume contact with the old flame. Why not call the Harley's and set up marriage counseling with Steve Harley?
J3U, I would like to do that. We did counseling with our church pastor back when this all started. At the time she refused to continue, but now says she did not know he recommended further counseling. I would also like her to read SSA.
Yesterday when I was posting I did not seem to be communicating very well and causing some confusion. This seems to be one of my issues. Last week I was discussing an issue concerning my sister with my wife. My wife accused me of being passive aggressive in the way I wanted to handle it. My DD has said the same thing on occasion.
I am going to approach my wife with a complaint concernng contact with OM. I will be very clear about my need for all contact to stop and precausions to be in place to protect our mariage from further contact. I think this will not be successful but I must be very clear with her about my needs. I will follow Dr Harley's recommendations concerning complaints.
I plan on siting down with my children on Monday to tell them what has been going on in their life the last 4 years that I have hidden from them. My son lives across the state and we will be together then. I will adjust my exposure list based on the response I get from my wife this weekend. My pastor and close friend will get an exposure letter along with close family. If extrodinary precausions are in place I will leave OM out of it, except for the NC letter.
This is my plan. I will post my exposure letter after I have rewritten what ML has posted for me. Thank you all for your help so far.
She could have easily deleted the messages as she has done previously. She has an IPad and an IPod which I do not have spyware on. She also has a laptop at work that I do not have access to. I know my net has holes in it but I believe that their has been no contact with OM.
Why is there no spyware on the iPad?? You said that's what she uses the most... That doesn't make any sense to me !
SQ, I have easy access to the iPad and iPod but she seems to protect her phone the most. I decided to spend my money monotoring the phone. The phone (an android) is what she uses the most and what she used for the last contact with OM. I ment to say she uses iPad more than the iPod or home computer.
SQ, I have easy access to the iPad and iPod but she seems to protect her phone the most. I decided to spend my money monotoring the phone. The phone (an android) is what she uses the most and what she used for the last contact with OM. I ment to say she uses iPad more than the iPod or home computer.
Right, I believe you said earlier you would start with the phone and if nothing came up, you would then do the iPad.
We recommend putting keyloggers on all home computers and devices that you have access to, as you were advised to do earlier. Better to be safe than sorry.
I plan on siting down with my children on Monday to tell them what has been going on in their life the last 4 years that I have hidden from them. My son lives across the state and we will be together then. I will adjust my exposure list based on the response I get from my wife this weekend. My pastor and close friend will get an exposure letter along with close family. If extrodinary precausions are in place I will leave OM out of it, except for the NC letter.
This is my plan. I will post my exposure letter after I have rewritten what ML has posted for me. Thank you all for your help so far.
It would be a mistake to "adjust your exposure list" based on her reaction. What you plan is a "trickle" exposure which is a waste of time. It is just enough to infuriate the affairees but not enough to kill the affair. The purpose of exposure is to motivate her to end her affair for life and gain the support of others. Keeping it a secret helps the fantasy thrive. Her reaction could be to take it further underground and just tell you anything to get you off her back.
I am very concerned that you are looking for an easier, softer way out of this. Don't do that if you want to save your marriage.
This advice seems to have been ignored.
What has been said here and by Dr. Harley is children should always be told, even if the affair was 20 yrs ago. I need to tell them, who else should be told? Full list? Just family and parents?
I would keep this within a close circle of family and friends, in addition to contacting the OM's GF and the OM. I would send something to this effect to family and friends:
Dear friends and family,
I am writing you this message because you are an important person in the lives of xxxx and I. I am asking for your support in our marriage. A few years ago, I discovered an affair between WW and her old boyfriend, OM. I was devastated. This affair consisted of hundreds of messages of very sexual, personal content. They may or may not have met up at the time. I know it was planned and don't know if they followed through. Contact has been intermittent recently and WW has refused to end contact.
I want our marriage to recover from this affair. However, that cannot happen as long as this guy is hanging around my marriage waiting for an opening. I live a life waiting for the other shoe to drop. If you have any influence on my babe, please do what you can to get her to stop this affair once and for all. I want to stay married, but this must end.
As our friends and family, I am asking that you use your influence with xxxx to persuade her to end her affair and try to work on our marriage. Our marriage can be salvaged if she would only end this for life. Please support her in doing the right thing. Please support our marriage.
I would so appreciate your support and prayers. Thank you, Jaded Husband
Then forward your email to the OM's parents and his girlfriend, ccing that dirtbag:
Dear Mr and Mrs OM and SallyGF, I am forwarding you the email I just sent to our family and friends about the affair between OM and my wife. I felt strongly you should know about the affair since it has never ended. I am asking that you use your influence to persuade your son to stay away from my life forever. His interference in my marriage for the past XX years has been devastating to me and my children. Please ask him to stay away.
Thank you, Jaded Husband
Good morning all,
I have been on the forms for a long time but have not posted in over a year. You can go back and read my thread but the short version is I am in a marriage that has not recovered from my wife's emotional affair. When Dr. Harley answered a question for me he stated that the affair was not just emotional because of the history between my wife and OM prior to our marriage. He also stated that their is really no difference between the two anyway.
My question is how do I move forward when my wife refuses to look at Dr. Harley's material. At first I did not mention Marriage builders when she was in the the Affair. After the affair ran its course and died a natural death I began mentioning the web site and that it could help us. This morning after a discussion she said she would work threw some marriage material, just not Dr. Harley's.
I have to take responsibility for my failures in this, if I had done what was recommended here the outcome would not be an unrecovered marriage. I did do several things that were recommended. I told my adult children what had happened. I have also told a few friends and my pastor. I also have confronted the OM via text message when he contacted family members earlier this year. He stated that he had not planned to contact my wife and only wanted to visit with my father in-law. I told him to stay away from my wife and to stay out of my marriage. This occurred very near my wife's birthday. I have however not contacted OM girlfriend or his parents.
I do not want to give the impression that my marriage is in terrible shape. It is mostly the same as it was prior to my wife's affair. I now understand and believe Dr. Harley's material and am very interested in preventing any more affairs in my marriage. I understand the risks of a secret second life and opposite sex friendships outside of the marriage. I think about this at Christmas and at birthdays, because that is when contact always happened, even after the intense part of my wife's emotional affair was over. My wife has committed to never seeing or speaking with the OM again.
Is there other material out there that is similar to Dr. Harley's? Is there a way I can bring in his materials in a less direct way? (I am not sure I like the way that sounds). Trust has built in me through the checking I have done and the way my wife is acting, which is back to pre affair times. But I am still left waiting for "the other shoe to drop" Meaning I want to prevent this from ever happening again. I want to implement extraordinary precaution.
I know my post can serve as an example of what not to do. If nothing else it can serve that purpose but any additional help you can give me would be helpful. I very much appreciate the time and experience each of you brings to this forum.
Give her the SAA checklist. Is she willing to do it? As Dr. Harley likes to say, she doesn't need to believe In the program, just follow the steps.
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