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Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists. Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
Bellevue #2788562 03/12/14 04:05 PM
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Bellevue-thank you for your encouragement, I have lived with this for 4 years and it has been very hard on me. Sometimes I just feel like giving up. I have been researching spyware and although it is pricy, cheaper that a divorce.
I have started journaling about our conversations and my thoughts on this EA. It is interesting to look back and see the inconsistencies in what she says. When I would point this out to her, she thinks I take everything she says negatively.


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Princessmeggy- so very true! Should I post that on my facebook?


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Weary, are you talking about your journaling with your wife? I would keep that fact to yourself. You are in Plan A. Investigating, gathering intel, and making yourself attractive to her. The discussions with your wife about your past conversations about the EA should not be happening.
Work on being confident, strong, and cheerful if you can manage the latter. I know it's hard.
You are right, buying spyware, even hiring a PI, are all cheaper than a divorce.


Belle, Domestic Goddess
Bellevue #2788569 03/12/14 04:28 PM
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The journaling is private to myself. I started it to help keep my sanity. What was said in the past always seemed to change, now I can go back to the journal and see exactly what was said and my feelings at the time. It has been very helpful!


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WH,

Gamma- I do not know that much about the OM. I do know he has feelings for my wife. She does not deny this,

I think you should know about the OM because he is a threat to you marriage and needs to be driven off, I would contact his ex's and current and etc. They may be able to furnish you with information like how much OM cheated on them which at a later date you can use to show what a skunk OM is to your WW. Right now OM is a romantic object to your WW.

But says it has no Bering on her because she has no intentions of being with him. On some level I think she is leading him on, which is mean to him. Or she is not leading him on and promising him something I know nothing of.

OMs past is his future, guys like that enjoy keeping women on ice they are driven by entirely selfish motives and care nothing for your family. You need to know more about this OM so you can drop bombs on his life.

This relationship OM has with your WW is similar in some ways to the one they had in high school, except instead of your WWs parents paying the bills while she had her romance you are. That's one of the appeals of infidelity is that it is like our teen age relationships all fun and no responsibility.

God Bless
Gamma

Last edited by Gamma; 03/12/14 07:06 PM.
Gamma #2788599 03/12/14 08:56 PM
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Weary husband,
Your wife has been gas lighting you. I do not have the skills here to link up info about gas lighting and affects on the victim--- but you can do a search on this site and google it too. Gaslighting will make you feel crazy and divert your attention off the affair and numb your response because you will buy into her stories etc.

Educating yourself and getting intel will sharpen you. Push yourself to take the necessary steps as advised on this site. Your wife will keep helping you to stay numb and dumb about everything. So attempting to discuss your marriage woo's w/her will get you no where or worse help her maintain OM relationship. Get spyware, a PI, a voice activate recorder and gather gather gather while constantly projecting to her your best you. These acts are the best practices to bringing her back. Other stuff will just prolong your suffering and the drama/trama to your marriage.


BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren

"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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Originally Posted By: graceful2b
Weary husband,
Your wife has been gas lighting you. I do not have the skills here to link up info about gas lighting and affects on the victim--- but you can do a search on this site and google it too. Gaslighting will make you feel crazy and divert your attention off the affair and numb your response because you will buy into her stories etc.

\e.


Go to the source and watch the movie Gaslight

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This relationship OM has with your WW is similar in some ways to the one they had in high school, except instead of your WWs parents paying the bills while she had her romance you are. That's one of the appeals of infidelity is that it is like our teen age relationships all fun and no responsibility.

Gamma- I agree with the above statment. WW parents were aganst the relationship back then and it caused a lot of strife in WW home her last 2 years of high school. I will find out more about OM.

Graceful2b- I have recently put the definition of Gaslighting in my journal, so I have came to that conclusion also. I am going to follow the advice here, I will hope that I find nothing but be prepared for the worst. I still have a hard time believing my wife would do all this while professing that she loves me.


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Don't waste precious time and resources looking up "Gaslighting", which could also be described as "Fog Babble".

Why bother?

Just know that you can not believe ANYTHING an active wayward says and only about have of what they do.

LTL

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Just concentrate your focus on the proper snooping to find out and prove what your gut tells you.

Cell phone Spyware
GPS Tracker
Computer Keylogger
VAR hidden in her car and in home where she takes the phone in private with het.

Get the proven facts, then Expose!!!

LTL

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I have purchased SAA. Chapter 4 hit home when it talked about how the WW maintains a secret second life. My WW has done all of these except separation to be with the OM. Wow!


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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Brainhurts- Gaslighting can be more than just pertaining to the OM, that was very informative. I started seeing the behavior when I started journaling. I did so because I would always come out of discussions with my wife feeling like I was going crazy. It is very helpfull to be able to go back and reread what happened. Then my wife said I take everything she says negetivly.


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You should really watch the movie.
You may be able to find it on Youtube

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JK- I will look for it


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You should educate yourself about how to have a great marriage using MB principles. Have you read about the Policy of Joint Agreement? POJA - Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse. Do you see how your wife's OS friendship violates this rule? I just wanted to point this out, because even in the unlikely event that this situation turned out not to be an affair, it would still be wrong for her to maintain this friendship, and it should end anyway.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
mrEureka #2788887 03/14/14 10:18 AM
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MrE- I agree with what you just said. I have determined that the relationship 3 yrs ago was an EA(started 4 yrs ago and lasted about 1 yr). After that communications slowed way down but did not stop. After the communication in November my WW said she would probably never talk to OM again. She now states she will talk to him again and it is unreasonable for her not to communicate with him. I am wondering what I need to prove about how much they are communicating. I suspect that if they don't Speek for 6 months and then they communicate again it wil still be very painful for me. I know it was an EA and I also know an end to communication is "unreasonable". Should I move on to plan B right away? I am not sure talking to OM every six months or every day should make any difference in how I should respond. Any opinions would be helpful, Thank you.


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As a general rule, Dr. Harley typically recommends that husbands Plan A for about 6 months prior to plan B

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Weary, as with all MB secret weapons, do not share SAA with your wife. Don't read it while she is around, and don't leave the book lying anywhere she might spot it.
Good luck!


Belle, Domestic Goddess
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