Hello I am new here, I will give a few details and then ask my question.

I have been married for 30 years to a wonderful woman. 4 years ago she friended her old highschool boyfriend on facebook. They were very close in Highschool. This quickly turned into what I call an EA and she calls "catching up". He lives across the country so meeting was not possible except once when he came out here to see family. I was with my wife when they met that once. After about a year the relationship had little contact, Christmas and birthday plus some more posably.

Recently my wife spoke with him again. I had asked her to tell me when she spoke with the OM but she did not do this. Her facebook messenger stared beeping a lot so I looked to see what was up. She was away on a day trip and decided to message the OM on her phone. The conversation was nothing to get to upset about other than she did not tell me and deleated the messages shortly after the conversation. There were no facebook messages to or from him, all were deleated. When asked her about it later the next day she said she was going to tell me but did not have a chance. I found this very upsetting.

My wife and I have discussed this several times in the last 4 months. At first she said "she would probably never Speek with him again". Yesterday she brought it up again in relation to another issue we were discussing and she said this time "when I talk to him again" and "it is unreasonable for her never to Speek with him again. This also upsets me.
I decided this morning to send her the quote below that I read on this forum. I included a note explaining how I thought this was a danger for us and she should consider what the boundaries should be. Her response was to say "I should trust her with all of my heart". (I told her I loved her with all of my heart).

I do not know where to go with this, I do not even know for sure it was, or is, an EA. From what I have read I think this was an emotional affair when it first began 4 years ago. She thinks I am making things up in my head. I don't know any more, I might be crazy! If you need more details please ask. Any help would be appreciated.



I hope this makes sense and I am quoting properly. Thanks

Wearyhusband,

Dr. Harley would encourage you to "snoop" by installing spyware on her phone and home computer.

You need to read the messages they send each other; they are most likely sexually explicit at this point.

At this point, you should be in "Plan A" and snooping for further evidence.

You should also get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley ASAP...it is a guidebook for how to deal with an affair.

You should also hit Notify on your post and ask the mods to create a thread for you.

WearyHusband,

Ex'es of any kind are poison to your relationship with your wife.

Have you spoke with the, OMW, other mans wife? I half expect you to tell me that OM just got divorced.

The problem with Ex'es is that your wife has fond memories of OM and a positive love bank balance.

You also need to let this OM know that you will not tolerate his intrusions into your family life and you will take action by any means necessary.

I agree with JK if the messages were innocent WW would not have deleted them.

God Bless
Gamma

The OM was recently divorced when my wife began speaking with him on facebook. That was 4 years ago. When the relationship died down the OM moved across several states to be with a new girl friend, he is still with her. When my wife and I met him for lunch that was when he was moving to be with the new girl. I believe that was his way of saying to my wife, if you want me now is the time. That is a guess on my part and a product of many sleepless nights.
The communication slowed way down at that point, but has continued. At some point my wife started deleting his facebook messages, that is why I asked her to tell me when she speaks with OM. As you can see, she did not keep that promise.

JK- I have reread plan A. The first thing it says is "once the wayward spouse's mistake is acknowledged". She does not believe she has done anything wrong. When I called it an EA she became very upset.
I responded to you before but it went to the wrong thread. I am trying to follow plan A as far as filling her love bank. I have been doing that for most of the 4 previous years, and it is in my nature to care for my wife anyway.

WH,

The OM was recently divorced when my wife began speaking with him on facebook.

This is so textbook, I would speak with the OMexW anyhow, and then speak with OM girl friend.

YES it's an EA!

God Bless
Gamma

Well, Dr. Harley would not advise Plan A for 4 years. He typically advises plan A for no more than 6 months.

You need to focus on installing spyware on her phone and any computers.

You need to read these messages and obtain evidence.
In the meantime, do not ask her about OM or discuss it at all...just play along with the flow and Plan A

Gamma- "yes it is an EA". I did not know those words could evoke so much emotion. I feel relief, That means that I am not crazy! I feel sad that my marriage is in danger. I feel scared about what I am now going to have to do.

You pointed out something that I had never thought about, the OM recent divorce. How did she happen to look him up on facebook when he was going threw a hard time because of a divorce? Her wanting to friend him on facebook out of the blue must have been the first lie.

JK- thank you for confirming what my first step should be. I did not want to start unless I knew for sure it was actualy an EA. I know plan A should be only 6 months.

I have been doing internet research since November and have recently been able to put the term EA to what I have been feeling. I knew it was not a PA because of the distance, but was still very bothered by the situation. I have read a book called "Just Friends". My wife has said those words often in our discussion about the OM.

I will purchase the book SSA today. Thank you

Do I tell her that I now believe her relationship with the OM is an EA and tell her that if it continues it will cause the end of our Marriage? Or do you think that my not liking the relationship for the past 4 years is enough for her to end it without me saying those words?

WH,

There is a chance, and a 30% chance, that the communication with your WW was what triggered OMs divorce.

Did your WW go to a school or family reunion without you? Perhaps 5 or 7 years before? If so there is also a good chance OM and WW hooked up physically a One night stand sort of encounter.

Has your WW shown a marked lowering of sexual attraction for you, again TEXTBOOK.

Since this has been going on for a long time it does not need to be fixed immediately as WW will take the affair further underground. But you have to start monitoring your WWs communications.

God Bless
Gamma

I do not think that the OM divorce was caused by my wife. She told me he was devastated because of the divorce. That is one of the items she told me they talked about. By the way he has divorced twice and also had a long term relationship end between the two divorces. My wife has said " why would I want to get involved with someone like that". And said "all the same issues that were there when they dated are still there. He is a dreamer and does not stick to things.

I will have to give some thought to past possible meetings, I don't think that has happened but what do I know?

Our sex life has not been the best, she attributes that to the anti-depresents she is on for menopause and anxiety. I do however know that her and the OM had a healthy sex life back in high-school. If it was not for that fact I would not be as upset about this. My wife understands that is the source of my issues with this "friendship"

The relationship has already went further underground or all communication has stopped as she tells me. I have again asked her to tell me when she speaks with the OM, and she agreed to this. Several events around the use of facebook have given me the impression that my wife and the OM have found a new way to communicate where I will not discover it.

I am going to start monitoring her communications. I understand this does not need to be fixed immediately but I am not sure that after 4 years of this I have the heart to go threw what will be necessary to fix the marriage. I realize that something caused this to happen and part of that falls on me.

Weary,
Do not let her know you think she is in an emotional affair. This is time to go quiet and start snooping.

Put a keylogger on the computers.

Does she keep her cell phone close at all times? Is she on it frequently? Is it password protected from you? If the answer to these questions is yes, then something is definitely up.

WH,

By the way he has divorced twice and also had a long term relationship end between the two divorces.

Why does OM claim the relationships failed, could be OM is a serial cheater? Being a serial cheater is consistent that he was devastated by the divorce since OMs like to have their marriage(stability) and a girl friend too(excitement).

God Bless
Gamma

Sir this does need fixed immediately!
You need to spy, get evidence of the affair and then prepare for exposing it.
This is a serious issue....
Did you ever watch the TV show 24...when every minute counts?

Well every minute counts here.

3ofus-I will start being quiet. I do have access to her phone and iPad but when she thinks I am looking at it she gets mad at me. Their is no password on eather of her devices. Yes she is on them all the time.

Gamma- I do not know that much about the OM. I do know he has feelings for my wife. She does not deny this, but says it has no Bering on her because she has no intentions of being with him. On some level I think she is leading him on, which is mean to him. Or she is not leading him on and promising him something I know nothing of.

Dont speculate, just get the spyware installed on her phone and ipad.

Also, install a voice activated recorder in her car.

She may have an affair phone and be making phone calls in her vehicle

JK-I am working on spyware today. Just a side note, when the serious EA Was happening 31/2 yrs ago I would get notes midday from my wife for no reason. Since I had access to her email and phone records I discovered these mesages to me would come when she was communicating with the OM. It was to the point that when I got one of these messages for no reason I would go check for communications. Yesterday my wife sent me a message for no reason.

Get the spyware installed and just play dumb for now while you gather evidence.
I think you will find an established, ongoing affair; not only emotional but sexual in nature.

Also make sure that you are commiting no Love Busters, and working to meet her top emotional needs

Weary, follow the advice from the veterans here. Your wife is talking like my exH did. Your wife is talking like a heroin addict I currently know talks about her drug of choice. "Why would I .... [insert the action they are doing and lying about here] When [insert the rational argument about why they are not in an EA or sticking the needle in their arm, in this space]"

The EA is an addiction. First step is keeping the MarriageBuilders website as your secret weapon. Do not share it with your wife, don't talk about it with anyone you know in real life. Gather your intel. Look on the Operation Investigate section on the MB website.

They have gone underground. My ex got very good at sneaking contact with the OW. The heroin addict I know currently is another master at the art of scoring H, covering up, smokescreening her use with illnesses, real and fake.

Addicts risk everything they claim to hold most dear in the world.

Your wife getting mad when you look at her iPad and phone is because you are threatening her addiction.