September 10th was the day that my wife confessed her PA to me. I had already known, but just couldn't prove it. We have been in R ever since and our marriage is better than it has ever been. I know that I made a post on here about my gut feelings a few days ago, but the more I think about it the more I think it is just me allowing the pain to consume me. I have an obsession with the AP. I daily check his twitter and facebook (what is public anyways) which is my way of keeping tabs on him. I have a hatred for this piece of crap that I cannot get rid of. A hatred that has increased after I saw that he played his game with another girl and broke up her relationship. She was living with her boyfriend and has 4 kids.

I have been getting farther and farther away from my wife because the pain just seems to increase the longer we go. It doesn't help that she has gained a lot of weight.

My wife has been a model WS. She has done everything that I have asked her to do. The problem is that lately when I am having problems, she seems to be more annoyed than understanding. Almost like she has the attitude of the time for you to be hurt has been enough, get past it already.

I have asked her if she wants a divorce or separation. She always maintains that she is committed to me and our marriage and there is nothing that will ever change that. She says that her anger and frustration is more directed at herself for "being stupid and causing all of this" than it is at me.

I feel like I am once again not meeting my wife's needs and am pushing her away. Not intentionally though. I even sometimes feel like maybe I should go find some skank and have my own affair, even though I know that it would just make things worse.

I just want to be happy again. Trust again. Not be depressed. But yet I want to see that trailer trash looking dirt bag castrated!!!!!

Hi Sam. I am not familiar with your backstory, but if you do not go through the steps of this program and create a happy, romantic marriage you will end up with a crippled version of the pre-affair marriage. As a result, your resentment will grow and thrive year after year. That is why it is so important to create an affair proof marriage that is happy and fulfilled.

I would also suggest that you are keeping yourself triggered by looking at the dirtbags facebook page. Does he live anywhere close to you and your wife? Has she cut off ALL contact?

This jumps out at me as an obvious thing to stop doing. The scumbag isn't worth it.

Have you bought and read SAA, Surviving An Affair yet?

If not, then do so immediately and..... Follow The Program Instructions.

If yes, then have you followed through with a thorough Exposure to everyone of influence in your W's life and all contacts you can dig up on the POSOM?

Is he married or in any other steady relationship?

Expose to ALL of his immediate family and circle of friends.

Most importantly, did you Expose to all influential people in your W's life?

How did they initiate and continue contact?

Have you asked her to change all of her contact information, and if so, did she do it with enthusiasm and vigorously?

If she is not respecting the pain she caused you and expects this short period of time alone to medicate and alleviate your pain of betrayal, then she is still in her self entitled affair fog.

Believe None of what she says and only Half of what she does in verifiable actions.

List the EP's that the two of you have agreed to and implemented together.

How much Undivided Attention time are the two of you spending together each week pursuing pleasurable time together without discussing relationship issues?

If she is truly enthusiastic about healing your pain from her betrayal, will she start posting here to be guided in her efforts to restore the safety, passion and intimacy in your marriage?

That should give you a good start to begin healing, but if you never did a proper exposure and implemented proper EP's, then you will remain stuck and dwell on the resentments, rather than the fondness for her doing everything in her power to help you heal from the pain she herself caused.

LTL

Did your wife quit her job and end all contact with the OM? Did you expose her affair?

What things have you done to affair proof your marriage?

We have done everything in the plan except for exposure. I do not want anyone knowing and we live in a very small area where everyone knows everyone and it would effect everything in our lives. Both of us would lose our job. We would have to move but would have no money or job to move to. So it would hurt more than help in my opinion.

My wife has done everything that she has been asked to do without hesitation. I watch his pages like a hawk because I want to know where he is at and what he is doing. He no longer works with my wife but works for the same company in a different store now. He is a player that feels entitled to whatever woman he wants. He has moved on and like I said, he destroyed someone elses family already. But there is zero contact. She has volunteered the info when he has come into the store that she works at. But she does not talk to him at all.

But to expose him would mean retaliation from him and that would put my family in jeopardy. And me in serious jeopardy of hurting him badly.

I know that the exposure is a big part of it. I just don't see it as doing anything but harm in our unique situation. We live in a town of 200 people in a county of less than 20,000. Jobs are few and far between. We have 5 kids as well.

I have read His Needs, Her Needs as well as SAA. But for some reason I just cannot let go of the pain and my hatred of the AP.

What are EP's?????

I also have all of her passwords, she has him blocked on all social pages, and her phone is available to me whenever I want to see it.

EP is Extraordinary Precautions.
You can read about them here: www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

Sir, Dr. Harley is very clear that exposure is necessary.
He would encourage you to expose her affair and expose to OM family and friends also.

EP's = Extraordinary Precations.

Such as ensuring No Contact for life.

Every time she sees him or hears about him via the work place, it will trigger her fond memories of him.

EXPOSE!!!

Expose this POS to the upper management where he and his supply of fresh new conquests work.

You are too afraid too expose because "Maybe" there will be consequences.

How are things working out for you by NOT doing the Most Critical step mentioned in SAA?

Keep doing things your way, yet you expect different results.

So F'ing what if the town only has 200 people. People do forgive a repentant wayward for making mistakes, but they won't even give a dang once the next town gossip story makes the rounds.

She CHOSE to have an affair.

Now a repentant WW would choose to be titled Former WW by taking the necessary steps to heal you, your family and your marriage.

Did you expose to your children?

The truth will eventually come out when you guys can't reconcile and get Divorced.

Is she willing to post here for guidance from the vets on how to heal the scars from her betrayal?

LTL

No you haven't!


No contact (NC) for life is number one on the list and this is not "No Contact".

Dr Harley would probably advise you to move away from that town.

Do you have a keylogger installed on the computer she uses?

Do you have cell phone spyware installed on her cell phone?

Did she change her cell phone number after D-Day?

Did she change her e-mail address after D-Day?

You CAN'T believe what a Wayward says without verification.

LTL

Actually, it doesn't seem like you have done any of the steps required in SAA to recover a marriage after an affair.

No exposure was done. That is the 1st Biggie.

She still has contact with him! So you are forced into believing her, even though you already know that she is not trustworthy.

What parts of the program have actually been done?

LTL

I just skimmed through your first thread:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=169027&Number=2744760#Post2744760

You ignored a lot of the advice that was given.
~You were told that you must expose the affair once you had the evidence.
~It was pointed out that you were putting too much focus on the OM "preying" on your WW but that you needed to recognize her own shabby boundaries play as much as a role.
~And you were also told that you needed to snoop like a bloodhound but I see you have another thread asking about a phone tracker? Huh?

You are making some critical errors. This is typical for an enabling BS who doesn't want to acknowledge the addictive nature of an affair and how much of a risk the OP poses to their M. They just want to sweep the bad behavior of the WS under the rug and listen to their fogbabble...

To re-emphasize the purpose of exposure: Never EVER shield a wayward from the consequences of their actions. It will only backfire on you. You are being an enabler when you do this and the risk of the A igniting or a 2nd affair happening is very high.

We can't help you if you won't listen.

Just saw this.

The affair is still ON.

Another point that you should consider heeding.....

Don't quit posting!!!

This is a marathon, not a sprint.

You will need to be held accountable for taking the proper steps to give your marriage the best chance of properly being rebuilt and reconciled.

Report back and take the time and courtesy to reply to volunteers who make suggestions that align with Dr. Harley's MB program.

Take charge of the situation without getting paralyzed by fear of unknown threats of consequences.

Half measures don't work and you haven't yet done even that.

LTL

Here.
Extraordinary Precautions-Revised SAA

But all the EPs in the world won't help if she is still seeing the OM.

You need to expose and she needs to send a NC letter and remain in NC.

Is OM married?

You are far from doing everything.

No NC in place. For you and your WW.

WW and OM still work for the same business.

No exposure.

Not moving far away after D day. Being your town is that small it appears that you moving away is mandatory.

Sorry, but you are dead in the water. If you refuse to do anything to save your marriage you might as well get divorced now and save yourself several more years of an ongoing affair.

I give your marriage no hope whatsoever if you won't take the advice. Half measures will avail you nothing.

All the more reason to expose. This man needs to be stopped.