Hi everyone,

This is my first time posting after browsing around a bit. My story/questions are below: Forgive me for the length...

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 2.5 years. Within the past 5 years he has slowly begun to question everything I do. If I have a stressful day I come home from work and I'm quiet, just trying to unwind and think to myself about work and possible solutions to issues, etc. He automatically assumes I'm being grumpy, disinterested in him, hiding something, depressed... what not. Being quiet is how I have always handled stress. When he asks for me to talk to him about what is going on, I start talking about work things and what is stressing me out. From there, he always tells me to leave work at work and gets mad that I can't seem to talk about anything else. Well, he asked so I answered!

Also, his sister and I have a great friendship and she lives with us. We often go out to concerts or live shows and always invite him though he never wants to go. When we are out, he's constantly calling and asking when I'll be home. If we happen to run into a couple of his sisters' friends and hang out, he gets angry with me. If I come home 30 minutes after I said I would be home, he gets angry and calls me disrespectful. He claims he needs to know where I am at all times and who I am with in case something bad should happen to me. I find that this doesn't allow me to feel like myself. When ever he goes out with his friends, I don't call him, I don't ask when he'll be home... It's not because I don't care, it's because he deserves his free time, just like I do. But in our case, it really only goes 1 way - his way.

Another example: If we don't have sex for a few nights, he always says "it's ok, I know you're getting it from somewhere else... just tell me his name and I'll go." He accuses me of being unfaithful constantly. I work, come home immediately, spend the rest of the day/night with him, go to bed and repeat all over again the next day. When could I possibly have time to be unfaithful?

He also accuses me of lying all the time about the smallest things. An email he thinks I sent, a phone call comes in to the wrong number but he thinks I really knew who it was all along... Really stupid things.

I am the sole provider for our household as he hasn't held a job in over 2 years. Is all of this because he is insecure about himself? He is a super cold person who doesn't like to open up and believes that a man should not be weak. But this seems so controlling. The fact that I can't go by myself on a nice day to a park and read a book without him thinking I'm sneaking off to have an affair.

He is also super judgmental. Some days there is absolutely nothing I can do right. Before him, I was independent, now I am starting to feel like I have to look to him to see if I am doing something right. That is a feeling I do not like!

Throughout our whole marriage we have been 100% faithful to each other, as far as I know. So I really do not have a clue why he is so controlling and judgmental all of the sudden.

Any advice?

DJ,

Was he cheated on in prior relationships or marriages?

God Bless
Gamma

Welcome to marriage builders.

The good news is your problem is extremely easy to fix. Your husband does not feel insecure, he feels rejected and by you. The solution is therefore entirely in your hands, luckily.

If you follow MB policies he will feel satisfied and happy in no time.

The policy of Undivided Attention will get you out of the house in fun situations, generating fun conversations. As you've discovered it's no fun to stay home and talk about work.

If you follow the Policy of Joint Agreement, you will stop indulging in behaviour that makes him unhappy. Instead make decisions that you both agree with.

I'm sure he feels terribly rejected that you make your social plans with others, even strangers, and he is only welcome as a tag along.

I experienced this in my marriage - it is called independent behaviour and involves someone making plans they know makes their spouse unhappy. I divorced my husband and I am much happier in an integrated relationship with someone who enjoys spending time with me instead.

IB is a love buster - your H is now indulging in anger and withdrawal - a clear sign he is at his wits end and losing love for you.

The fact that you're here shows you'd like to fix things. Happily it's easy to do. Just make your H your best friend and your first priority for a fun hang out. Stop making decisions which exclude and upset him. It will be miraculous.

Good luck

Welcome to MB.

Have you read these?
Start Here First-Welcome Aboard

How much UA time are you getting with your DH?

Will you take a polygraph to prove your innocence to him?

I agree with Indie about spending more time together. I also think his unemployment is a big issue. Men measure their self worth largely by their work. Being out of work is a crisis for most men.

It sounds like you don't have kids. If that is the case, what does your husband do in the day? The stress of not working and being inadequate is probably what is making him so insecure with you. Doesn't excuse his behavior, but it explains it.

Is he looking for work?

Additionally, 'insecure' is a Disrespectful Judgement. It's actually very astute of him to fear an A. If you don�t spend time with him, and only others, the chances of you falling out of love with him (already you don't care much about his pain) and in love with someone else is pretty high.

The other DJ is the word 'controlling'. While I don't condone his use of anger and insults, labelling him as controlling or insecure does not give you a free license to be thoughtless.

I agree being out of work is a tough time for men. So the fact he has such a big job on his hands trying to keep hold of his marriage too is an unnecessary extra stress.

Wow, thank you all for the advice!

Gamma: He was cheated on in a past relationship. His dad also wasn't in the picture much and left his mom for someone else.

Indiegirl: I can't see how he feels rejected by me, because I always include him in whatever I wish to do, he just always refuses to go. In the meantime, I do EVERY activity he wishes to do. We fish together almost every day, hike, camp, relax at home, movies, cooking, etc. It's only when I want to be in a social setting that he refuses to come with. I desperately want him to come and enjoy time out in a social setting like we used to, but he always refuses and makes it hard for me to enjoy myself.

Brainhurts: When not at work, he gets my undivided attention. We are together 24/7 except when I'm working. Which is a M-F, 8-5 job. We have plenty of free time that we spend together.

Prisca: Absolutely, I have offered that to him. I've shown him phone records, texts, emails... I'll leave my phone at home sometimes and say I "forgot" it, but really doing it to make him understand that he can trust me.

Justthe3ofus: When he is at home all day, he doesn't do anything. Maybe play call of duty, but basically watches TV. Doesn't clean or do laundry. I believe he is in a funk of some sort.

Indiegirl: Everything I do, I do for him. As the sole provider for the household, I make sure his needs are met before mine. I don't buy clothes, get my nails done, etc. I do what he wants to do all the time but he refuses to do anything that I want to do and give me a hard time for wanting anything.

Hope this helps clarify some questions. Thanks again for all the help. It's greatly appreciated.

Sorry if I missed this. Why isn't he working?

Can you look up PoJA? If you both follow PoJA you can put an end to this tit-for-tat, take turns system which works for no one. Doing what he wants then expecting him to do what you want will NEVER work.

Your H should refuse to do something if he does not want to do it. As should you. You need to sit down and properly agree on something you BOTH want to do. If you follow PoJA you will restore romatnic happiness.

Dates which are PoJA'd ensure you are "together at your happiest". I'll abbreviate that to TAYH for ease.

If you strong arm him into doing something he doesnt want to =
No TAYH

If you go along with something he likes, but you don't =
No TAYH

A plan to do something you both enjoy =
TAYH.

You can carry on doing what you like when you like knowing it makes your H unhappy - however you will have to accept that consequence. If you act regardless of his feelings you will lose his love.



I dont see how when you dont socialise and live with a relative. To be in love couples need 15 hours ALONE and out of the house. Preferably four four-hour dates a week.

Conversation and sex is impossible without this foundation!

Have you read this?
A Summary of Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts