I have posted here and there, but mostly have been lurking. I just don't know what my next step is.

I found out in November that my husband had been involved in an EA. He did admit that he kissed her so I guess that makes it a PA. From what I can tell she broke it off (he now tells me her husband found out) This all happened before I found MB. Although I believed it was over, I continued to be vigilant. I got HNHN and we both read it although he wasn't imipressed by it.

A couple of weeks ago I became aware that he was meeting the OW for a drink after a board meeting they had together. I followed them and left a note on his car saying I hoped they had a good time together. When he came home we talked, he said he met her to prove to himself that they could just be friends. He seemed so remorseful and sorry that he hurt me. The next day he sent me a text saying he would cut off all contact with her. We talked some more and he said he would stop all of his female friendships. Well yesterday I came across another email from her asking him if they were still meeting for lunch today. He said no he couldn't make it but clearly he hasn't told her he won't be seeing her anymore. I am steaming mad and am having a really hard time even speaking to him, let alone being nice.

A big problem I have is that his phone and computer are work issued so i can't install anything on them. I can get on his ipad sometimes, but he deletes the emails...luckily for me he leaves them in the trash folder.

I am so ready to expose but I just don't feel like I have enough evidence at this point.

Do you all have any suggestions for me?

Hi Lola, welcome to Marriage Builders. My advice would be to expose the affair wide and far. You have more than enough evidence. Start with her husband and work through her facebook contacts. Then go to all your family members, children, close friends.

Please go read my exposure thread for talking points, best practices, etc.


I am pretty sure you CAN install almost anything on them unless you are hooked up to the company server. If you can't, then I would insist that he find a way for you to monitor them or he can get rid of them.

Did you forward his deleted emails to yourself?

I'd say you have plenty of evidence since he has admitted to kissing her. Obviously you need to expose to her husband.

Try this. Send him a text or email asking him something about the kissing and meeting her. That way you will have his confession in writing. You can also use this tactic with the OW. It's the evidence I used when I exposed to the OMW. I called him on the phone to confront him, threatened to expose him if he didn't tell me everything (waywards fear exposure above anything else), and recorded the conversation. I played it for his wife.

LL,

Polygraph, STD testing, then exposure with the results of the polygraph.

God Bless
Gamma

His Needs, Her Needs is definitely not the right book for your situation. You need to get the book Surviving An Affair. Dr. Harley says says reading just HNHN in your situation will give the wrong idea about what caused his affair. You can get the SAA e-book from Amazon and be reading it on your computer or phone in minutes.

I would also read the thread Exposure 101, which will get you started on gathering evidence and what to do with it.


That is patently absurd. They cannot just be friends. Every contact he has with her will be offensive to you, the woman he has promised to care for, and the woman he already owes big time for hurting so badly.


I wouldn't let that stop me!

Yes

Good job.

Did you read the Exposure 101 thread?

I have read the exposure thread...am I being an idiot thinking that they really might just be friends at this point?

If he agrees to no contact and follows through is there still a need for exposure?

OW is married, correct?

Her husband needs to be told.

You are joking, right?

Absolutely! The reason he won't end contact is because you are helping him and his girlfriend hide their affair. They don't have to end it. You are an accessory to the crime!

All he has to do is lie to you about ending contact and you will aide and abet the affair. It is hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler.

YES

Let me ask you a serious question. If a heroin addict changes the name of his heroin to baloney and continues shooting up will he be sober?

My point is that your husband and skanky have romantic feelings for each other. Therefore, they can no longer call their relationship a "friendship." "Friends" do not have romantic feelings for each other.

The longer their "friendship" [whatever cute name you want to call his affair] goes on, the more entrenched his affair becomes and the harder it will be to save your marriage.

Even if that were possible, it would still be hell on earth for you. EVERY contact he has with her is going to be offensive and hurtful and traumatic for you, whether it's called "friends" or anything else.

Don't make an excuse to not do anything - if you do nothing, it's not going to get better. It will only get worse.

If you do nothing, you might as well start packing your bags for a hospital stay, because you are going to wind up with severe trauma, emotional, and possibly physical, problems.

I urge you not to stand by and let this continue, because it is going to be the worst thing you've ever been through.

Lola, are you friends with men you've kissed while married to your husband? That sounds absurd, right?

So why are you thinking that?

Lola, if your husband admitted to kissing, that's just the tip of the iceberg.
Having lunch to see if they can still be friends is like an iv drug addict out of rehab taking a little hit of his drug to prove that they can control their addiction.
He might be able to take small hits for awhile, or for his first, second or third time, but once he sticks the needle in his vein he's an addict again.

I hear you all. I know it doesn't matter,but the kiss was 6 months ago and he did not see her from December until last week.

Today I asked him if someone he knew was threatening physical harm to me what would he do...he said he would do anything and everything he could to protect me. Then I told him that his relationship with her is a threat to me...a threat to my emotional health and my well-being. I told him he can do what he wants with that information. At this point I plan to sit back and keep watching for his next move.

In all honesty I'm getting a little tired of it. Is it normal to not be sure if you really want put in the effort?

Did he take a polygraph to prove this? Because if it's just his word, he is lying.


Then your M is going to fail. Right now is not the time to "sit back". You are going to have to get up and get moving despite not feeling like it. Ever heard the saying "a stitch in time saves nine"? That could not be more true than in this situation...the sooner you get snooping, find out EXACTLY what is going on, expose and end the A, the sooner you can get into recovery and the less work you will have to do in the long run.

Your plan should be:

~Expose far and wide.

~Snoop, snoop, snoop

~Have him write a NC letter

~Have him take a poly. Prepare yourself that this is a full-blown PA because that is almost always the case, I am sorry to say.

Hang in there...if you follow the plans here you have a great chance of pulling through this. Those who follow the plans here and act QUICKLY have the best chance at success.