Hello All,

A few days ago, my husband sat down with me and said he wanted a divorce (8 years together). This came as quite a shock, as I felt we had an idyllic and blessed life together with our two young children. Apparently my opinion, not his. Even more devastating to me is the fact that he was very adamant about it and does not want to work things out. He has been searching for an apartment the past two days and sat down with me to go over what will be our "new" budget situation, primarily to ensure he could identify an apartment in his price range and also to ensure I was aware of all the bills I needed to pay and how much money we would both have left over. He currently manages all the money, so the household debts will be a new responsibility of mine.

Our life is very stressful. We both work full time and there has been little time for romance. Even when there is time and we are able to get away, we enjoy each others company, but it is just two stressed people having a great time temporarily. We never get to the point where we can truly relax and recapture the "magic". Although he says everything is fine in this respect and it is definitely not the reason, I know I could have made more time for "us" and made time for us a priority. Both of us are good parents and want the very best for our children. We have been a strong family unit for them and our lives revolve around them. This will be devastating for them. I never wanted to hurt them and I do not believe in divorce.

I have realized this is all my fault. These are the reasons for his wanting a divorce: I have not given him a voice in this marriage or our relationship. I have been somewhat controlling and demanding. I don't respect him or his ideas (e.g., how to raise/discipline the kids). I have a counter argument for everything he suggests. I never just listen and go with it without first showing my distrust or negativity.

He is a good, kind man and did not deserve to be treated poorly. Sure he has some faults and can get mean during arguments, but those arguments stem from his unhappiness with how I have acted. I don't have a lot of common sense when it comes to learning what is appropriate and what isn't when dealing with people. I do learn very well, but only after I realize I have either made a fool of myself, hit a brick wall, or am able to see the writing on the wall. It just doesn't compute until I can see clearly what isn't working for me. Once that happens, I never repeat. This is one of those come to Jesus moments.

I know I will never jeopardize my love or my family again. I will never treat him that way again. it should have never happened in the first place. I am foolish, stupid, and carelessly destroyed my marriage. He does not know it could be any different and why should he. He only knows how he feels now and I respect that.

The problem is that I feel like there should be an extra step in all of this. A separation? Just a little time? He wants to quickly move out and on to divorce. In my eyes, the focus will be on the divorce and getting that done. No time to prove by actions that I can be a good wife to him and fulfill his emotional needs.

I don't know what to do at this point. I have remained positive and happy the past few days and he has responded very well to that. We have gotten along great. We are best friends. I even sent the kids away overnight last night, so we could have some time alone. He was hesitant and defensive at first, but eventually we were able to have a good heart to heart talk and yes, the magic appeared. Yet, he is still leaving. He had to leave first thing in the morning, so we haven't had a chance to talk today, but I'm confident his mind hasn't changed after one special night.

Do I just accept this is our fate and move on? I know I can't prevent him and I don't have a choice in the matter. It makes no sense to fight it, as I know this will drive him further away. I guess I am just scared and wanted to tell someone. So thank you for listening. I have no idea how I am going to manage the household alone, keep up the house, be there for my kids, work long hours...it all just makes me sick to my stomach. My best friend, my husband, is leaving and I feel shattered and I know it is only going to get worse. I don't know where to go from here.

Welcome to MB.

Why did he "have to leave" this morning? Work?

He had to go visit his mother. She isn't doing well. His father recently passed away. It is a long drive. I am assuming he probably also wants to tell her in person about his plans.

Hi walkonsunshine, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here.

Did he tell you something along the lines of "I love you but am not in love with you?"

Hi MelodyLane, I believe his words were "I don't love you" but he has shown me love recently. We even went on a trip together a couple weeks ago. Maybe he was just holding everything in and those weren't his true feelings.

He has said he doesn't want to say or do anything to give me hope. By saying "your actions have made me not love you anymore" is pretty finalizing to me, with little wiggle room for hope.

WOS, I am sorry to tell you this, but it is very likely he is having an affair. The solution to a bad marriage is to work to turn it around. The fact that he is not willing to do that is an indicator of an ulterior motive.

Your husbands behavior is the CLASSIC behavior of a cheating spouse. They rewrite history to paint the past as horrible for them. They blame their leaving on the sins of the other spouse and will magnify and manufacture grievances. The fact that your husband says he is not in love means he has a new point of comparison.


What do you do with this information?

I would not ask him if he is having an affair, but quietly start snooping to gather the evidence. A good PI can get the goods in about 2 days. If that is too pricey, you can slip a GPS on his car, a keylogger on his computer and phone and a VAR in his car.

Do as much snooping as possible this weekend. Check his phone bill to see who he is speaking to.

I would also call his mother this weekend. You will probably find he is not there.

Whatever you do, DON'T ASK HIM IF HE IS HAVING AN AFFAIR! He will just say no but you will be giving him a heads up. If he has a heads up, he will just work harder to hide the evidence.

IF he is having an affair, do you have any idea who she would be?

If you will gather this evidence and bring it back to us, we can help you save your marriage.

The purpose of bringing up all of your past "sins" is to keep the focus on YOU and take it off him. It is typical for a wayward spouse to claim he has been "unhappy for years" even though you have evidence to the contrary. This is how a WS justifies his affair and keeps his spouse off balance. The goal is to keep you focused on your own failings so you won't look at HIM.

There is absolutely another woman involved. People who have "just fallen out of love" do not abruptly move out into another apartment. Time to go to war, please request your thread to be moved to the affair section. He has not moved out yet, you have a very critical time frame here to fight this affair and save your marriage.

I fell out of love once - all he had to do was demonstrate that love again, and keep it up - to fall in love over again. There is anguish and long hesitation about breaking up a family (also with two small children). An abrupt move out? No - there is another woman involved, absolutely, no question.

I agree with the others.

Have you checked his phone? Have you done any snooping?

I really hope this is not the case. I hear everything you are saying, but I don't see how this could ever be possible. I know where he is every minute of the day and he has no free time to do anything. We even drive to and from work together and go to all the kids events together. I truly think this has been part of the problem. The man has no space. He always leaves his phone out in the open and I never see any messages or emails out of the ordinary. We even have a joint email account. Just yesterday i noticed he created a new email for the purposes of moving out.

He doesn't make decisions lightly. He is not one to shoot from the hip. Every decision is always deeply thought about, researched and calculated. He claims to have agonized over this for quite awhile. He says he has thought about the repercussions, and knows the stakes. He is deeply saddened by it all.

I am not discounting the possibility, but I just don't see it or suspect it. Maybe I have just emasculated him to the point where he finally closed up/gave up for the sake of his own happiness. Maybe I have been so overbearing and impossible to live with to the point that he truly doesn't think I will ever change. He has said this.

You have definitely given me food for thought and if this is the case I will find it hard to trust another man. He has always been very loyal and has never given me a reason to not trust him. He is one of those good guys that only come along once in a lifetime. He is truly caring and responsible, family oriented, etc.

Most betrayed spouses tell us this because they don't realize how easy it is to carry on an affair at work. Most affairs are conducted at work and no one is the wiser. We had one wayward whose wife drove him to work every day because he was crippled. She knew where he was every minute, yet he carried on an affair at work for years. It never showed up on his phone or email account either.

it is very easy to carry on an affair at work and communicate directly or via office phones or even through secret "burner" phones. Even the dumbest wayward knows how to set up a secret email account.

The reason you don't see it is because you don't know how clever people are when they are having an affair. We see it every day.

Have you verified his whereabouts today?

Could he be seeing someone in his mother's town? That is fairly common.

Check this out:


here

I rarely call his mother and he would wonder why I didn't just call his phone. He would think I am being meddlesome and I am afraid to appear clingy or needy at this critical point. Our phones have GPS tracking but I never had to use it. Any clue how this works? Will he be able to tell on his end?

He is abandoning your family - you have the right to take the steps to figure out if you are being replaced with another woman. That is not "meddling", it is saving your family. If you sit back and let all this happen, you will be divorced anyways. Take your fighting chance.

I would find a reason to call his mother. He is probably counting on the fact that you don't call her. Call her up to chat and ask how she is doing. Then ask to speak to your husband. He is your husband and you have a right to know everything he does.

Not sure how the GPS works, but I would get it figured out before you call [if you can] and see where he is.

Thanks Alis and MelodyLane! I will see if I can muster up enough courage to place the call and figure out the tracking.

We know you can do it!!

FIRST see if you can figure out the GPS tracking and see where he is. If he is close by, I would just drive to his location.

It's not clingy when you're fighting for your marriage and protecting your family.