My wife and I have been trying to reconcile after my affair. D-Day was end of December 2013, so we're about 2 1/2 months in.

We had been doing great, especially after reading "After the Affair" and starting "Getting The Love You Want". That last book, in particular, really struck me as something that could really finally help us move past our old patterns of arguing and get to the source (Imago Therapy style).

I have been going to individual since the affair, joined Al-Anon for family history of alcohol. Initiated no contact immediately. She has been telling me that I'm doing all the right things and showing proper remorse through my actions.

We started marriage counseling 2 weeks ago and the first session went swimmingly... but the 2nd, really touched on some childhood stuff for her (which I've known for a long time has been there) and after she was ready to file for divorce. Apparently my too-tentative approach with her "are you alright?" instead of an immediate hug and love proclamations made her lose it. She didn't speak to me for 2 days, and after, declared she didn't want to go back to therapy with me and that she wants to "go it alone" in terms of our healing together.

I very hesitatingly agreed, because at that point, she made it clear there was no choice of going back to therapy together.

So we just had our first weekend where we were able to really talk things through and it was just a disaster. She was pushing me really hard on needing to "let go" of a past discretion she made.

Our history is that she also cheated on me prior to marriage, so when I say things like "I understand what you're feeling" she feels it's condescending. I understand that as well and would like to better respond without making her feel I'm trying to minimize her experience.

But she was pushing me really hard to talk through all my negative emotions about her cheating and "get it out" so that it was over with, because she didn't want to hear it anymore. I knew that wasn't going to get us anywhere because it wouldn't go away, so I basically asked that we not "go there" right now and come back another time when were are cooler.

Her feeling is that unless she pushes me into uncomfortable territory, we make no progress. Mine is, let's talk about it, but not make it a screaming/blaming match. Wait till things cool off.

I guess I'm just looking for advice on how to better help her through this particular issue. She has never shown me any true remorse for what she did, and the full burden is now on me to do it all for her, without a hint of her actions. It's hard not to include it in the mix, because it IS part of our relationship.

I'm sure you'll all set me straight here because I know I need to man up and just be there for her, but I feel I do have a right to at least say "let's wait a bit on that topic" when we're both shaking from the intensity of emotions.

Thoughts? Feedback? All appreciated.

Thanks!

Hi Cutsdeep, welcome to Marriage Builders. Dr Harley's approach to recovery after an affair is quite different from what you have been doing so far. Please go check out all the links in "Start Here First" to familiarize yourself with his program. Good luck.

Welcome to MB, I'm not a veteran by any means, I'm just over a 11 months into recovery with my BS. What I can tell you, is if you are serious about saving your marriage, you MUST do whatever the vets tell you, it will not be easy, you will probably feel attacked, the questions asked of you will not always be pleasant BUT they will put you on the right track ~ I know because they helped save mine.

Hi CutsDeep, welcome to Marriage Builders. The "Start here first" link that MelodyLane mentioned is at the very top of this surviving an affair forum. Once you have read that, please come back here and feel free to ask questions. People will be happy to help.

Your wife's cheating on you prior to marriage doesn't really enter into the equation.

How long have you been married?

Welcome to MB.

Have you read this?
Surviving an Affair-Start Here First

Thank you all. I hadn't realized the site was based on a particular approach, so thank you for sending me to the "Start Here" information... really helpful.

I know I just backslid really hard, <<<EDIT>>>

We're in a better place, but feeling quite fragile. There is definitely some repair work I need to do.

We've been married 12 years. Both 44 years old.

What are you going to do to affair proof your marriage?

Have you been tested for STD/I?