No work ipad. No second phone. To date she hasn't checked work email from home. Nothing in the logs for facebook to suggest anything out of the ordinary.

She has certainly gone out of her way the past few weeks to not be so distant. Clearly she is trying to regain my "trust" but I have made it clear that will not happen if she continues hiding things from me - which includes whatever she is doing through her work email. She of course says there is nothing to hide. So we are at a stalemate there.

...yet she hides it. Actions, not words will reveal the truth.

Why do you say this? Have you shared with her What 'trust building' would look like to you?

It would be a good sign if she is using Policy of RH and POJA with you.

I encourage you to rip your home apart and looking for 'affair tools'. They might be there and you just haven't found them yet.


I pray for you that she has nothing to hide!

**EDIT**

That advice is misplaced and out of sequential order.

Yes, you do have to attempt to meet her emotional needs, but her Love Bank will be closed off to your attempts until the Affair and it's related Fog are broken up and made public to whomever even has the slightest influence on her, either verbally or just in her imagination, wondering what they think about the choices she is pursuing.

LTL

The poster already suspects that his W may be having an affair. She has had one affair that they did not properly recover from. The way to alleviate one's fear of the unknown is to find out what's going on.

And the problem is that waywards most often lie about having an affair, so the only way to discover one is to snoop without the wayward spouse knowing. The more the spouse tries to hide, the more an affair is suspected.


Affair-proofing a marriage requires meeting each others most important ENs, avoiding love busters, transparent and integrated lifestyle, and instituting Extraordinary Precautions.

Unfortunately, wayward spouses close their love banks to their spouses. So while it's very important to meet whatever ENs the WS allows them to, and it's very important to eliminate love busters, it's also very important to find out what's going on - ie snoop using all tools available.


That's why the betrayed spouse needs to find out what's going on. She is not going to tell him she's having an affair. And an affair is a painful betrayal, whether it's emotional or physical.


If the wife is having an affair, he can trying meeting her needs, but she will close her love bank to him. Hence, the need for tools to find out what she's doing, so he can blow up the affair.


He certainly must be her most enjoyable companion throughout life's ups and downs. Unfortunately, since she has poor boundaries around men, she has probably allowed OM to meet her EN.


Good idea. He needs to be a terrific man now, providing a safe and loving environment, so she will know that home is a safe place to be. But he needs to work on finding out what his wife is doing when she's not with him to rule out an affair.

**EDIT**

**EDIT**

Do not disrupt this thread again! The purpose of this forum is to assist posters with MB concepts. Please familiarize yourself with those concepts before posting to others. This is not a platform for personal philosophies. Any questions, send me an email. Thank you, Denali

Just checking in, no new news to report. Still get the feeling that something is not quite right, but haven't had an opportunity to do any additional sleuthing, and not sure when the next opportunity will present itself. We had a pleasant weekend away a few weeks back which was nice, but the intimate connection we once had just seems to be gone. No other way to describe it.

At any rate, things are status quo for now. Will check in periodically (or more if there is something to report).

If she's having an affair from her workplace a PI may be the way to go.

What about hiring a PI now?

Considering it, but don't really have the extra money at the moment to have her watched endlessly with no real reason to do so. Was hoping to get an inkling elsewhere that would lead to a focused investigation.

So I'm back. Recently we were away on a vacation, my W used my tablet to check on her work email, and must have saved the password on the tablet, as I was able to open it a few days later.

Unfortunately it looks like she has been talking with someone for quite a while, and it definitely counts as cheating from what I glanced through. There may have been no physical cheating yet, but I can't imagine it will take long for it to happen.

She has no idea I was able to get in to see this, and I have mentioned nothing yet. Not sure how to approach now. DO I continue to lay low and build a case, or do I come right out and confront?

I am predictably upset by the discovery, hoping and praying my feelings were wrong the past 6-8 months, but clearly I have been lied to (again). I just don't get it. I love my W dearly, and this is just another dagger through the heart.

Feeling lost.

Oh, and before you ask, her company has her change passwords frequently, and it has already changed so I am locked out once again... for now anyway.

Don't confront just yet.

Do you know who the person is? It it someone she works with? What kind of work does she do again?

Yes, what can you find out about the OM?

Did you forward any of the emails to yourself?

Don't know who the OM is. And didn't think fast enough to forward some of the messages off before the password changed. It is not someone she works with though.

"She has no idea I was able to get in to see this, and I have mentioned nothing yet. Not sure how to approach now. DO I continue to lay low and build a case, or do I come right out and confront?"

Cb, this is all taking way too long. The longer it goes on, the harder it is to bust up the affair. I would get the goods ASAP and move this forward.

What is his email address? You should be able to easily find his name and even Facebook page that way. Did you get his name?