Hi All,

This is my first post here. It's so good to see that so many other people are here with similar issues. It feels very good that we are not alone!

My story: 4-5 years ago my wife had an affair. We separated for half year. My wife returned to me as our little boy was my son. He born that time.

Now he's 4 year old, and my wife restarted her affair. She told me they didn't communicate for 4 years, but now she was so desperate that she needed to restart the relationship with her lover. She didn't stopped thinking and dreaming about him. Meanwhile our second baby also arrived. Both little fellow are my sons.

We made an analysis why did all happened. The "Her needs..." book helped a lot for me to reflect my own issues. Her biggest issue is the lack of my attention, and she's also lost her sexual desire towards me. She is saying that probably she never loved me, she had always issues with me (lack of physical attraction). There are some details I don't want to share here. So there are some issues with my face, which is sad

Anyway, I remember when she loved me, although she doesn't. I cannot believe that our first two-three years would have been fake. Why would you marry someone who you don't like?

Now, I'm following Plan A. I'm trying to create comfortable atmosphere at home. I'm taking care of her. I don't ask for sex. We laugh a lot and we are having good times with the kids together. There are some horrible, bad days, anyway.

She stopped any communication with her lover (the pause took one month), and one or two weeks ago they are mailing again. She told me it's better as she still loves him, and without these messages she would fall into small pieces. And anyway, she is realizing that that man is not a prince on white horse. She told me she want to close it, but she doesn't want to play this fantasy-game again.

The fact is that that man lives 3500 miles from us in a country which is not easy to be visited. The guy has a family and a little kid. So they can meet very rarely. Their only chance if he leaves his child behind. So my wife has a terrible bad feeling that she cannot be with her lover because of outer circumstances.

So, she told me, this affair doesn't have future, she is trying to solve our issues and coming back to me. In my opinion she feels some kind of shame, she's afraid of loosing friends, etc. I'm a quite good father, she appreciate this fact. Her family commitment is satisfactory.
She told to her friends that I'd be an optimal husband but the lack of physical attraction.

Plan A seems to be working, because she is more and more friendly, and our relationship is improving, but...

How long should I be patient with this ongoing communication and double-speech? I understand her feelings. I understand that she loves that man, not (just) me anymore. The withdrawal is painful enough.

What should I do? I realized what's happening only two month ago.

I feel she is falling two pieces. One piece wants to be with her loved one, and one piece wants the be part of our family.

Have you exposed her affair?

Hi GN, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here.

First off, you are reading the wrong book. The right book is Surviving an Affair. If you had that, you would know that Dr Harley advocates EXPOSURE. Everyone should know about her affair: her parents, your parents, friends, family, and most especially the OM's wife and family. Everyone should know the news about her wonderful new "love" with the OM.

The OM's wife might not be as excited as their little love affair and may bust them up.

I would expose this affair without forewarning her. Go read the exposure thread that is linked in my signature and use the helpful hints and templates there.

After you expose the affair, you should DEMAND that she never ever see or speak to the OM again or this will lead to divorce. Does she want a divorce?

Once you do this, I predict the OM will drop her like a hot potato. OM are punks and cowards who run at the first sign of trouble.

Once you do this, she will go through withdrawal from this dirtbag and THEN you will be able to meet her needs and save your marriage.

I read that second book as well. But I don't think that a radical expose would make sense.

First of all, everybody has already knows about this affair years ago, as we lived in different houses when she was pregnant with my boy.

Her family and her closest friends also knows about the re-start, it's exposed.

In wider circle, I don't understand this exposing. What is the sense of this? For me it seems quite cruel, I don't want her to feel shame.

Dr. Harley suggest exposing at work as they're co-workers (although in different countries). We are living not in the USA but in post communist Europe. Here an affair is not a deadly sin or not even a shame. If I'd expose it world-wide, it would jeopardize my wife's carrier as the industry is really small.

The second is, that her lover lives in a different country. They don't have common friends. I don't know his friends. Not even her wife. He's not on facebook, I cannot connect his wife.

The third is that we are living in a third country at the moment. We are pretty alone here, however we are moving back soon tp our home-town.

So changing my signature probably wouldn't solve anything but would cause further troubles,

Feeling shame is a sign that she has a conscience. Good people do feel shame about being bad. That is a good thing, not a bad thing. She should feel ashamed!

Exposure targets should be your families, close friends and most especially the OM's family.


We didn't tell you to expose it "world wide" though. However, you should give your wife 30 days to find a new job or you should expose it to their employer. Her career might be jeopardized because of her adultery, but not because of your epxosure. Most employers don't want to employ liars and cheaters.


I would find his wife, family, and his friends and expos� to them all. You CAN find his wife with a little leg work.

Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposing it is your best weapon against the affair. Everyone should know. Mold does not grow well in sunlight.

The OM's wife needs to know about the affair so she can protect herself and her children from your wife and her creepy husband. How can she protect herself if you don't tell her?

Most OM will not leave their wives over a fleeting affair so most often the OM will DUMP the WW when their wives find out.

The OM's wife can watch from her end to safeguard a repeat.

EXPOSURE is the most important element of Plan A. You can't do Plan A without it.

Welcome to MB

When you say you are moving back to your hometown soon, is that in the US? How soon is soon?