I'm thinking this will be very long, I'm going to try to sum it all up haha.

My wife and I have been married for 17 years. I have dealt with what we now know as sexual aversion since day one of our marriage. Our marriage has always been a terrible heart ache that broke my heart. The constant rejection, giving my life to someone that I felt like didn't care at all about me. It made me feel like not only did she not love me, but really was basically repulsed by me. I tried and tried to get her to like me for about 5 years, then I gave up and was ready for a divorce...then she got pregnant and we had our first child so I stayed. Over a couple years it was just way too hard, at best sex was once every month or two and only because I was fixing to loose my mind, which meant it was horrible sex. There was absolutely NO emotion in our marriage, no affection, ect. I would give her massages and such (she would on occasion as for them), after 30 or more minutes I would be hopeful that maybe she would want something else and I would build up the courage to work my hards in a more suggestive location and it would be met with "don't ruin it". That is how it has always been from day one. In order to deal with it, I started seeing her as my 'sister' or like a business partner where we were running a business (household) together. Around year 8 or 9 I started having affairs. It was just to hard to have someone want me and flirt with me and then go home to someone who had nothing for me and was disgusted by me. At around year 11 or 12 I had a big spiritual change and freed me from sexual addiction that had developed, addiction to porn that had developed, ect. I didn't have any affairs for 4 years, but I was still very distant and was basically trying to make myself be totally unisexual and try to have no needs at all so that I could get by. It didn't work and I ended up meeting someone who I just totally fell in love with. We had a friendship for 18 months and a love affair for a year after that. It was an extremely difficult breakup but it came down to my new lover versus my kids. It was a loosing situation either way but I just could not leave my kids so we broke up. My wife found out about the affair and that it was very important to me and that I was very close to leaving and for the first time since we married she wanted to work on things.

We have been working on things, reading this website together, ect. We have both done a lot of nice things for eachother, communicating, she helped me get though the breakup, ect. We spend a lot of time together, we have been having sex around twice a week, ect.

Here is the problem....I feel empty. I do things for her, send her flirty text messages, ect. But in reality, I'm just trying sooo hard to feel that way. I want to feel excited about her like I did my lover. I want to feel alive from my wife like I can with others. But there have been soooooo many years of hurt, and feeling like she had NOTHING for me. I've had to look at her like my sister for like 14 years now.

I want to feel passionate about her, I want to feel something, I want to be excited when she walks in the room, I want to get excited when she kisses me...but I feel dead inside....Im trying so hard but basically I'm just going through the motions as if I feel that way hoping that it will start to happen but it hasn't happened.

e have been trying for 4 months, is it just that is hasn't been long enough?? Anyone have any advice???

If not, that's okay...it helped just to write about it

Thanks!

There is a way to fall in love again and that is by spending 20+ hours per week meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs of affection, conversation, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment. Couples need to spend 15 hours per week - ALONE - to maintain romantic love and 20-25 hours per week to CREATE.

THAT is the key to falling in love, provided that you both eliminate lovebusters and become experts at meeting each other's emotional needs. It really does work and it doesn't' take that long.

Do you have the book Surviving an Affair? As far as I know, Marriage Builders is the only program whose entire goal is to create romantic love in your marriage.

p.s. Welcome to Marriage Builders!!

I would also be very careful about the sexual aversion. Your wife didn't avoid sex with you because she is a bad wife, but because you likely weren't meeting her needs in a way that created desire. Women need 2 things to feel desire: an emotional attachment and the prospect of enjoyment.

If she makes love to you when she does not feel an attachment she will develop an aversion. I would be very sure that she is making love to you because she DESIRES you and not because there is a gun to her head. Because it won't last.

Have you got rid of ALL porn? Have you cut off ALL CONTACT with these OW and affair proofed your marriage? All of those things will impede your ability to develop the necessary attachment to her.

I would suggest you print up this article and read it together. I want to know if this resonates with her.... How to Overcome Sexual Aversion

Does she know about ALL of your affairs?

I dont hold a gun to her head for sex lol. Before I fell into the last affair we hadn't had sex in well over a year. I never brought up sex, it was to painful.

The sex aversion came from bad tramatic experiences before me. I knew there was a problem before we were married but she felt like her feelings about sex would change once married. She has never had desire for sex after a couple things happened before me. BUT once she read on here about sex aversion it made a HUGE difference to her....she started feeling farrr different about sex and felt like it was due to something that happened to her rather than just 'her'.

I hope its real eventhough sometimes its hard for me to accept the change as real because of how much ive had to deal with for yearsss. But Im trying to believe it accept it, and trust that its real like she says.

Yes, some years back when I was having affairs I told her I couldnt handle it any more and that I was just going to have girl friends. She doesnt know details because she doesnt want to, but she knew I was having them even at the time.


Ive been totally porn free for 6 years this month. I dont even have any desire or interest for it. The Lord reset my heart about sex and really healed it. The last affair didnt happen over sexual needs...it was completely because I truely felt loved and it felt really nice to have someone love me, want to kiss me, want to Spend time with me....actually desire it

x 2

and these previous questions from Melodylane:

Have you got rid of ALL porn? Have you cut off ALL CONTACT with these OW and affair proofed your marriage?

Will your wife post?

I edited my last post to include that info.....thanks!

Have you ended all contact with OW?

If she is having sex with you because she believes that is the only way to keep you in the marriage and keep you faithful, then that is the same as having a gun to her head.

My concern from reading your post is that have blamed HER for your affairs. The reason you had affairs is because you a) felt entitled and b) have poor boundaries with women. If that doesn't change, then there are more affairs in the future. It wouldn't matter if she met your needs 100%. If your lovebank is open to others, then affairs will ensue.

Do you see my point?

I do agree she needs to learn to meet your needs, but it has to be done in a way that she enjoys. For whatever reason her aversion started, it has continued into your marriage because she felt pressured to do something she did not want to do. The solution: she should learn to WANT to do it. That is something that will make you both happy.

But that does not negate your issue of poor boundaries with other women. That absolutely has to change.


How will she be safe from you? What will you do to restore trust in your marriage? What you have done to her is as traumatic as rape or assault. And you have done it numerous times. You are dangerous until that is changed.

Do you have a right to commit adultery if she doesn't have sex with you?

The last affair happened because you feel entitled to commit adultery. You are a very dangerous man.

What has changed to protect her from you in the future?

x 100

I edited my last post to include that info.....thanks!

Yes, we ended all contact.

Do I feel entitled? I really dont think so, I think I felt entitled to a wife that cared about me and cared to have an emotional bond with me. THAT is what was entitled too. But I'd say it was easy for me to justify...not that it was easy to deal with. I didnt want to be 'that person' and especially the last time it came with a lot of guilt toward the Lord.

Its hard to keep boundries and not fall into affairs when you feel like your spouse not only doesnt care about you but is repulsed by you. That even when she knows Im to the point of considering affairs she doesnt care enough to change anything.

As for affairs being like rape, I read that. I can see how in the right circumstances it could have a similar level of emotional damage. But to be honest, so does constant and complete rejection....and in my case that lasted for 17 years on a daily basis, id much rather it have been a 5 minute rape.


Affairs always end up existing for a reason, just like divorce does. If some of you cant see the entire picture of that because of your own past experiences I appreciate you wanting to post but your not going to be able to help me. If you were on the other end of an affair I doubt you will be able to discuss this in the right frame of mind.

You realize you just said "my wife wouldn't have sex with me so I raped her repeatedly"...

No, i said my wife emotionally raped me with constant rejection.