Well i do agree with you alis. I tried for years to make her happy, begged her to talk to her dr, told her how it made me feel. She knew what our marriage was doing but just didnt care to work on anything.

Neither of us knew of sexual aversion until a few months ago.

In retro spect, years ago when i told her i was tired and just couldnt go on, had i said i wanted a divorce that prob would have been more effective in terms of fixing my marriage because she would have started trying. But thats hindsight, at the time I was tired of trying and in more of a survival mode. I felt like she was only married to me for the house and so the kids would be with their dad...which is pretty much true, thats all there was. Anyway, neither of us wanted a divorce and she didnt want to work on anything...so we ended up just being room mates and I had affairs trying to get by.

Buttt we are pretty much past that now. Now we are focused on meeting eachothers needs and Im trying to find info about a problem Im having.

I was the unfaithful spouse, and I have to tell you that all of that is complete hogwash.

Many, many spouses have gone without their needs being met and never have an affair (my husband being one of them).

As long as you persist in the belief that boundaries don't matter as long as your wife meets your needs, you are very dangerous to your wife. You are putting your responsibility to remain faithful on HER shoulders. Fact is, your faithfulness shouldn't hinge on her at all -- it is all on you. Take responsibility for your own actions and how you have injured your wife and your marriage. And take steps to keep yourself from ever doing it again, even if your wife NEVER MEETS YOUR EMOTIONAL NEEDS.

Here's the equation explaining why affairs happen:

unmet needs + poor boundaries = affair
met needs + good boundaries = no affair
met needs + poor boundaries = affair
unmet needs + good boundaries = no affair

My wife's affair had everything to do with her allowing the OM to make LB deposits, and had nothing to do with my failing to meet her needs. We were actually still in love throughout, although the drain on our LB balances was catastrophic. It was all about boundaries. Our recovery occurred when EP's were established to buttress those weak boundaries and thus make another affair essentially impossible.

If you do a little algebra on Prisca's equations, you will see:

good boundaries = no affair
bad boundaries = affair

Don't make excuses for bad boundaries.

This is why boundaries are so essential.

You are still blaming your wife for choices YOU made. That won't get you very far in recovery.