My husband and I have been together for 14 years and married for 8. He has never been attentive to me but I accepted him that way and loved him anyway. Several months ago he became very accusing of ridiculous things and initially i just shrugged it off as i knew i hadnt done anything. Then the night long interrigations started letting me only sleep 2-3 hours per night. Shortly after he bacame dellusional telling me he had seen and heard me up to things over 10 years ago and was so convinced by these ideas and was so frustrated that i didnt know what he was talking about that he became violent. He would verbally abuse me, spit on me, pin me down by my throat, he sexually assulted me twice and once smashed a beer bottle and came running towards me as if going to stab me. He has also been stalking me. I ended up agreeiing to seeing a marriage counsellor who told me to go to the police to press charges and get a protection order. I pressed charges only for the spitting and got my protection order however now the counsellor has referred him on to a psychologist who he says believes it is all depression and tells me he is now gettig help. I dont know what to do, I still love him but i dont feel like i know him anymore and im scared. I dont feel good about walking away if he is sick but i am scared he will hurt me again or my child as well. Do i go back to him and help him or do i walk away?

You don't need to live with him until he is completely safe. You can help him from a safe distance. Don't move back in with him.

Don't go back until you have PROOF that he is completely safe. That would include at least a year of anger management training. You don't want to end up dead!

Dr H says a violent man needs to live away from his wife and prove over the course of a year that he is safe. Otherwise it is easy to fake it for a short while until you are back in his snare.

The psychologist who is explaining this away as depression sounds like a quack. Or is this just your husband's (probably untrue) tale of what was said? His problem is anger and he needs anger management. He might have another mental condition which caused delusions and anger - but it's not depression. Depressed people don't attack you with bottles!

Did you know you can contact Dr H on the radio show for free? He has very extensive experience on how to ensure a situation is safe to return to.

Is there any real reason to save this marriage after such terrible and criminal treatment? Children for example?

Are you living with him?

The best way you can help him is by holding him accountable. He can't have you back until he PROVES he is safe, and he can only do that by going through anger management and not having another angry for at least a year. If he it's not willing to do that, he is not worth your time.

Protect yourself and your child first.
Is the child his?

Abusive relationship is very tough to live through.When you feel that there no safety to your life in your marriage, it is better to leave that relationship. Marriage loses all its sanctity when there is verbal and physical abuse. Your husband also seems violently prone. But you say that he is in a depressive state. What is the reason behind his depression? He definitely should be on treatment. <<<<EDIT>>>> But if he is still aggressive and unrepentant,it is better to stay away from him.

If you have a child by him you should talk to your lawyers and see what you can do to never see him anymore. Women who have experienced violence ( and what you describe is severe violence) AND are being stalked by their partners have 100 times more chance to be murdered by him. You habe already experienced that he is insane. Get yourself an adress that he does not know, tell no one.

You have not only yourself to think of. Dr. Harley has always stated that you should stay away as long as your husband is not safe. From what you tell here, it sounds as if you should not take the risk of seeing this man, preferrably forever. This website is aimed at people who want to save their marriage, when there is a chance that both partners will be willing to work on the marriage. Dr Harley does not believe in marriage at all cost.

***EDIT*** Please take care of your safety first, or you won't be worrying about anyhing anymore.

Plan B is your plan and if you ever break it it will be to you own demise.

May God bless you and your child

Happyheart

P.S.
Has your husband ever done such things in the past, either to you or to domeone else? Because you make it sound as if he is psychotic, but it could very well be, that he has been violent in the past to others.

I agree with happyheart - I understand that MB recommends anger management with separation, but in my own professional experience with domestic violence, there is a huge difference between a spouse who has anger issues and one who has actually stalked and committed sexual assault/rape. Those are the sort that do kill their wives, much more likely than the occasional anger. Please reach out to Dr. Harley personally.

Look, I have been through the same. You will read your post in 10 years (if you are still alive) and you will wonder what in the world you were thinking to even have considered going back to the monster you describe.

Go back and read your post if it was your sister asking you.

These are also the type who will not be able to prove they are safe during the year of separation. This is why Dr. Harley recommends not taking an abusive spouse back any sooner.

Thankyou for your advice, i did press charges tho only for spitting but it was enough for the courts to make him go to a stop violence course and get me a protection order. What I am struggling with is that he has been referred to clinicala psychologist who has him on anti psychotics (my lawyer told me tho he denies it) and is recieving cognitive behavior therapy. They think his depression has stemmed from neglect as a child but i have not spoken to this psychologist i dont even know who she is. I feel as tho I am turning my back on him when he needs me. I am now living with my parents while he lives in the home i pay for. I dont want to live there but i cant keep paying i have to sell but thats another issue. Im not saying i will go back now but just wonder if turning my back on him when he admitts he is sick is wrong? I want my marriage to work and so does he i just wondered if there is any hope after all of this?

I know this is hard Belle!
Remember that being sorry isn't enough and him admitting that he is sick or wrong isn't enough. What he needs is you to care about him enough to insist on a course that will teach him how to stop being angry, stop hurting you and learning how to treat you with respect Regardless of how he might be feeling at the time.

I have had a physically abusive ex - again, I am sorry! Just know that your honestly doing the right things that give you the greatest chance at saving your marriage. It is at this point somewhat up to him to do the work.

Yes the child is his and she loves and misses her dad like crazy. He was a stay at home dad for the last couple of years so they have quite a bond.

No, it is not wrong. It is the best thing you can do for him right now. It is the ONLY way you can help him. If he wants to keep you, he will do what it takes to change. If he can't or won't, then you are better off without him.

You have a daughter to think about. She needs you more than he does. Protect her by protecting yourself.

The thing that strikes me as most ludicrous is that he is supposedly a violent man due to 'neglect' in his childhood. That sounds totally made up.

I would say it is a blatant manipulation attempt to make other people (namely you) feel guilty for neglecting him and making you feel responsible for his actions. That is the hallmark characteristic of angry men. They can't help it. It is always the fault of other people.

You are not 'turning your back on him when he is sick' - you are staying away until he learns that he must learn control over his own actions. That it is on him. You are helping him learn true responsibility instead of enabling his tendency to avoid it.

I take it your daughter is being kept in ignorance and that's why she adores him? I wouldn�t help him obtain false admiration. Teach him that your daughter will always be told the truth and that he will have to make it up to her by really changing, instead of pretending it is the fault of other people.

Are you willing to tell her the truth about her dad?

I would urge you to get in contact with Dr H for a good solid plan which will keep you both safe.

This is what he has to say about delving into childhood to blame problems on the past:



Dredging up childhood problems in therapy achieves two things:

1) It keeps the therapist in business for life as they try to solve long gone problems which are therefore unsolvable.
2) It prevents the patient from having to admit they are, or behave as, a responsible adult who is no longer a child.

I am sure that your H has probably gone to great lengths to find a lousy therapist who will blame all his problems on others, instead of placing the blame at his own feet.

Sometimes people refuse to become adults unless others insist on it.

Thankyou so much for all your advice, I am listening I have emailed Dr Harley and hope i get a response.
Am i willing to tell my daughter the truth about her dad? Well she is 4 she wont understand, she has already seen and heard so much I dont know how to deal with that. She knows that mum is upset with dad because he hasnt been very nice to her but how else can you explain to a 4 year old. She has supervised visits from him but if there are any questions she can ask him amd he can explain it to her, supervised and kept pg of course.
Someone asked if there is any point in trying to save my marriage, to that i dont know. I love him with all my heart and want nothing more than to make my marriage work and he has told me he wants the same, i just dont know if it is possible but then i cant imagine my life without him either. Hes my high school sweetheart

Let us know when you hear back from Dr. Harley.

Four year olds are very clever. Much cleverer and clear eyed than adults usually. They know you arent supposed to hurt people and that it will see you excluded until you stop. I would keep it as simple as that. Dad can't come home until he stops being angry and hurting mommy. He will need to be good for a long time and until we both feel safe around him.



Terrible idea. He will spin it and tell her confusing things. She can express how she feels to him, but you should be the one making hte rules and the explanations.





This way you have both options available to you. Nothing made me happier than divorcing my teenage love and finding someone better but your story could end differently.

I would plan to be divorced until you see much more compelling evidence of change.

So I heard back, long story short has seen it before and is concerned that he could end up killing me my daughter and himself in a paranoid rage. Said his symptoms are essentially untreatable and it sounds like he has a brain injury (he did suffer a seere head injury before i met him over 14 years ago) has overdosed on a drug or possibly had a sroke that has gone undetected. Either way i have been told he is too dangerous and i should avoid going back. How could i ignore the advice of someone so experienced? I have got the house on the market and his clinical psychologist rang me and wanted my side of things, i told her as much as i could in half an hour i just hope she got it all. A friend of mine who is also friends with my husband told me she hasnt even touched on the issues with our marriage with him yet because she wanted to talk to me first. Going by that he still has no diagnoses. He rang to say goodnight to our daughter last week (my mum takes the calls) and our daughter mentioned to him that i was at a meeting (it was with womans refuge) he got so worked up over me being out I am now too scared to go anywhere. Needless to say if I feel like that after being apart from him for 3months im not going back and i now have to admit to myself that my marriage is over. He is not the man i married, its like hes posessed.