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Hi all, well that went really badly. Raised the issue of trust and the fact she had hidden her email account from me. She said she had done it deliberately as a test. She also denied still seeing the OM and then said she didn't think it was going to work. All her friends she had spoken to after I had exposed think I am mad and did the exposure because I am controlling. They also said she was fine so didn't see any reason her go to coaching.
She then went on to rehash all the many issues going back many years that she has with me.
It feels like I have been ambushed and to be honest its getting to a point where I dont feel like she thinks we can recover from it. She is now sulking in the bedroom, not speaking to me.
Any thoughts? I am tempted just to go and stay at my Dads for the night just to give her time to cool down (we have only just moved into where we are so it's not really home to either of us)
Last edited by abccba; 03/17/14 03:22 PM.
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Also, don't let her manipulation/gaslighting make you feel guilty. She's just trying to turn it.
Stand loud and proud that you shined the light on her sin.
Remember, your marriage can survive her anger, but it will not survive her having an affair.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I would do the following:
Tell her that you would like to look at her phone.
If she refuses, then you know that she has something to hide.
At that point, you can demand that she end her affair. If she comes up with 10,000 explanations, and still doesn't agree to end her affair and join you in recovery then file for divorce.
You dont have children and have only been married for 4 years. You havent had sex in 3 years.
I would not run myself ragged spying on her and being a detective. It's not worth it...but it's your marriage.
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IF you want to save it and are willing to spy and potentially suffer through an affair and giving to her in Plan A, then Dr. Harley would advise you to Plan A for up to six months, quietly snoop to gain evidence of an affair, expose the affair and offer her a path to recovery using Dr. Harley's methods. At that point if she refused, you would enter Plan B for up to 2 years. At the end of the 2 years, if she still refused then file for divorce. I would do this (above). Did she let you look at her phone? Did you ask to?
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Hi JK and BH, she gas lighted me good and proper, so whereas it started out as me needing her to be open and honest for me to trust her again (I was about to mention the phone), she turned it into all about her issues with me. I did not follow plan A this time because I am getting so tired of being accused of everything being my fault in the marriage. This is why she went and sulked because she didn't like me standing up for myself. I tried to keep the discussion calm but think that there were probably quite a few LBs on both sides.
I will try again with the phone but she is that hostile at the moment I don't think she will be interested and in fact will gaslight again.
Thanks for your help and advice, without it I think I would be slowly going mad with all this!
Last edited by abccba; 03/18/14 04:47 AM.
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You can be calm and stand up for yourself without making love busters.
Do you know what Love Busters are?
Angry Outbursts, Disrespectful Judgments and Demands.
It is okay to demand that she ends her affair.
But dont yell or scream or call her a whore
Last edited by Jedi_Knight; 03/18/14 08:53 AM.
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Hi, thanks for clarifying. Perhaps I didn't do any LBs then, although she was continuously. I am going to leave it a few days as I need time to clear my head. Being continously made to feel its all my fault does take its toll.
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Hi, thanks for clarifying. Perhaps I didn't do any LBs then, although she was continuously. I am going to leave it a few days as I need time to clear my head. Being continously made to feel its all my fault does take its toll. No, you cant ignore this for a few days. This is like war, like the Tv show 24, where every minute counts. If she tries to argue that it's your fault, ignore her. Obviously she is not a robot that you are controlling by radio or computer. She's an adult and responsible for her actions.
Last edited by Jedi_Knight; 03/18/14 10:20 AM.
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Thanks JK. One question,if she doesn't come clean and agree to EP, so I then file for divorce is it worth doing plan B? Not sure I know enough about plan B but is there value doing to protect me even if there is no hope of reconciliation?
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Thanks JK. One question,if she doesn't come clean and agree to EP, so I then file for divorce is it worth doing plan B? Not sure I know enough about plan B but is there value doing to protect me even if there is no hope of reconciliation? Typically, Dr. Harley recommends Plan A for 6 months. If the wayward spouse refuses to end the affair during the 6 months, then Harley recommends Plan B for up to 2 years. You are correct that there is no hope of reconciliation while the affair is ongoing. However, most affairs die a natural death within 6 months of exposure. (Harley estimates the affair death rate to be around 95% within 6 months). Have you read Surviving an Affair? Dr. Harley uses the case of Jon and Sue to illustrate his program. Sue refused to end her affair with Greg and Dr. Harley persuaded Jon to enter Plan B. The purpose was to (1) Protect Jon's emotional health and (2) preserve what little Love Bank balance existed. Months later, Sue and Greg's affair died a natural death and Sue then agreed to meet the Extraordinary Precautions in Jon's Plan B letter. Years later, they have a loving healthy marriage.
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Thanks. I have been improving myself since January and demonstrating i have charged since then although I only found out about the affair late February. I am not sure how long I can do plan a for, she is not interested, and in fact seems even more distant than ever. She is also not being honest and is hiding things from me which is a massive problem because of the affair.
I think I am going to give her a choice commit and do EPs or I assume the affair is continuing and will ask her to leave the house.
Last edited by abccba; 03/19/14 08:43 AM.
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You should portray it in this way:
I am willing to work with you to create a loving healthy marriage where both of our needs are met but you must first end all of your affairs and commit to a program of recovery.
Hand her the list of Extraordinary precautions.
If she refuses, enter Plan B.
Do you have someone that can act as an intermediary?
Have you read about Plan B?
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My brother would probably do it if I asked. I know a bit about plan B. Do I need to have the plan B letter ready as well or can I ask her to move out if she doesn't agree to EPs etc and then plan B? Just thinking i will be seeing her in a few hours so doesn't give me a lot of time if I need to both EPs and a plan B letter. The other complication is that we are rennovating a house so that would take a bit of work to coordinate as part of planB.
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Sir, in plan B there is no contact.
The house plans would be put on hold.
Do not have the plan B letter ready to give her. The plan B letter should be delivered by a third party. You want the last memory of you to be loving.
PLease post the plan B letter here for review also. I suggest you copy the letter in the book and just edit the stuff about the kids out.
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Unfortunately the last memory of me at the moment is going to be of me saying that I need her to show me I can trust her and then her gaslighting me big time and then getting really angry that I refused to respond to her gaslighting. I suspect that this could happen again when I suggest what you have written above especially over the EPs.
We did have a nice day on Saturday but she doesn't seem to remember the good times at the moment just the bad.
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Another question, when I first exposed I didn't do it properly (didn't do enough people) so when I found out she was hiding things from me still (a week later) I exposed to evryone. This is when she got really nasty, blaming me for everything, saying she didn't know how she could work on the marriage anymore now everyone knew and then she met up with friends who now are encouraging her to leave (I know she downplayed the affair to them and is blaming me for every single problem and argument we have had). Is this usual behaviour, do her friends supporting her not make things even harder for me now? (these are very close friends so she does listen to them).
I have thought about speaking to them again but I suspect they will just think I am trying to make excuses.
Last edited by abccba; 03/19/14 11:26 AM.
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The exposure served it purpose by bringing the affair into the light of day.
That's why she's angry.
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Another question, when I first exposed I didn't do it properly (didn't do enough people) so when I found out she was hiding things from me still (a week later) I exposed to evryone. This is when she got really nasty, blaming me for everything, saying she didn't know how she could work on the marriage anymore now everyone knew and then she met up with friends who now are encouraging her to leave (I know she downplayed the affair to them and is blaming me for every single problem and argument we have had). Is this usual behaviour, do her friends supporting her not make things even harder for me now? (these are very close friends so she does listen to them).
I have thought about speaking to them again but I suspect they will just think I am trying to make excuses. These "friends" are people you exposed to? If so, unfortunately there are people out there whom aren't friends of marriage. She's just mad and blameshiffting because you hit the target. Good job.
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Yes they are 2 of her close friends i exposed to. My WS also said they had told her she didn't need to change or go to coaching because my WS is perfect!
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Yes they are 2 of her close friends i exposed to. My WS also said they had told her she didn't need to change or go to coaching because my WS is perfect! There are always such people around...and its a classic example of why we need good men in our lives to hold us accountable when we go astray
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