Hi-

I just joined last night, and hope to gain some insight. However, unlike many of you here who have been cheated on.. I am actually the cheater. I hope that I won't be judged harshly. My situation like many of yours has been life altering.

I don't know abbreviations yet, so bear with me.
I have been married for 11 years. My h and I have 7 yr. old twin daughters. Let me start out by saying that their welfare is my hugest priority.

My affair started 6 months ago, and was discovered 1 month ago.
Over the years, my relationship with h has been more of a close friendship. We play house together well, and provide stability for our kids. About 3 yrs ago, I started feeling the neglect. Try as I might to talk to him about this.. things never changed. Example: I always call him honey. I asked him to please use a term of endearment once in awhile. Never. 2. I'm someone who puts effort into my appearance.. never a word of you look pretty. MAYBE once in awhile if we were going out formally I'd get a "you look nice" 3. No touching. Never just comes up and kisses me. Never any hand holding...ever. Never an arm around me when we're out (or home for that matter) Never a look deep into my eyes. Never a kiss if not sex.

The other issue is that he never wants to go out. Never plans anything for either us or the family. Its always me. and I get sick of it. I have felt alone in this marriage for a long time.
Last year, I got fed up. (This usually happens once every few months.) Triggers are when I see a friends husband or another couple acting loving towards each other. EX. Look what at the necklace John got me.. Or isn't Liz so beautiful? Or watching other married friends be physically affectionate. SO, I talked him into marriage counseling. We went a few times, but he did not put any effort in whatsoever. The therapist asked him to plan 1 outing a month. He didn't follow through.

So, this summer we were invited to a party. He said he didn't want to go. I said okay, but I'm going to flirt with so and so.
He says "Fine, go ahead". So I did.

Long and short of it is that we started having affair and quite truthfully its been wonderful. He appreciates me. Notices what I'm wearing., tells me I'm beautiful, hugs and kisses me in public, WANTS to be out and seen with me. While this may sound like ego stuff.. fine. but it feels really good to have someone who knows how to express love. We dated briefly when we were 19. He told some friends years ago.. that I was the one who got away. He was a fool for ever letting me go.

We love each other very much.

Life being what it is, there is no running off in the sunset together. Not only because I fear how my kids will react.. but also guilt about my h. Financially it would be really tough, as he works sporadically as a freelancer, and I just work part-time.

Sorry this is so long. I am willing to work on the marriage. However my friend means a lot to me. And I read here how I'm supposed to just cut him off. I don't know if I am willing to do that. Please understand how this pulls at my heart strings, as he is so ready to settle down after some very harrowing relationships with women. It feels very romantic that we've found each other after all these years.

For my family's sake I will try. But I have resentments against a husband who never heard me about the affection I craved. and about wanting to feel like a desirable woman...And who would like to be surprised with a night out that he planned. Basically, to be shown love.

Thanks for listening.

Hi torn, welcome to Marriage Builders. You will find help here for your marriage, but you won't find help for an affair if that is what you are seeking. I will tell you that the things you have with this OM [other man] can be achieved with your husband. But that can never happen as long as you are having an affair.

Does your husband know about your affair?

We can help you get this, but you have to first get rid of the OM. You CAN have this very thing with your husband if the OM is gone. It won't work if he is hanging around.

Can your husband come here and post?

Is the OM married?

Have you been tested for STD/I?

Yes, he found out a month ago. He had known for 3 weeks prior and didn't say anything. Which I find puzzling... but typical as he is extremely closed off emotionally.
End it as in never have contact with OM again? I don't think so. That is awfully extreme and scary and feels tragic. He also happens to be a good friend.
My h could come here and post if we get to that point.

Exactly. That is exactly what needs to happen.

He is not your "friend." I am sorry to tell you this, but he is not. A "good friend" does not degrade a married woman by having a sleazy affair with her. He has disrespected you in the worst possible way. A man who cared about you would not degrade you just so he can get some cheap, easy booty on the side. You are his booty call, nothing more.

His "kisses" are nothing more than spit in your face but you are so fogged out that you can't see it.

I would strongly urge you to bring your husband here NOW so we can help you.

How are your children your priority? You are in the process of destroying their family. You have been lying to your husband, to your children, and to yourself because you like the fantasy. You haven't left your husband because it would hurt you financially - are you expecting him to just work and finance the home while you are out sleeping with another man?

Take a step back and ask yourself these questions.

What is tragic? Tragic is your children's family being destroyed. You could follow this program and save your marriage, or you can wait for your affair to become REAL, the fantasy fog to disappear, and realize you jumped from the pan into the fire. You'll be lucky to have your children by then too, they will never forget that their mother did this.

So tell me again, what is your first priority? It is you, isn't it?

torn --- I also had an affair (mine was much longer) and tried to tell the world that my kids were the most important thing to me.

But my actions showed otherwise. I think you need to realize that destroying your children's home and family is about the worst thing you can do to them. Its pretty hard to reconcile "wanting the best" for them while doing the worst...

Take a look at some teenagers around you, and its not hard to see the difference in those who have divorced parents vs. those with intact families.

What you have with OM (other man) is not real. And reality would destroy that fantasy. Its not special, its pretty slimy if you really look close...

I agree with Lexxy,
Think about who you have chosen to be instead of being a loving wife and mother.
There will be no explaining this to your children no matter how you spin it sooner or later they will see it for what it is��
Do you think everyone else will just go along with your version of why it was right to have an affair and to blow up your lives�pure selfish thinking and wayward thinking��.time to wake up

Then you should both tell your families, friends and children about your affair...share the news if people still don't know.

I was also the unfaithful spouse. Don't assume that the only people here are bitter betrayed spouses who are eager to judge. Also don't assume that just because the advice may sound hard that it means you are being judged. Everyone posting here is on the side of your marriage. We are not interested in judging. We are interested in you doing what must be done to recover your marriage and family.


It pulls at your heartstrings because you are addicted to him, like a drug. As long as you stay in contact with him, you will remain addicted. The only way to recover your marriage and your family is to cut off all contact with him for life.

If you are unwilling to do that,then there will be no hope for your marriage. You will lose your husband and your children.

Cut off contact, and the healing can begin.

It is also essential that your husband come here. If recovery is going to happen, it will take both of you.

Wow, you sound exactly like my WH. He has said pretty much everything you said - verbatim. All of that is no excuse to go outside the marriage and find someone else to start a fantasy life. The only way your marriage will recover is if you end contact forever with the OM. Never talking to the OM might sound scary and tragic now, but your marriage won't improve if you keep him in your life.

My WH also has resentment due to my apparent lack of affection. Again, there is no excuse for an affair so you should start thinking about the resentment your BH now has after you destroyed your marriage and family. Listen to the fine people here and do everything they suggest if you truly want to save your marriage.

He isn't married. Wants stability. Has no STD's.

Please bring your husband here, you are going to need help to snap out of this.

I made a BIG mistake coming here. Its not because I'm hearing things I don't want to either. Are you all religious right wing repressed types? Calling my lover and friend slimy and sleazy is ridiculous. We've known each other for 27 years! Love is beautiful. It was with my husband at one time, and it is now too.

For your info. there are more open and polyamorous relationships now as people open their minds that no one OWNS anyone else.
Judgemental black and white thinking has no place in my world. My husband even agrees! Wake up? I'm wide awake!
Don't bother responding. I'm out of here.

then roll the dice instead on your family this is your one hope to put your marriage and family back together. Your husband should cut off all financial and not help you betray him and your kids in anyway���
some people just have to learn the hard way good luck

You forgot to mention in your first post that your husband married you with the expectation of a polyamorous/open marriage. Because he did, right? No, you only mention that once you get caught with your hand in the cookie jar.

You need help, you are so deluded at this point that you are just making stuff up as you go along to justify the cruelty you have done.

No, not religious. Not a betrayed spouse. Actually, the only similar situation I've been in? As one of your daughters. I do love my mother, but have never respected her since, especially from all the crap that came out of her mouth where she tried to tell us that we were her priority. Give me a break. You don't prioritize your children by making out with other men in public behind your husband's back.

Wow, how delusional. How many discussions about your open marriage did you and hour husband have before you took vows to each other?

So now all of a sudden its ok and he must comply? When did he get to have the choice to sign on? When did he agree it was a good idea to raise children in an open marriage? How many other women do you share your husband with?

Do you consider yourself a caring person?


You may find this board opinionated. You may have different opinions. You are entitled to them.


What I will share with you as a betrayed spouse, is that my FWW's adultery was the most painful experience of my life. I did not know that a human body could ache so deeply and physically survive.

Simply put, regardless of what you are getting out of this A, most likely your H has been dealt with the same hand I was.

I'll ask again...do you consider yourself a caring person? If so, I encourage you to look deep in the mirror and ask yourself this question before you see your adultery partner again.