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Joined: Nov 2011
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I know it's difficult; that's why Plan A is not recommended for more than 6 months.
Personally, I would not have been able to plan A for 6 months. After 2 months, I was physically exhausted.

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I'm nearing the two month mark myself and yes, physically it is exhausting. Even after stopping drinking and taking up running. Its the lack of sleep and the mind constantly going that does not help.

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I spoke to my boss at work today to explain I was having marriage issues gave no detail just in case any issues arise. This made my whole situation look a bit more real to me. Admitting to someone face to face who has no opinion helped to be more honest with myself. I should of found this forum sooner as the support I have had has been fantastic. The program itself is sound when applied correctly, but going it alone has been an undoing. I stated in my first post how I selfishly self harmed. Im still not sure why. More likely it was hey look at me come fix things for me. My mental state is strained but I'm in a better place where I can think 'do something about it'. The current emotional pain will change. Her sanity is no better. Its her birthday today and the loving and caring environment I wish to create is not here. She may be in the fog with OM but she is clear with me, she s done. Her weekend away is not a work thing its a 'dirty weekend'. Her family are ready to lynch me. My family want me to dig in and make sure I dont get screwed out of money. I want her to know me as the loving and caring man I can and strive to be.
I'm not saying I give up, I may have to review my options. I'm not sure if the reason i'm staying is because I dont have the courage to leave. She has noticed my efforts at change for the better but this has angered her and upset her more. I'm thinking this weekend is my chance to leave with no contact. There will always be the bitterness of the exposure even when the affair does end. But the bitterness of divorce and eviction can I put us through that?

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I would encourage you to talk to your family for their advice; discuss plan B with them.

Also, do you attend a Church? If not, I encourage you to visit a Church. You can find a lot of support there.

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Hi going to talk to my parents now. Have unbiased friends who can act as IM but if for example MIL tries to contact do I answer?
Wife is being polite and civil making conversation obviously not going to spoil birthday with issues. I will see how next few days go and whether she goes away or not! I cannot change locks etc if she is away as here you can legally break back in!

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Noticed you have not answered any of the questions I posed to you. That's cool. No problem. You aren't obligated to do anything you don't want to do.

I was exactly where you are at 3 years ago and now 2 years into R on my way to a fantastic M. In my opinion, you are making critical mistakes at this time.

Best of luck.

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Showing her attention for starters, paying compliments when not required, making time for her when mine is short(I work shifts her 9-5) so simple things like getting up with her in the morning to make her tea. Pulling my weight around the house. Looking to find recreational time to spend together. We've always talked about joining a gym so we've been looking together. Suggesting and taking walks by the sea and sharing coffee. Talking about good times before and things for the future including family holidays and house improvements. Also self improvement, fitness, health. When conversation becomes awkward and she picks up my faults or talk of the affair come round I try to remain non-judgemental, calm let her have her views without betraying my non acceptance of affair.

Been to see family explained situation following exposure and the concept of plan B. Not sure they got it but as families are they are willing yo support me. They have not been quick to judge as they no I'm willing to work on marriage only if A ends.
Now I need to take my time to assess situation. Need to be honest with myself and make some choices. I cannot control her or try to. Still need to find IM if I am going plan B. Needs to be someone we both know and trust or it will seem like I'm playing mind games.

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Originally Posted By: Bluebeck
Will look at 'mim'. Law states divorce for adultery has a 6 month limit unless affair is continuing.


So, it looks like you have grounds to sue for divorce for reasons of adultery.

I suggest discussing with your lawyer if it is advantageous if you sue for divorce *first* (e.g. will that reduce the possibility of her having you legally removed from your own home?) rather than waiting on your WW to sue. You can always withdraw your suit if your efforts at recovering your M are successful.

Last edited by ManInMotion; 03/20/14 05:41 PM.

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20 year any pointers welcomed

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Mentally this is taking its toll. Considered moving out temporarily. But think I got to do all or nothing, stay or go. Come Sunday I can make that choice if she does still go away.

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Further to last post she is being civil and talking to me but it seems only to be polite. Regarding weekend I knew all along it was what it is. She still intends to go away so no remorse or respect shown. Think she's being civil to go with D plan. Seriously need to ask myself if I can stay with her carrying on under my nose! Sorry guys two more days of my ramblings to go!

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Hang in there, I know it's tough.


BW 56
WH 57
Married 25 years, live together for 2, dated 2 years before that.....
DS 23, DS 25
D-Day Nov 23/09
NC Mar 1/10
Working on Recovery
Grateful for finding Marriage Builders
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Thanks.
When initially asked to seperate my wife's friends told her to get me to leave then. She said no wanted to try and preserve friendship (or have cake too). Same friends are mad at me now and back her to get me out. I will try to hang in with Plan A, any observations pointers welcomed. But how effective is plan B after she files for divorce?

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Originally Posted By: Bluebeck
Thanks.
But how effective is plan B after she files for divorce?


Dr. Harley has seen many cases where the wayward returned after filing for divorce.

While the main purpose of Plan B is to protect the betrayed spouses emotional and physical health, it has another effect: It removes you from the picture.
Currently, you meet some of her needs and the affair partner meets others. After Plan B, all emotional needs must be met by the OM. That puts strain on the affair.

During this time, I encourage you to listen to Dr. harley's radio program daily. It can offer you further guidance and understanding of his methods. You can listen to it by clicking the links on the main website or downloading their free app to your smartphone.

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Thanks. I have it on phone already. With the amount of questions I have it's a good idea

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You need to seek legal advice to protect yourself. That home is a marital asset and she can't just ask you to leave because its in her name.

Also if you plan B you need to be completely dark neither of you can Love Bust each other. The LB's will then happen with the A partner and that puts a major strain on the A.

Don't get bullied, seek legal counsel and protect yourself. It sounds like you've let WW bully for so long she is not expecting you to fight back especially when she tells you to vacate the home. Uh, if she is choosing the A, she has no right to dictate your actions.

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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Good link. Basically if I can keep my head stick at it. Her divorce threats are bluster until I see the paperwork. Plan B is not an escape plan. Do not fear confrontation but do not LB. I know I'm confusing myself planning for every possible outcome instead of focusing on today being positive and happy! Rule number 1 smile!

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Originally Posted By: BrainHurts


Much of this doesn't really matter because they don't have children. He would probably benefit emotionally by leaving the home in plan B so he isnt around all the triggers.

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Originally Posted By: Bluebeck
Rule number 1 smile!


Yes Sir! That is important.

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