Bravo!! I think you are making the right decision.

Thank you.

I'm glad you're giving him a chance. You have your bar set high and come here if he isn't holding up.

Good job, friend.

Please, lets drop this topic.... It has been on my H post a while ago and we have discussed it already. Now i can see it returning, with red flags comments etc.... Please stop...

This frind of mine is the greatest husband in the world, so much in love in his wife, that he put over a year of his life to fight for her when she was in a deep deep depression. I admire him for what he did. There is no risk of his side, cause he simply loves his wife.

As for me..... Please....two months ago i was a happy Maggie who had no idea what affair is. My husband was my world, in 12 years that I've known him he was the only love and attention of my life. and, as for me, it would have stayed like that.... But he has choosen differently. I believed in the world without affairs, and now that I have experienced one- being a victim of it- I dispise it with whole my heart, because i would never ever want to put on my H this unhuman pain I am carrying it now....

With the male friend of mine we talk on the phone, we send texts. We do not see each other. In those long years we've known each other we met not many times.
He is a brilliant, intelligent and worm person. Beautiful inside and very ugly ourside....
I DO NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH HIM, I HAVE NEVER THOUGHT TO HAVE ONE WITH HIM.
Therefor please let's stop discussing it here, cause it is not of the topic. i know it, my H knows it, we have talked about it....

Maggie, I hope you will read the article that was posted above about opposite sex friendships. There are over 80,000 threads on Surviving an Affair and in the archives going back 16 years of stories of affairs that started just like your "friendship." THAT IS HOW AFFAIRS START.

As soon as one need is met outside of marriage, the others are soon to follow. Yuo are allowing a man, who is not your husband, to meet your needs. That is an affair in the making. The way they typically start is when people start talking about their marriage problems and the other person sympathizes with them. Before they know it, they find they have feelings for each other and an affair ensues. And not because they were looking for it, but because they developed STRONG feelings for the other person while they weren't looking.

Very few people are out looking for affairs. Most will tell you they are "not that kind of person." What happened is they were overcome with strong feelings that they couldn't put aside. Very much like the frog in boiling water.

What scares me about you is that you are more vulnerable TODAY for an affair than you ever have been. And you don't recognize the risk. Neither did the other 80,000 posters before you until it happened to them.

Don't let that happen to you like it did your husband. WE are not telling you this out of meanness but out of compassion. We see you headed for a trainwreck that you can't see. Please take heed!

Maggie,

But there is a very serious question here and that is why did your H have an affair, and to some degree your carrying on a relationship with this OM may have played a part in that decision.

It has been on my H post a while ago and we have discussed it already.

Do you know your Hs screen-name on MB?

This frind of mine is the greatest husband in the world,

Wow if I heard that from my W I would not feel right about it, you mean your H is 2nd place, or the next statement.

He is a brilliant, intelligent and worm person. Beautiful inside and very ugly ourside....

God Bless
Gamma

Her WH is mane.

Hi Maggie, I am so happy to read that you have decided to go back. Yay!

Yes, betrayed, hurt, everything wiped out, and yet we BS's have to find the strength to fight for something that is not a sure thing. You have described it so well. We've all felt similar Maggie, and many before us on this same forum have gone on to develop new and passionate marriages with their (formerly) wayward spouses.

Yes, good luck and much prayers for you and your husband.

As for your male friend, the problem dear is that in a healthy marriage, we are not supposed to have our needs met from anyone besides our spouse.

What we are trying to say is simply that now when you are at your lowest point, we understand that it would be so much EASIER to tell your friend your inner-most feelings rather than telling your husband. If your friend says things that helps you to feel better, then he has "met your needs", and you no longer need to tell your husband your feelings. Mane doesn't even get the opportunity to try to meet your needs. Does that make sense?

THAT is where the trouble lies. To start to recover your marriage, you and your H need to be willing to lump through all of the (very) difficult times TOGETHER, only going to each other to sort things out. THAT will start to build love again as, over time, you will learn to have no love busters, and then will learn to value each other's feelings and meet each other's emotional needs. THAT is what will fill up your love banks and start to spark some feelings for each other again.

You and mane are going to learn now to have it "you and him" against the world, so to speak. You have Steve H, MB, and all of us to help you.

Safe travels on your way home Maggie. We are all rooting for you!

If you weant to understand your partner then (drumroll).....ask your partner!!!!

It is ludicrous to think that a man who once loved you and who has never been close to your H could possibly tell you more about Mane than Mane can tell you about himself!!!

How would a stranger be able to explain anything about a man he doesn't know? Crazy.



While playing chicken is just a question of being fast, right?

He loved you once. You know this. It's an absolutely terrible idea and most disrespectful to both your spouses.

This isn't two couples who are all friends with each other. This is a guy holding on to an old love, and you holding on to that support and past flutter of admiration.

Discussing intimate things about your marraige is the very WORST boundary possible. You paint your husband in a bad light to an old boyfriend. You know that you wouldn't accept private discussions of your faults and misdeeds with an old girlfriend of Mane's.

It would be highly offensive to you to have all your errors paraded before old girlfriends and rightly so.


If his wife is supportive then she doesn't know about his continuing feelings for you.

Maggie, a rule in Marriage Builders is NO OPPOSITE SEX FRIENDS.
This forum is to discuss Dr. Harley's methods so knowledgeable posters will point out this red flag, because it is a red flag.

The manner in which you defend this opposite sex relationship is very similar to the manner that many posters involved in emotional affairs have defended their friendships.

Dr. Harley is very clear that his programs should be followed in entirety, without deviation. You will not recover or have a good marriage if you continue on this path and are only placing another marriage in danger.

Unfortunately, luck won't help you. You could have Steve Harley move in and stay in the spare bedroom...and even that won't help you as long as you maintain this close friend of the opposite sex.

I've read how you admire him for "putting his life on hold for a year, while his wife was depressed.

You already complain about your spouses to each other and are essentially in an emotional affair.

Men don't remain friends with women just for the sake of it. Or with anyone just for the sake of it. They usually keep contact with people only who serve a networking or recreational purpose. People they see for fun, a specific activity or because they know them from work. Men don't typically chat just for the fun of it or for no larger purpose. I'm astonished by how often women are surprised their male friend has feelings for them. Well, duh -why else would he keep in touch? To talk shoes?

It's rather ironic that you are speaking with him in an effort to better understand men. He's never going to show that hand!



Some OS friends are fine, but an old admirer and someone who has one-way discussions away from their spouse and intimate talks about their marriage is an absolute no no.

Worst of all is that she thinks she has an insight about a 'wonderful husband' he is. She shouldn't even know the personal details of his marriage. Particularly not his wife's illness and shortcomings!

It's really obvious that he still has feelings for her. Really loving your wife is no protection from the temptation of an affair! Men in particular find it very easy to fall for new people and this guy never STOPPED his feelings for Maggie.

Couldnt agree more with this.

Maggie,

Did you read these? What do you think?

Ok that's it. Please do not follow this subject. You do not know me, do not know anything about my life except of the latest affair discovery of my husband.
I have never been in a relationship with this male friend of mine, we were never even close to a relationship. There was no love confetions of any of us.
We are very good friends and that's it. I do not share intimate stuff about my marriage with him, never has before the affair. Then I was so ashamed of it so i wanted to keep it far from my family. They loved my H and i wanted to spare them the pain i am in now. That's how I have contacted ( telephonicaly.... No personal meetings) my friend, to ask for listening to me. and guess what? He told me to go back to Kazakhstan to fight for my love, because he knows me/ us/ our story and he knows how deeply in love we were. So..... Please drop it, cause there is no emotional affair, any kind of affair and anything wrong with friendship with this guy.

Any let me say it again.... He is in a deep love with his wife. She got into a depression and it was HIM to grab her and take her out of there. I admire him for this, cause that is a real love.

As for rule of MB program and my relationship with this guy....let me ask Steve about it.

Thanks

His wife was depressed and he was on the prowl. Nothing good about that, he has shared intimate details of his marriage to you and its silly to think you haven't done the same. Please email, Dr. Harley. I would like to hear his thoughts about it on the radio show. I am in agreement with the others this "friend" needs to be on your NC list. This is the beginnings of an emotional affair.

Maggie
Please don't feel attacked/annoyed by the posters who keep bringing up the danger in you leaning for support with your friend of the opposite sex.
You are right we all know nothing about your lives other than what you or your WH post. What most of them do however know is the patterns and the dangers and the red flags - BEFORE-DURING-and AFTER an A.
While you may think that the conversation that has been sparked because of something YOU mentioned in your thread might be a distraction from what you perceive is the real problem ie your husband's affair . The reality is that is not a separate topic that you can just say oh put to the side and deal with that my H's fire! its all part of the same pot and you cant address one and ignore the other.
The last thing you want to hear is anything negative against you because you feel like you are just trying to float and grab onto what ever can keep you afloat . You are very hurt and vunerable after your husband's A and all of the posters warning you to stay away from that kind of support are only doing so to benefit YOU.
You will have to step away ( at least until your M is strong enough again ) from a friendship you obviously value at a time where you feel you need all the support you can get, but you have a choice to make here.
Your friendship with this friend of the opposite sex or recovery of your Marriage ?

Yes I understand he is devoted to his wife and not looking for anything from you and yet managing to move up a notch on your list simply by pushing you towards you H - do you see that ???


You can continue to validate and or defend your support from him and why you are entitled to it and while EVERYONE here supports your current pain and your need to heal from it, no one is willing to stay silent if you choose to teeter towards a dangerous way of dealing with it !

So happy to hear that you are moving closer back to him, I think being in the same physical space will really help jumpstart your recovery. Double happy to hear that you are continuing your phone sessions with Steve.

And just the fact that you know such personal details about his marriage is an indicator of a problem. Your obvious emotional attachment to this friend is exactly how affairs begin.


We have shown you the rule in writing from the founder of Marriage Builders, Dr Bill Harley. Please read this: The Risk of Opposite-sex Friendships in Marriage

And of course, you are free to ignore any MB rule, but you are not free to avoid the consequences of the path we see you headed for. If you are unable to see the danger, just ask your husband what happens with opposite sex friendships. You are reaping the results of his affair right now.

Hello...

It's been a while since I stopped visiting MB forum.
It's been a 1,5 months that I am back to Kazakhstan.
As you can easily imagine it's been a very rough time for me.
Somehow I got blocked, didn't feel like writing, didn't feel like seeing people, talking about myself. I've always been a very
sunny person, full of energies. Now that the life got shady I find myself so boring-no spontaneous smile, nothing interesting to say. So I guess that's why I am hiding, not to talk about bad things all the time. ...

anyways it's been 1,5 months that we are back together and I need some push, because I got stuck...

We keep on seeing Steve and we are following MB program.

When I came back we had to get through the inhuman - for myself - part of it, which is the "telling the detailed story". oh...that was devastating. A real hardcore! Found out about things that honestly would have preferred not knowing at all...but already done...it took me a long while to get back on -more less- vertical position.
Then we has the most important needs exchange, which for me was another kick of negativity. I found out that almost all of my husband's essential needs were fulfilled and he was actually very happy about the way I was taking care of him. surprising thing was the list itself, cause it was describing a person that I realized I did not know. if I had to make a list of his essential needs from what I know about him it would have been different. yet subconsciously I was fulfilling all those needs....
What came out from my side was, that he was completely not fulfilling my needs,with a difference that he's known them.
Anyways, it took me a while to re-put myself in vertical position again....
Then we have started the intentional connectedness plan and it is where we are now.

It's been a moment, around 2 weeks ago that I have started to feel an extreme need, urge of physical closeness. Didn't like it so much. It was sucking lost of my energies, making me feel a desire that probably was very similar to what you feel while staring to enter in an affair. So every time I was felling this physical obsession I was imagining what he would have felt... but was advised my Steve not to force myself to stop it but to go with the wind of good feelings connected with this urge.... and I shall say I was feeling better.

And one Saturday morning over a week ago it all stopped. in this particular moment my H wanted to hug me and I felt like if she was with us... then had 3 nasty days, like if I went back to the day number 2, with the same horrible heaviness on my chest, cryings, etc...
And since that Saturday I feel like an emotional numb. I am trying really hard not to have all those negative thoughts, I try to push them away.But she is coming back. moments are coming back, everything is a trigger...

My H is trying his best, I can see it, I do appreciate it. He is very loving and is trying to take care of me as good as it is possible.
But I am stuck....
I don't know how to move on...
I am out of breath, out of energies, out of positivity.... I need a push!!!! need to pull myself up!!! but I don't know how...