This is where the typical WW will come up with some bull story about why they have to run to the store to pick up a 6 pack or buy cigarettes and rendezvous with the OM for a crisis meeting in the parking lot of Walmart. Staying "somewhere else" and selling you on how trustworthy they promise to be is very common. Why not just stay at home and talk things out with you??? If she needs "space" offer to give her a secluded corner of the basement or garage. "Space" is code for "meet up with OM" speak in waywardville.

At the very least...she'll retire to her room early leaving others to look after the kids while she talks and texts with OM all night long, then sleeps until 2 pm the next day.

Her parents are upset and won't let her sit n text him all night when she is with them and kids. He lives more than 40 miles from my house so it will b hard for her to have easy rendeveaus. Part of me just wants to let her play this out as I am fully ready to divorce her if she continues down this path.
No matter how hard I try I can't make her do anything. Afraid to piss her off and things will get nasty and I don't want that for the kids

I admit I'm just guessing at some/most of this stuff based off typical scenarios. Yours differs. They all have variances. That's why Getting a VAR around her so you can get the actual truth versus what she tells you is happening is key.

As far as an ultimatum. They are fine. An ultimatum is essentially a boundary. I'll link a really good thread on boundaries in a couple minutes here. You may find it useful. Key is...be prepared for her to choose OM and test your resolve. It's easy to say upfront she either "chooses me or I'll divorce" until you are faced with the scenario that she actually chooses boytoy OM and you must follow through with what you said you'd do, despite the heartache doing so will result on your family. Realize...pursuing divorce doesn't necessary have to me the end of fighting for your family. She is very likely to wake up later and likely give you guys a chance later on in the process.

Another thing as I ramble here. When you deliver this ultimatum it's often a good idea to have a recording device on your person just in case she goes nuts on you (or herself) and calls the cops in an attempt to file a restraining order or otherwise have you removed from the marital home in a preemptive strike to put her in a favorable position in a future custody battle. You may think that will never happen to you but it's happened enough on these forums for us to specifically warn against such ugliness. Wayward wives have, on occasion beat themselves up in an effort to file a false report and deny their betrayed husbands custody of the children. In fact, in your situation having primary full custody of the kids (and the resulting larger child support obligation) may be the best way for her to afford being with a 20 year college kid long term.

Here is promised link to one of my favorite MB discussions regarding the often difficult to define term "boundaries" in contrast with manipulation and control. Pay particular attention to Noodle's posts.


BOUNDARIES VS. MANIPULATION/CONTROL - An Open Discussion

Mr. W

Gotta run. Good luck. I'm not around as much as I used to be but I will check in.

Godspeed,
Mr. W

I already feel like she is choosing the other guy

And I know deep down his thing with him won't last long once it's out in the open

When will you be exposing?

And, let her know that you have no intention of being a part time father, that you will stay with and raise your children.

Yes I read the exposure stuff. Will continue to the next few days. Don't want to kick the sleeping dragon just yet

I agree. I would recommend that you read Melody's Exposure 101 link, and then the Start Here First Link that is at the top of this forum.

And then after that, if you can get your hands on (or download to a tablet) Dr. Harley's revised version of "Surviving an Affair", that will help a bunch. You will find many similarities when you read of Sue and Jon (the couple in the book). It's a super fast read and explains everything that you are going through.

It is available in hard copy here Surviving an Affair but you can also get it for your tablet on Amazon.

Who is the sleeping dragon? And what are you waiting for and WHY? You have a very slim window of opportujnity and if you don't take it NOW and do it correctly, you won't get much out it. In fact, you will sabotage your chances.

You say you have "exposed" to some people? To WHOM and what EXACTLY did you say?

Have you read my exposure thread to see how it should be done? It seems you are trickling this out, which is a strategic mistake that will blow up in your face. Please go read my exposure thread NOW.

My wife is the sleeping dragon if I provoke her she has already threatened that can get ugly if I provoke her. I have been married to her for 14 years and she is very capable of making this ugly

WHAT do they know and WHO told them?


I would get the kids home and not allow her to have them unless she has a court order that is accompanied by an armed sheriff. The kids should also be told about her affair. They shuold be instructed to call you immediately ifthis turd comes anywhere close to them.


Your children should not be dragged out of their safe home to accommodate their mothers vile affair.

It is critical that you get the affair exposed in one fell swoop in a CORRECT manner or you will greatly minimize the effect. Call the OM's parents and then go to his facebook page and expose to relatives and any married couples.

We don't care if your wife gets angry. It is absolutely irrelevant to saving your marriage. Our goal is to save your marriage, not to avoid her anger at all cost. If you are not making her angry, then you are not doing enough to bust up this affair.

Your marriage can survive her temporary anger over your interference in her affair, but it CAN'T survive an ongoing affair. The longer you let this go on, the harder it will be to bust it up.

If you want to save your marriage, you had better get UGLY and you had better get that way FAST.

Not sure we're u people are from. I am from a rural town of 300 people and most people here are not this vindictive

Sir is it vindictive to fight for your marriage and to tell the truth?

Adultery is an ugly vindictive sin, sir.

In my initial post I said that I am not sure what I want as of yet. Trying to get things sorted out. I don't know that I can ever trust her again if we were to try and get back together

I understand you feel she is vindictive because of her cruelty. But you won't feel that way when the affair is over and you are in recovery. This is why it is so important to do as much as possible to kill her affair. That is your only chance at saving your marriage and your children's family.